And The Plot Thickens
by Neata Skeeter
Summary: Ch 28 Finally up! Cordy finds herself in an interesting predicament. We've already established the lack of AC, but plz keep reading.I suck at summaries, so R&R. Thanx
1. please look at me -cordy pov

Disclaimer- I don't own these characters etc. They belong to Joss and all those other people and companies that are involved with Angel. I'm just having fun with them. DON'T SUE ME…please. :)  
  
A/N- I know that most of this (okay almost all of this) is completely AU. I have written more, but I want to know what u all think first. Please R&R. ps- there might be typos  
  
Spoilers- ummm…Seasons 1, 2 of Angel….a couple of eps in season 3 (although bein' Aussie I haven't seen them….so its spoilers of spoilers) I don't know to be honest… :)  
  
*************************  
  
"We were really, *really* drunk." I know its no excuse, but it's all that I can manage to say. Angel stares at me in disbelief, not even attempting to hide his anger. I don't blame him for being pissed off. I mean, I *did* sleep with his mortal enemy. One of them, at any rate. (He's got a lot, y'know.) I try to explain, without too much detail.  
  
"I was at this club, well known in the acting world for all the casting agents that *drop* by, and I bumped into him. He was lookin' good and he asked to buy me a drink…and after about 100 tequila shots- " (Yes, I know that I'm over exaggerating) "-Well, we ended up back at his place…do I need to say much more? But, when I woke up and realised what-" (and who) "-I'd done, I left. He wasn't awake yet and I just let myself out. Haven't spoken to or seen him since."  
  
I try to meet Angel's gaze with mine. He refuses to look me in the eye. "Angel," I plead, "I'm soo sorry. God, you don't *know* how sorry I am." I probably would never have told him anything about that night. It was around 2 months ago. I thought I could keep it hidden, but something this big always comes out sooner or later. Hell, I've kept it from him for long enough. Plus, the longer I leave it, the more it'll upset him. I don't want to lose Angel's trust. Christ Cordelia, you really messed up this time. I try again to look him in the eye. "Angel-" I start. I'm fighting back tears now. He cuts me off. Anger fills his voice.  
  
"Why Cordy? Why tell me all this *now*? Why not wait another 2 months…or better yet, another 2 years? What? Is the guilt getting to you Cor?" He sounds more like Angelus than Angel.  
  
"I couldn't keep it from you any longer!" I respond, raising my voice. It's all I can do to stop myself from crying. "A…and I thought that you'd actually understand 'cos…y'know…you and Darla-"  
  
"*That* was different." He snaps, interrupting once again.  
  
I know that. He's Mr Brood. A man who likes to keep his feelings hidden. A man who won't talk to his friends when he feels himself slipping, but fires them instead. A man who had sex with another incredibly evil vampire to make himself feel better. But even then, that wasn't the intention. No….He *intended* to lose his soul. Instead he created another, and brought his own soul back in full force. Whereas I, Queen C, *always* let everyone know what I'm thinking and feeling. My only excuse for what I did is that I got drunk. Very, VERY drunk. And now I'm paying for it.  
  
Angel stares at me, obviously expecting a better explanation, or at least a response to his last comment. Which I give him.  
  
"I know that Angel. And I know that you don't regret it." I mean, he got a son from it. A miraculous and absolutely gorgeous baby boy.  
  
"Do you?" He questions, finally looking me in the eye. I'm standing with my back to the door, facing him. He leans against his desk, waiting for an answer.  
  
"Regret it?" I state. "No. Well, I do, but-"  
  
"But what?" His tone is soo cold and unforgiving. His gaze is worse. Why did I want to look him in the eye in the first place? I ask myself.  
  
Despite my efforts to stay calm, I begin to sob. I can't hold it back anymore. "B…because I'm pregnant." There I said it and I don't feel any better. Told you I couldn't hide that night for much longer.  
  
He softens immediately and rushes to embrace me. I cry against his chest. "Oh, Cordy…" He whispers. I burst into a new batch of sobs, my howling muffled by his shirt. "Its okay…" He tells me.  
  
No its not. I want to scream back. I'm pregnant to Lindsey McDonald. 


	2. that night -lindsey pov

A/N- wow…thanks for the reviews. I didn't think that you guys would like it. I have had some ideas that a couple of u cottoned onto but…we'll see. I kinda changed a few words in this 1 and added a sentence or 2 after I uploaded, so u might want to read over it again. If you have any more suggestions etc email me or send a review. Thanks again. :) Each section will be a different pov, but I think it'll only be between Angel, Cordy and everyone's favourite evil lawyer. :) ps- the rating *might* change later on…I don't know yet….  
  
All the usual disclaimers apply.  
  
*******************************************  
  
I've been back in LA for a couple of months now. I know that I shouldn't have come back, for obvious reasons (for instance Wolfram & Hart, Angel), but I did. On my first night back I hit a nightclub intending to drown my sorrows in a *lot* of scotch. A pub would have been a smarter place for it, but you don't get as many scantily clad women to drool over in pubs.(I'm shallow. Very shallow.)  
  
However, *instead* of simply following my original plan of sitting alone, drinking and keeping my thoughts to myself I run straight into that Cordelia chick that works for Angel.  
  
Angel. Urgh. I *hate* that vampire. He's always getting in my way. Always. Even after I left LA he got to me. Damn prick put a "COPS SUCK" (or something to that effect) sign on my car. We'd made a pact to NOT act like kids and then he goes and pulls that. It's an understatement when I say that I wasn't very happy. Especially after I got pulled over. Anyhow, where was I?  
  
Cordelia. That's right… I bumped into her and we started talking. Awkwardly at first, but after a while we were in comfortable conversation. The tequila might have helped a little, I'll admit. Anyway, she was complaining about the fact that it was the one night she had off and naturally there were no casting agents to be seen. I was…well, I can't remember what I was saying, to be perfectly honest. (Hah! Me? Honest? I was a *lawyer* for *Wolfram & Hart*. Don't get more dishonest than that. Then again, I'm trying to stay good now…really.)  
  
So, anyway, we were just talking and drinking and getting to know each other in a not-trying-to-destroy-your-boss-and-life kinda' way. Cordelia's actually really sweet. She even said that I wasn't *that* bad anymore. I was really starting to like this girl so after a few more drinks, I suggested that we leave. We ended up back at my new apartment (I don't know how) and I kissed her. The thing that amazed me is that she kissed back. Then, before I knew it, we were pulling each others' clothes off and making love. She was gone before I woke up the next morning. I haven't seen or heard from her since.  
  
What made me think of all this now? Well, the extremely pissed off vampire in the hall tonight helps. He's been knocking -no- banging on my door for the past couple of minutes. I reach for the doorknob and hesitate. He can't come in 'cos I haven't invited him. But, at the same time, I guess I kinda' owe him. Yep, that's correct, Lindsey McDonald *does* have a conscience and an active one at that. (Told you that I'm trying.)  
  
"Angel." I say, opening the door and keeping out of his reach. "What brings you here? And how did you get this address?" I know damn well why he's here and how he got the address. Both answers include Cordelia. Frankly, I was expecting this confrontation sooner.  
  
"I *thought* you said you weren't coming back." He tells me angrily, ignoring my questions. But there's still something about his composure tonight that says he won't kill me.  
  
"I lied." I reply. To be truthful (there I go again!), I didn't plan to come back. In fact, I still don't know why I did.  
  
Angel looks me over as if he's reading the truth behind my statement. He relaxes slightly. "Look," He starts, "I have something to discuss with you. Can I come in?"  
  
I take that in. "You gonna try killing me?"  
  
"Not planning on it." He responds. "Might have convinced you better by *not* almost breaking your door down, but this is important. Its about Cordy."  
  
"She told you about the other night then?" It was more of a statement than a question. Then I add, "And I'm guessing you're not impressed?"  
  
He nods and adds, "Unfortunately, It's a bit more complicated than that."  
  
I look him over again before motioning for him to enter. He seems to have lost any sign of wanting to rip my throat out, not that that means anything. "C'mon in. Do you want a drink or something? I don't have blood…well, *I* do but-"  
  
The shadow of a smile touches his lips and he shakes his head "Thanks, but I'm fine."  
  
I smile and point to the lounge setting. "Take a seat." I sit down on the couch and he sits down across from me on the recliner. He leans forward, obviously trying to find the best way to approach the subject.  
  
"So…you haven't spoken to Cordy since you…?" He makes a continuation/wrap- up motion with his hands. He's finding it hard to say. I know that he's not embarrassed or anything.I guess that it's just probably weird for him. In fact, she's probably the closest thing he has to a family…and if someone did something like this with my sister…Chances are I wouldn't be able to completely confront the guy either.  
  
"Slept with her?" I finish for him, keeping my tone casual. I don't want to upset him. Stirring him up now would not be a good idea.  
  
He nods and I continue. "No. When I woke up she was gone and I haven't heard from or seen her since. Contemplated calling, but I don't have her number. Yeah, I know I could have called your office, but I didn't for the obvious reasons. So, no. I haven't. It's a pity though. She's really sweet. And I'm on the good side now…who knows? We might've actually had a chance…" I'm rambling now. Something that the old Lindsey would *never* have done.  
  
"She's pregnant." Angel states clearly, in the midst of my babbling.  
  
I stop in shock. "Wha…huh…wha…'n…bu…an…" I take a breath and try to get my thoughts together. "What?" I finally manage.  
  
"You heard me." He replies. Still stunned, I look at him. I'm expecting him to be glaring at me furiously. Instead his gaze is full of…understanding?  
  
I swallow hard. My brain is working in overdrive. "To me?" I ask quietly.  
  
He nods again. I don't know how to respond. How does one handle this type of revelation? It was *one* night. One measly night. How could I let this happen? How could I do this to her? She doesn't even *like* me and I've gone and thrown her life upside down. I'm not even thinking about *me* at the moment. (I've progressed further than I thought.) God, she must hate me now. Yeah, I know it takes two people to get into this situation, but…I should've known better.  
  
As if he can read my thoughts, Angel adds "She doesn't hate you, y'know. And…she, uh, she wants to keep the baby."  
  
I find myself looking back at him hopefully. I must look pathetic, but I don't care. "Does she, umm, want to speak to me? I mean, not *want* but…" I trail off. I really don't know what I mean.  
  
Angel stands and offers me his hand. "I'll give you a lift." It's all he needs to say.  
  
I take his hand and pull myself up. He walks out the door. I follow, still numb from shock. (I'm going to be a father.) The thought keeps running through my head. (Oh God, I'm gonna be a dad. Am I ready for this?) 


	3. one of those nights -angel pov

A/N- wow…more reviews…keep 'em coming 'cos I luv 'em. I don't know where this is heading myself…so I really can't say whether u'll all be pleased, but I'll try :)  
  
  
  
*************************  
  
Well, things have taken an interesting twist. Tonight has just been one of those nights. The kind where anything you once thought was impossible can and will happen.  
  
It started when Cordy came into my office. I could tell there was something bugging her, so I asked what was wrong. Then she tells me that she had a one night stand with Lindsey McDonald. Yep, the same Lindsey whose hand I cut off. The same Lindsey who brought Darla back from stakesville and then fell for her. The same Lindsey that told me he wasn't coming back to LA.  
  
Cordelia slept with the despicable lawyer of Wolfram and Hart fame. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe she was even telling me. Stupidly, I asked her when this happened. "2 months ago." She'd replied.  
  
I was getting really angry. I couldn't help it. The one person that I thought I could trust no-matter-what had sex with one of my enemies and then kept it from me for 2 months. I didn't say anything to her. I couldn't even bring myself to look at her. She tried to explain, but it didn't help. I snapped at her (which I really regret) and she broke down in tears telling me that she was pregnant.  
  
I was shocked, but my heart broke for her. Here she was trying to tell me and I was making it worse. I wrapped my arms around her and held her. She cried and cried. I didn't know what to do.  
  
We sat down and had a long talk. She said that Lindsey didn't know and she didn't know how to tell him. So then I offer to do it for her. Tell him, I mean.  
  
An hour later he's sitting in my car and we're driving to the Hyperion. When I knocked (okay, okay) banged on his door I was expecting him to take the news really badly and planning on giving him an earful. But, when he seemed genuinely concerned about Cordy it struck me that I was wrong about him. In fact, I identified with him…which scares me.  
  
I glance over at him again. He's still shell shocked. I clear my throat. What I'm about to say will probably confuse him more, but here goes. "Listen, Lindsey, I know what you're going through."  
  
He looks back at me. "How could you? I mean, I know that you and Cordelia are close and its probably shocked you but-"  
  
"No." I interrupt. "I know the feeling of finding out you're going to be a father."  
  
He looks puzzled. "When you were human?" He asks.  
  
I chuckle slightly and shake my head. "Nope."  
  
He gives me another quizzical look. I continue. "The PTB's work in strange ways and, as it turns out, I had the…uh…" (I'm finding it hard to phrase. I'm not much of a talker at the best of times.) "…ability to get Darla pregnant."  
  
I watch his jaw drop. "But you're both vampires. That's impossible."  
  
"That's what I thought, but for that one night it was different for me. Actually, I don't know if Connor, that's my son, I don't even know if he is a *one-night* miracle. Maybe the rule has always been different 'cos I'm not a normal vamp and I just haven't gotten anyone else-" I don't finish my thought because Lindsey has started speaking again.  
  
"So, let me get this straight. You and Darla have a son?"  
  
"*I* have a son and he *was* also Darla's. She staked herself after he was born." I stop and look at him apologetically. "I'm sorry. I know you used to have a thing for her…"  
  
Lindsey smiles back weakly. "Well, I knew about that backfired attempt at losing your soul, but I had no idea you had a kid out of it."  
  
"Until a few months ago, neither did I." I admit.  
  
"Tell you what though," He muses. "I'm a little too wrapped up with this whole Cordelia event to care that she's gone. Plus, I think that once she tried to kill me I got over the attraction."  
  
I let out a chuckle. Strangely enough, Lindsey *has* changed since leaving W&H. Not so much physically, but there is something about his persona that is cleaner. I pull up outside the Hyperion and unclick my seatbelt. (Yeah, I know, a car crash won't kill me but it *would* slow me down. And with the way I drive sometimes…it helps to not fly out of my seat.) I open the door and attempt to step out onto the sidewalk, but I find Lindsey's hand on my shoulder. I turn to face him again, raising my eyebrows in the world famous "what's up?" gesture.  
  
"Angel," He starts, "Why did *you* tell me? I mean, was she afraid of my reaction or-"  
  
Looking at him sympathetically, I cut him off. "She was…emotional. Didn't know how you'd handle it and didn't know whether she could handle you not handling it." (Okay, I just confused myself, but he nods as if he knows what I meant.) I continue. "So, I told her that I'd tell you. She said that she'd understand if you want nothing to do with-"  
  
"But I do want to be involved. If she'll let me. Not that I'm the best role model but-"  
  
"Don't tell me. Tell her. She's waiting inside."  
  
I watch as he lets himself out of the car and heads up the steps to the front door. He turns back to say something to me, but I'm standing by his side in an instant. He jumps slightly and half growls "Don't do that." at me, smiling sheepishly. "Scared the crap outta me."  
  
I smile back and push the door open. He follows me in. I can see Cordy curled up on the couch, her eyes still slightly red and puffy. She looks up as Lindsey and I make our way over to her.  
  
"Cordelia." He says.  
  
"Lindsey." She croaks back.  
  
As much as I want to hug her and tell her everything will work out fine I know that I can't. Instead I break the awkward silence by excusing myself and letting them talk things out. Something tells me things are going to get a lot more complicated.  
  
Yep. Tonight's just one of those nights. 


	4. time to think -cordy pov

A/N- Okay, well, this is what I've come up with so far. Sorry the story's going so slowly. I'm finding it hard to speed it along. There's too many feelings and thoughts to consider. Looks like we'll be in it for the long haul (there are a *lot* more chapters to come). By the way, I'm open to ideas, so make sure you r&r or email me at: evil_angel@ihavepms.com thanks a bunch. I'm trying hard to make you all happy…we'll see what happens…there's a few twists and stuff to come, I guess… :)  
  
  
  
**************************  
  
  
  
I look up from my seat on the couch as they walk in. I must look horrible. I haven't stopped crying since Angel left. I've had time to think this over, and I'm not upset about having a baby. I mean, one look at Connor and I want one of my very own. (Guess I'm getting my wish, huh?) But there's still so much for me to think about. I look back at Angel, hoping he's forgiven me a little. (I know that regaining his trust is gonna take some time, but I really need him right now.) He's smiling but I know deep down he's still angry, I would be too. What I did was wrong. I can feel tears fill my eyes again and I turn from his view to wipe them away.  
  
I'm glad the rest of the gang isn't back yet.(They're off following up on a few contacts and stuff for some of our cases.) This is hard enough for me already without having to tell them tonight as well.  
  
Lorne's still living upstairs, but I've avoided him all day. He'd know *everything* at once and I can't handle that whole reading-of-the-soul thing right now. It just occurred to me. *Has* he read me in the past 2 months? If he has, he'd know about that night, among other things. He can't have because there is *no* way he wouldn't confront me. (C'mon…this *is* Lorne we're talkin' about.) Plus, the first thing he'd want to do is be a loyal friend and tell Angel…unless, of course, he knows how horrible I felt- no-feel about it. Oh, God…this is all just too hard to think about right now.  
  
*It's all just too hard*. Last month everything was normal, sure my period was late, but it happens sometimes. (The damn visions muck all sorts of things in my body up.) So I wasn't worried. A week or so went by and I started to realise that this time was different, so I went to the doctor.(I didn't even think that I could be pregnant) He took all sorts of tests and told me he'd call when they got the results. He called the other day to tell me that the results were finally in (there'd been some sort of delay or whatever…which is pretty bad for a doctor, because if it were something *really* serious/life threatening, he could have been too late…) so I made an appointment for this morning 'cos it was the earliest he could see me.  
  
Truthfully, I wasn't expecting any of this at all. Yet, here I sit. Fighting back tears while Angel and Lindsey (who've had some sort of heart to Hart…Hey! I punned! Badly, I know, but…oh, where was I?…) stroll back into the lobby of the Hyperion to talk to me about having this baby.  
  
The two of them are standing in front of me now. Lindsey says my name, to greet me, but his voice says so much more. He really cares and I know that by Angel actually bringing him here without any signs of a fight it means he wants to seriously talk it over with me.  
  
I'm starting to think that it would have been easier if he didn't. It would have been easier if Angel let out all of his anger at me onto him (Lindsey). That way, he probably wouldn't exist anymore and all of this would be a lot less complicated. But…that's just not happening.  
  
I open my mouth to speak, but all I can do is croak his name in return. There's a long and awkward pause until Angel hesitates for a second, before saying that he should go check on Fred and Connor. Then he walks off, leaving me and Lindsey alone. I don't want to be alone with him, but I know we have to talk. In private.  
  
He takes a step towards me, slowly. Its almost as if he thinks he's gonna scare me away, like some timid bunny rabbit. I uncurl myself and sit up properly. "Lindsey," I begin. My voice is so quiet that *I* can barely hear it. "Lindsey I…" For what is probably the first time in my life, I'm lost for words. "…I don't know what I'm supposed to say to you. You already know the basics…and that's about all I know too." I tell him shakily.  
  
He sits down on the coffee table in front of me, leans forward and looks into my eyes. I can't pull away from his gaze, even though I desperately want to. "Cordelia…I'm so sorry. I should have thought-"  
  
I cut him off. "I'm not angry at you. Hell, I'm not even upset with you. I'm just confused…and a little scared right now. My life is taking a major change, but it's not your fault."(Or not completely, anyway.)  
  
"But I shouldn't have-" He starts again. And, once again, I interrupt.  
  
"We both made choices that night, Lindsey. And now I'm…we're…I'm…" I don't know which word to use. I don't even know if he wants to be involved anymore. "Well, there are always implications resulting from those choices. This is just one of them." Did I actually say 'implications' ? I think I've been hangin' with Wesley a *little* too much.  
  
"I can't help but feel at least partly responsible…did you just say 'implications'?"  
  
I smile for the first time in hours. He knows me better than I thought. (Is that good or bad?) "Yup. Been spending too much time with the ex-watcher, huh?" The awkwardness is starting to disappear. He smiles back. I always thought he was good looking, but now that he's not completely evil (he's still a lawyer as far as I know) there's something even more appealing (and there I go again with the Wesley-words).  
  
"You should do that more often." He informs me.  
  
"Spend time with Wesley?"  
  
He chuckles. "No. Smile. It really brings out your beauty."  
  
I'm taken by surprise. This is definitely not the same evil lawyer that I used to despise. Nope. He's been taken hostage by this intruder. And I'm ashamed to say that I like it. "You know, if you go around saying stuff like that all the time you could end up getting a girl pregnant." I tell him, half joking and forgetting the seriousness of the situation that I'm in. Suddenly, the awkwardness is back. (Damn it.)  
  
"I didn't mean to sound like that…unless you're interested …to give *us* a chance, I mean… I *think* that I have feelings for you…its been a while since I've let myself acknowledge these types of feelings, but…if you're okay with having me in our kid's life… I'd like it if we thought about *us*…" He says, speaking fast and sounding nervous (and not making a lot of sense). Its hard to believe he *is* a lawyer at the moment. He stops to gather his thoughts. "To get to the point… Did you want to pick up where we left off the other night? Maybe go out to dinner and talk like a normal couple? It's not like we *don't* have anything to discuss." He glances down at my still-flat tummy, which we both know is gonna get nice and fat.  
  
Wait a second…he's hitting on me…but I guess he has a valid reason. I mean, we *did* click that night. Not that I can remember that much of it, except the drinking…and the kissing…and the sex. (Which *was* good. I'll admit. Anyhow, moving on…) And he *seems* to be genuine about his feelings. Plus, there's the whole, *me*-gonna-have-*his*-baby issue.  
  
I don't know what to say. A *huge* part of me is screaming to say no, but the other part is screaming to say yes. And I'm getting this funky feeling…  
  
Oh, crap. I think I'm falling for Lindsey McDonald. And I thought Angel was angry at me *before*. Oh, boy. Wait 'til here hears this one…  
  
I smile back at him. Against almost all of my instincts, I reply ; "I'd like that." 


	5. moment of weakness -lindsey pov

A/N- They're still not getting very far, but I'm writing more each time. I promise the second I get a chance to speed this along, I will. In the mean time please enjoy what I have done…or at least post a review. Ta. :)  
  
  
  
*********************************  
  
I swallow hard waiting for Cordelia's reply. I just asked her (in a round-a- bout way) if there was a future for *us*. As in, as a couple. She hasn't answered in what seems like hours, and I'm worried that she doesn't want me around at all. I'm also worried that she'll say no and that she really *does* hate me for what I'm putting her through.  
  
*I'm worried?* That's sooo not like me. No. It is like me. Just not the *old* me. Not the lawyer from 'Wolfram & Hart'.  
  
Now, I'm *definitely* thinking that I've changed. I used to be callous, emotionless and (because there's no better word for it) evil. Where's all that now? Instead, I'm feeling all these things…emotions, I guess… for Cordelia. For Cordelia Chase, of all people! But, its not just physical attraction either. She is gorgeous, there's no denying it, but it's not like that. I think that it's deeper. Much deeper. I mean, she has this air of compassion, and love and sincerity surrounding her. (Things that I thought I'd forgotten long ago.) And I find that sooo alluring. (Whereas the Lindsey McDonald of W&H would see it as weaknesses and use them against her and the people she loves and that love her in return… But that's not me anymore…I hope.)  
  
It's funny though. I never imagined Cordelia to be like this. At 'Wolfram & Hart' we looked her up…checked her background and what have you. She was a cheerleader and one of the most popular girls at Sunnydale High. She even had a following called the Cordettes. And, from what our sources told us, she was cruel, vain, naïve…the list goes on. But the woman sitting in front of me proves otherwise.  
  
Looks like I'm not the only one who's changed.  
  
She smiles at me. It's a warm and inviting smile. "I'd like that." She finally replies.  
  
And that's all she needs to say. I breathe again. I had been holding my breath for so long…buts its okay now. I doubt that this is what Angel was expecting when I said that I wanted to be involved but, for once, he's gonna have to realise that this isn't about him. It's about me and Cordy and our baby. Oh, god. We're gonna have a baby. I almost forgot. Well, not *forgot* forgot, but…you know what I mean.  
  
I was too wrapped up in realising that I'm falling in love…did I just think that? Christ… I did. I think I love Cordelia. Oh no. I *can't* love. I'm evil….no…I'n not evil. Not Anymore. I think I'm going insane. Yep. That's my excuse. I had sex with a good guy and now I'm insane. After all, that's what happened to Angel when he was with the slayer, right?  
  
(Lindsey, GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF! You're not going insane. And Angel didn't go insane when he slept with the slayer, he lost his soul and turned evil. Besides, you're not like him. You're just letting everything sink in. Everything is hitting you now. You were in denial before. It happens. Now, are you gonna calm down and get on with your life or not?)  
  
I guess I am just letting reality set in. I mean, 2 hours ago my life was normal...well, as normal as an ex-lawyer from an evil law firm's life can be. I didn't love anyone and I was only responsible for myself. I wasn't going to be a father and I wasn't afraid of how Cordelia felt about me. In fact, all that night was to me was a good time.  
  
Sure, I did wish I could have seen Cordy after. Maybe I even thought about calling and asking her to go out for dinner or coffee or something (There *was* chemistry between us.) But, I didn't have anything…or anyone…to worry about, except me.  
  
But that's all changed. Now, as it turns out, I'm helping to bring a child into the world and I have to worry about the way I act and everything else that could affect their life. It's a scary thought. And I guess I kinda' flipped before, because I'm unsure of a lot of things.  
  
I don't want to screw things up for Cordy any more than I already have, so what do I do? I tell her that I have feelings for her and I tell her that I want to play a major role in my kid's life. Noooo… that's not complicating things further for her. Bullshit it's not. I feel so guilty 'cos somewhere deep down inside I know that we'll never work. But I'm still going through with it. I can only hope that I don't screw up (or at least not badly). If not for my sake, for Cordy and her-no-our baby's.  
  
I smile back at her (hoping against hope that my expression didn't change during my inner ranting session) and lean forward instinctively. She leans towards me and our lips meet. (Obviously it didn't.) This feels so natural. We don't have to speak. We've made a silent decision. I don't need to tell her that I love her and she doesn't need to tell me. It's all in the kiss. When we part I stand up and offer her my hand. She takes it and I pull her up. I look back into her eyes. She's crying again. "Cordy…" I whisper and pull her into my arms. "Its okay. Its going to be okay."  
  
She pulls away and looks at me. "Wow…Dejavu." She sniffles.  
  
I smile again, raising an eyebrow. She sort of grins sheepishly and says, "This is just like when I told Angel and I was crying and he held me and said the same thing." She's stopped sobbing, but her voice is shaky. "The exact same thing."  
  
"Angel, huh?" I can't help sounding jealous. There's something there…between Cordy and him, I mean…that gets to me.  
  
"You're jealous?" She asks. Her tone is somewhere between pleased and disbelieving.  
  
"Is that a bad thing?"  
  
"I don't know. I guess you're entitled to be…now. But, not before 'cos he's a friend and I went to him 'cos I didn't have you…I didn't have anyone… and he's always been a friend and always will be…so you don't really have to be jealous. But I kinda like it…you being jealous, I mean." She laughs quietly. "Man, I'm making less sense than you were before, huh?"  
  
I shake my head. "No. I understood." She smiles weakly and leans back onto me, her head resting on my shoulder. And then she's crying again. I hold her close and rub her back, trying to comfort her. It feels so right, like this is where I'm supposed to be forever. "Cordy," I coo, "What's wrong."  
  
It takes her a while to answer, because she bursts into a new round of tears and muffled sobs. "I…I'm still confused and scared… I know its s..stupid, but-"  
  
"Its not stupid. I'm scared too." (Well, I am. I hate to admit it, but I am.)  
  
"Y…you are?" She stutters.  
  
(If you only knew.) "Of course. I'm afraid I'll do somethin' stupid to muck everything between us up. I'm afraid that I won't be a good enough dad. And I'm afraid Angel's gonna kick my sorry ass 'cos I know he isn't gonna like this." I feel her chuckle slightly, between sobs. "But mostly, I'm afraid I'll lose you when you realise I'm no good for you." (There I said it. And there's no taking it back.) "And while I'm being honest…I'm a lawyer, so it doesn't happen often…" She chuckles again. "…I'm afraid you won't love me like I love you." And there it is. My biggest fear as of the second I fell in love with her (and I'm still trying to pinpoint that exact moment…). Out in the open.  
  
She doesn't reply, so I continue. "I *know* its hard to believe Cordy, but I've changed. Or, at least, I'm trying to." She nods, smearing make-up all over the shoulder of my shirt. I don't care about that. I care only about her.  
  
Wow. Another revelation. I'm back to being a normal human being. Almost. I know I've still got work to do, but I will make up for how bad I've been. Its strange, but I can almost identify with Angel. Actually, I *can* identify with Angel. We were both very evil demons (or, I was close enough to it) given a second or third chance to make things right. We both have to earn humanity (yes, I do know about the shanshu thing) and we both have had one-night stands, which have changed our lives (and un-lives).  
  
But that doesn't mean I like the guy. Not yet. I guess there are still parts of the old Lindsey in me that I won't let go of. Like the fact I'm not (or I wasn't) the most forgiving guy on the planet. And, as far as I know, Angel still hates me. He just kept me alive to be fair to his friend. Plus, I don't think it'll make him any happier to find out me and Cordy are together.  
  
Almost as if she can read my thoughts, Cordelia speaks. "Angel will deal. Don't worry. Sure, he'll brood and be a little cranky…I mean, he hates you." She stops and looks up at me. I'm not much taller than her (But she's wearing heels at the moment) so its not like I have to look down at her. "Sorry." She says.  
  
"Its okay. He's not my favourite person either."  
  
She smiles again, brightening the room instantly. "Well, he's gonna have to get used to *us* anyhow."  
  
I smile back at her. "Definitely." Before I can say anything else, I find her lips locking to mine. I run my fingers through her hair. Like I said before, this is strangely natural.  
  
We're both so consumed in the kiss that we don't notice the doors to the Hyperion swing open.  
  
"Hey! What the hell?! What' s the evil white dude doin' back in L.A and why's he kissing Cordelia?!" The young black man (I think his name's Charles Gunn…) yells out. He's standing in the middle of the lobby facing us. That Wyndham-Pryce is next to him, looking just as shocked.  
  
We separate immediately. Angel bounds down the stairs at a hundred miles per hour to see what's going on. A brunette that I've never seen before follows him. (*That's* Fred? I was expecting a guy.) She's clutching a small bundle of blankets to her chest. (No, wait. That's a not just blanket. It's a baby. Oh…*that* must be Angel's kid.)  
  
"Is ANYONE gonna answer my question?!" That Gunn guy calls again.  
  
I glance at Cordelia. I offer her I 'you want me to answer this?' look. She shakes her head, stepping forward to her friends. The two men pull away and Fred (who had walked to their side) looks from them to Cordy then back to them, looking lost. She's already handed the baby to Angel and, while he cradles it protectively, he stays well away from the confrontation. He won't for long, though.  
  
"Guys…" Cordy begins. "Guys, listen. I can explain this."  
  
"What's all the ruckus about?" Another voice asks. I turn to see the host from Caritas (I've played my guitar there before) make his way towards the rest of the group. He looks over to Cordy and I. She opens her mouth to explain, but his eyes bulge before she can speak. "Oh boy." He says. "This *is* interesting."  
  
Again, nobody speaks. We all stand in the middle of the lobby waiting for a response from Cordelia. I would speak, but she's made it clear that it's *her* position to do something, not mine.  
  
Gunn breaks the silence again. "Would SOMEONE please tell me what the hell is going on?!" 


	6. she's not mine -angel pov

That's it. Cordy told everyone. Although, she lost me at "Lindsey and I are gonna see whether *we* work…"  
  
Gunn and Wes are stunned into silence. Fred doesn't know who Lindsey is…or was…or whatever, but she's shocked too. I guess the fact that Cordy's pregnant has something to do with it. Or maybe even the fact that she's capable of betraying our trust to begin with…I don't know. Either way, everyone's speechless. Even Lorne. (And it takes a lot to get him to shut up. He kept talking even when he was decapitated. Seriously.)  
  
I can't say I'm happy that they're together. What part of 'Lindsey tried to destroy us' did Cordy *not* get? Then again, I tried to destroy us as well, so I'm not really one to speak, but that's different. Or, at least, I hope it is…. It is! 'cos I tried to destroy us because *Lindsey* brought Darla back to make me go insane. Hah! I'm better than him.  
  
Why did I just make that comparison? I sound like a 5 year old. Plus, its not like I'm jealous, or anything. And Cordy doesn't have to compare us…our relationship isn't like that. We're just friends. More like family, actually. Who am I trying to convince here, anyhow? Myself? No. No way. I already know all of this; I don't need convincing…I love Cordelia as my friend and sister. Not like a lover. If she knew I'd just thought that, she'd laugh. She's soo cute when she laughs. Her nose does this little wrinkle thing and…  
  
Crap. This can't be happening. I do not have feelings for Cordy. I do not have feelings for Cordy. I'm supposed to be *upset* with Cordy. She violated my trust…but she's soo sorry for that. I can feel it. (No. Bad Angel. Grrr. You are not supposed to fall for Cordy.)  
  
Too late.  
  
When did this happen? I've never *ever* thought about her as anything other than friend or family. Why has it taken me this long to realise? Why *now*? Now that she has a man (and her own baby) in her life? Or is this just jealousy? Is this just my fear of losing her?  
  
Crap. Crap. Crap.  
  
Lorne looks at me. I know he's reading my soul…or thoughts…or whatever. "Angelcakes. Can I have a word with you?" He asks, dragging me away from the scene. Cordelia watches me go. I bet she thinks he's trying to get me less angry at her. Thing is, I'm not angry at her. I never was. I was angry that she betrayed my trust and I was angry that she wasn't planning on ever telling me, but I was never angry at *her*.  
  
Once we're safely outside, away from prying ears, he speaks. "What was that…?"  
  
"I don't know what you're talking about." I've resorted to lying now? Oh, this is good. Not.  
  
"I think you do, SweetCheeks."  
  
(Would he not call me that? Angelcakes is bad enough. I swear he's worse than Xander ever was.) "Look, I'm going crazy here." I admit. "And no. I don't want to talk about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to give Connor his bottle and-" I try to walk back inside, but he blocks my path.  
  
"Angelcakes, you're not going crazy. And you *are* going to talk about it. Remember the last time you tried to hide all of your pain?"  
  
"Yes, I do. And now I have a beautiful baby boy to look after, so if you don't mind-" I try to move past him, but he puts his green hand on my chest and pushes me back.  
  
"I do mind actually. Why are you fighting this? Leaving it unspoken is only going to make it hurt more."  
  
(I don't know) "Maybe I can handle it this time." He gives me a look that screams 'oh, please', so I give in with a sigh. "What do you *want* me to say, Lorne?"  
  
"How's about 'I think that I'm in love with Cordelia and I'm planning on attacking Lindsey when he's not looking' ?"  
  
"I never…I'm *not* planning on attacking Lindsey. I'd like to, but…" I stop and look at him again. "Fine. You win. I think I'm in love with Cordy. There, I said it. Are you happy now?"  
  
"And…?"  
  
Here goes. Remember, he asked for it. "I *could* be happy for her. I *could* sit back and let her enjoy her life. I *could*, but she's not with someone I like. Hell, she's not even with someone I trust. He's no good for her. He's gonna hurt her. I know he won't beat her physically, but he'll break her heart. I can't let him do that." I blurt it all out and wait for his advice.  
  
"There, now doesn't that feel better?"  
  
"Not really. I'm still pissed off."  
  
He laughs. "It happens, Angelpie." (Not another pet name…) "But if it helps, I think Lindsey *really* loves her and he's being genuine. He's not as evil as you make him out to be."  
  
"No. That doesn't help." I snap back.  
  
"Somehow, I didn't think it would."  
  
We laugh and he pats me on the back. This talking thing (as much as I hate to admit it) does actually help. Who would have thought? We walk back into the Hyperion. Nobody's moved. There's still an awkward silence and the tension is so thick you'd need a chainsaw to cut through it.  
  
Connor's screaming pierces the air so suddenly we all jump. Cordy and I are fussing over him in an instant. She treats him as if he's her own. These last few months have made me realise that she's definitely a woman now. One who's going to be an excellent mother. Hell, she already is. She's all Connor knows. Sure, Fred's here too, but he's grown as attached to Cordy as I have.  
  
"I've got him." I tell her.  
  
"Its okay, I got him." She replies.  
  
We both have our hands on him. Neither of us is intending to budge. "No, really Cordy. I got him."  
  
"Angel, I got here first. *I* got him."  
  
It's always like this. We argue and she usually wins. Even if she gives in, she pouts and makes me feel really guilty until I hand him to her. This time I sigh dramatically and move away. She squeals in delight and picks him up. His cries soften and before long he's giggling in her arms, content to watch her pull faces and allow her to tickle him.  
  
I watch her play with my son and sadly admit that it won't always be like this. Even if she wasn't with Lindsey, or anyone else for that matter, it would never work between us. Not even if that night 2 months ago never happened.  
  
Wesley and Gunn are back in motion, but they're still in shock. You'd think that after finding out vampires and demons are real and visiting different dimensions/worlds and learning about different realities, *this* would be a walk in the park for them. But it's not. In fact, I think they're finding it a little hard to understand. They join Lorne and I. We all stand in silence watching as Cordy…*our* Cordy…grows up in front of us.  
  
She's sitting with Fred now. They're playing with Connor on the couch. Lindsey is standing a few feet away, taking the scene in as well. But he's assessing it in a different way. He's obviously taking in the fact that soon that will be his baby in Cordy's arms. (Not mine.) He'll be the proud father. (Not me.) And he's falling in love with her. (The same way I am.)  
  
(Angel, don't do this to yourself. Please. Plus, if you're right, you'll be the one to pick up the pieces when their relationship falls apart. Don't be all broody now, when she needs you the most. You have to be strong, for her. She came to you first. You're supposed to be her rock. You can't do that if you let yourself get all depressed and broody…er)  
  
Lorne pats me on the back. " 'At a boy." Well at least he didn't add… "Angelcakes?"  
  
Damn it. "Hmmm?"  
  
"We need to give him 'THE TALK'."  
  
"Don't you think Connor's a bit young for-"  
  
"Not that 'THE TALK' and not Connor, numbskull. The talk with Lindsey where you say you'll torture him until he *wants* to die if he hurts our princess." Lorne interrupts.  
  
"Oh. I knew that."  
  
"Man, you have a one-track mind, don't ya?" Gunn chuckles. "But, I agree with greeny here. He needs to know what's coming."  
  
"Here, here." Wesley seconds (…or is that thirds now?)  
  
I look from Lorne on my left, to Gunn and Wes on my right, then back at Lindsey. "Lets do this." I see them nod. "Lindsey." I call, motioning for him to come over to us. "We need to talk." 


	7. now they know -cordy pov

A/N- okay, so it's starting to sound a little corny, but…I'm trying here. Still not getting very far, but I have a plan. Kinda. Please keep the reviews coming. Luv ya.  
  
*************************  
  
So, I told them all. It wasn't as hard as I'd anticipated. I really have been spending too much time with Wesley, haven't I? Oh well. I bet that's gonna change now. Everything's gonna change.  
  
I watched Angel when I got to the '…And Lindsey and I are gonna see whether *we* work…" part. It was obvious that he didn't see it coming. He went blank almost immediately. I wanted to apologise, but then I thought 'No. I'm not going to apologise for discovering unexpectedly that I love someone. Even if that person is the last person in the world I would have ever thought of this way, which Lindsey kinda is.'  
  
I bet Angel wouldn't apologise if it happened to him. Actually, I don't think he'd even realise that he was in love until it was too late…which is soo typical of him. He always seems to lose out when it comes to love. Poor guy. I hope he finds it soon.  
  
Actually, now that I think about it, the last person I'd ever think of falling for would be Angel. I should tell him someday. Might cheer him up. 'Angel and I' as a couple. That's a funny thought, hey? But then again, so is 'Me and Lindsey'. So unconventional, but it works. I hope.  
  
Well, I've got a good 7 months to decide whether it's the best choice or not. I mean, I want Lindsey to be the active father of my child, but I don't want to screw the kid's life around with an 'on again/off again' relationship between parents. At least not in the first few years. They're the most influential…or something like that.  
  
Lorne's looking at Angel strangely. I think he's reading him, or something to that effect. (There I go sounding like Wes again…) I bet Angel's finding this hard to understand. Maybe he's even angry that I'm dealing with it like this. With Lindsey, I mean. Angel hates the guy and now I'm doing the whole 'happy family' thing with him.  
  
I want to talk to Angel…*really* talk to him…in private. There is so much I need to say. I love him so much and I still feel sooooo guilty for what I did. I wonder if he knows. I'm really gonna need him to trust me again. Hell, I'm just really gonna need him. Lindsey's changed and I know he loves me, but Angel's Angel, y'know.  
  
He's been there for me for the past few years, maybe even when we were in Sunnydale (but he was all wrapped up in Buffy back then) and I've grown to see him as my family. I've lost touch with my real family (we were never that close to begin with)…so my relationship with Angel is special. He's the one person that I can always rely on. Sure, I've got Wes and Gunn…even Fred and Lorne, but Angel's my real family as far as I'm concerned. He'll always be there for me. Well, at least I thought he would. But, I don't know whether he'd want to now that I've gone and done this to him.  
  
Lorne's taken him outside now. I wonder if he's trying to convince him not to hate me. Or if he's telling him that killing Lindsey won't help. Or if he's doing both. They're gone for about 5 minutes, in which nobody moves or speaks.  
  
When they come back in Angel won't look at me. (We're back to this again are we?) There's more silence and then Connor starts screaming. I'm by his side in a second, Angel right on my tail. (I was closer than Angel was, otherwise he sooo would have been here first. He always is.) We both fuss over the baby and debate who gets to hold him. I usually win. Actually, I *always* win. The awkwardness between us eases while we do this today. And Angel gives up, playfully making a point of it.  
  
I take Connor over to the couch where Fred joins me to play with him. He loves the attention. I love it when he giggles. Its soo cute. My maternal instincts have really kicked in with Connor. Fred smiles and says, "You're gonna make a great mother."  
  
"I hope so." I reply. I can feel 5 pairs of eyes watching me. There's Lindsey, probably taking in the scene to get ready for when its us…oh boy, this *is* really serious. I've just realised. I hope he doesn't flip and leave when he works it out. If there's one thing I've learned it's that guys don't like a commitment. (What have I gotten myself into?)  
  
Angel, Gunn, Lorne and Wesley are also watching me. I wonder what they're thinking right now. The look on Gunn's face when I explained everything was almost priceless. And Wes, well…he looked somewhere between happy for me and disgusted with me. (Which I guess is better than just plain disgusted…)  
  
"Lindsey." I hear Angel call. "We need to talk."  
  
I look over to see the guys follow Lindsey into Angel's office and close the door. I have a vague idea of what's going on in there and I don't like it. But then, I guess Lindsey deserves it. I mean, he is kinda responsible for all of this. Plus, it proves that the guys still care about me and they don't hate me after all. Yay! Go me! (Now I'm starting to sound less like Wes and more like myself…)  
  
They emerge a few minutes later, Lindsey looking slightly ruffled. The other guys all look proud of themselves for some reason. I want to laugh. It's the cutest scene. I smile at them all and they walk over to join Fred, Connor and I. It almost feels like nothing's changed. Almost.  
  
"So…" I say cautiously, "Where do we go from here?"  
  
"Well, I say we grill Lindsey with questions about his intentions and whatnot." Wesley responds.  
  
"I'm for that." Angel adds.  
  
"Me too." Gunn says.  
  
"I already know what his intentions are…so I'm in on it for the fun." Lorne informs us.  
  
Fred nods enthusiastically. "I think it's a good idea too."  
  
I can't help laughing. I haven't done it in a long time, and it feels good. "Okay, Let him have it." I look at Lindsey, who is obviously thrown by the new plan. "Well, its only fair."  
  
"For who?" He asks.  
  
"Me…and them. We're a family. You have to understand that. And when we don't trust someone… especially someone new to our family... we grill them with questions. And if they refuse to cooperate, well…Angel gets a little violent and very non trusting. So, when you look at it that way, its fair for me 'cos I'm the one who'll suffer if you don't." I pause to take a breath. "See?"  
  
"Fine. Let me have it."  
  
And that's what we do for the next couple of hours. There's laughs and stuff shared and pretty soon it feels like Lindsey's one of the gang (much to Angel's obvious disappointment). And then Fred asks a very simple, yet very challenging question.  
  
"Are ya gonna marry her?"  
  
And then there's silence. To be honest, I never thought about it. And I don't think Lindsey did either.  
  
"I…I don't know…I mean, I love her, but…I don't know…" He stutters.  
  
I jump in with a rescue plan. "Don't you think he's had enough to deal with in one night without talk of marriage. Don't you think *I've* had enough to deal with in one day without thinking about it? I mean, what if I don't want to marry him. I love him, which is something that's shocked me…but I don't think…I mean, not yet…I mean…" And then I've lost my plan. It's gone. I'm up the creek without a paddle now.  
  
Then my Angel comes to the rescue, sort of. He's not letting either of us off the hook that easily. "Well, if not marriage, what *are* you planning on doing? You've got a baby to think of too."  
  
"To tell the truth, we hadn't really thought that far ahead. It was more like 'Can we discuss this over dinner sometime and work it out then?' " I reply. I look at Lindsey apologetically, 'cos what I'm gonna suggest is probably going throw him. "I was thinking we move in together somewhere down the track. See how that goes."  
  
And now the attention is focussed on Lindsey again. Strangely he doesn't look phased. "So was I. The question is who moves where?"  
  
Everyone looks back at me. Its almost like they're watching a tennis match. Switching from me to him, then back to me. "Well, my place is bigger…and I've got Dennis there. I don't want to leave."  
  
Now back to Lindsey. "Fair enough…wait…who's Dennis?" (And *there's* the jealousy.)  
  
"My ghost. He guards the place and protects me and cleans and…"  
  
"I get it." The jealousy's replaced with relief. " Well, I guess I'm moving in with you."  
  
I don't think that Angel's too happy with that decision, but its gotta be better than marriage. "Okay. So, we've progressed a fair bit tonight." I say, trying to wrap everything up before it gets any more out of hand. "I'll take Lindsey home."  
  
I stand up and Lindsey does as well. Angel says I can take his car. He tosses me the keys and we walk out. Lindsey puts his arm around me. It feels natural. "I'm sorry." I whisper to him.  
  
"For what?"  
  
"Rushing everything onto you tonight."  
  
We've reached the car and I hop into the driver's seat. Lindsey gets in the passenger's seat. "If anyone should be sorry it's me." He replies. Before I can object he adds, "But, I'm not. Tonight its like I've become a normal person and I've got the chance to lead an almost normal life." He pauses and thinks for a second before saying " I'm being selfish, though…so I guess I should be sorry for that."  
  
I turn the key in the ignition and smile back at him. "No you don't, because you don't know what you're getting yourself into."  
  
"Try me."  
  
We get to his place about 15 minutes later and I escort him up to his apartment. "Look," I start when we reach his door. He stops to face me. I stop to look up at him and continue. "I'll be blunt. I don't want you to do this if you don't want to. I know Angel's not gonna be easy to put up with for a while and I don't think I will be either. And…"  
  
"Look, I already got a similar talk from all the men in your, uh, *family* and they made very…VERY…clear that if I hurt you or screw this up…" He trails off and looks me in the eye, as if trying to prove his sincerity. "Anyway, I was given this choice before and I made it clear that I chose to stand by you…if you want me. If you don't, then I'll understand. But I promise that I *honestly* want to be this baby's dad. I want to play catch and…and go to school functions and…I just want to be everything my dad wasn't."  
  
"Okay. Just so you got it clear. That's soo sweet by the way. It's hard to believe you ever worked at 'Wolfram & Hart'. But you've made your choice…a commitment now," I look at him and he doesn't flinch when I say the 'c' word, so I keep going. "So you don't get to get out of it now."  
  
"Good." He says and then pulls me into his arms and kisses me.  
  
I find myself not wanting to leave. He opens the door and I follow him in. He closes the door behind me. We kiss again. I'm really enjoying this, but I'm sure Angel wants his car back. "I…I should go." I manage.  
  
"I don't want you to." He looks at me and tries to explain himself. "We…still need to talk."  
  
"Talk, huh?" I look back at him, I know that he doesn't want to talk. Neither do I. In fact, I want to…uh…clear up some unfinished business. (I'm getting the feeling he does too.) You know what? Angel can wait. 


	8. they're buggin' me -Lindsey pov

AN- Thanks again for the reviews. I really appreciate them. I'm still trying to find a take off point, but I'm getting there now. I even kinda know what I'm doing. :) Oh, by the way. I *am* Australian, so I don't know my American phrases or places that well (or even at all)…and its hard to get me to change my grammar, like write 'mom' or 'mommy' instead of 'mum' or 'mummy' (personally I do like the O version better, but…its still hard to change the 16 years of training.) Bear with me.  
  
*****************************  
  
When I woke up this morning, I thought that last night was all a dream. That is, until I rolled over to find Cordelia lying next to me. Then all the events of last night flooded back to me.  
  
At first I didn't know what to do. I'd had a major breakthrough on the road to the new me, but I'm no longer in denial. Not at all. Every tiny detail of what could go wrong with (and all the negative points to) my future with Cordelia and this baby play in my head. I'm having what is commonly known as cold feet, when Cordy sighs contentedly and snuggles her head against my chest. Immediately I start to think of what could go right with (and all the positive points to) my future with my family.  
  
My family. How strange does that sound? But I know that it's right.  
  
Cordelia's eyes open., and she lifts her head to look up at me. "Hey." She greets me sleepily.  
  
"Hey." I reply softly. "You're still here this time."  
  
She smiles. "I shouldn't be." The look on my face must have spoken for me 'cos she adds, "I mean, I've still got Angel's car."  
  
"Oh." I lighten up a bit. " He's gonna hate me even more now, isn't he?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
I kiss her forehead. "I guess you're gonna leave soon then."  
  
"Yeah. I've got to try to smooth things over with him…and its gonna take even more work *now*."  
  
I can't help smiling. I watch as she gets up and makes her way around my apartment, gathering up her clothes and stuff. "I would have thought that he'd try calling you or something."  
  
She picks up her cell phone. And reads out loud "17 missed calls. What's the bet he did?"  
  
I smile again, slyly. "Were we really so loud that you didn't hear it ring?"  
  
"Probably. Unless it was still set to vibrate. Soo not as kinky as it sounds." She replies and walks back into my room, now almost fully dressed. She's wearing the same denim mini skirt and red tank top as last night.  
  
I've already gotten up and thrown on some clothes. I walk over to her and kiss her softly. "Do you want breakfast?"  
  
"Sorry, I can't. I've really gotta run. I hope he doesn't kill me." She laughs. "I know he won't but the longer that I leave it…"  
  
"I know."  
  
We stand in silence for a minute before I ask, "Did you really want me to move in with you?"  
  
"Uh, maybe after a few weeks? I've still gotta talk it over with Dennis and we don't even know if *we're* gonna work yet and-"  
  
I cut her off. "That's what I thought. I was actually thinking we do it after a few months to be sure we're not making the biggest mistake of our lives."  
  
"Haven't we already done that?" She mumbles.  
  
I don't know how to reply. "If none of that happened Cordy, we probably wouldn't have found each other." I say, taking her into my arms.  
  
She smiles up at me. "When did *you* get all mushy?" She pulls away and we start walking down the hall.  
  
"I don't know. Like I said, I've been trying to change." I tell her.  
  
"Well, you've obviously been trying hard 'cos…wow. Big change." She pauses. "Its good though."  
  
"I'm trying to be."  
  
We're standing at the front door now. "I'll call you." She tells me, and kisses me on the cheek. I open the door for her and watch her walk down the hall, before closing it.  
  
I look at my answering machine. 5 messages. I press play and listen to each one. The first is from my mom, the next from my sister. The one after is from my best friend in Boston, and the fourth is a girl who I exchanged numbers with the other week. (Don't worry, I'm *not* going to call her back.) The fifth message, however, gets my attention from the word go.  
  
"Hello Lindsey. It's Lilah." (I knew who it was. I spent enough time with the evil bitch to know the sound of her voice.) "How did we get your new number? Oh, you already know how we do stuff like this, so lets cut to the chase. We know your back in town and the senior partners aren't happy. You've been seen with Angel and his crew and we're afraid you're giving away confidential information like last time. Of course, if you do what they want, we *won't* kill you."(Yeah, right. Is she forgetting that I used to work there? I know their methods. They'll kill me either way.) She laughs cruelly and adds, "Oh, the floor show tonight was pretty good, gave us a few laughs…You and that Cordelia chick, huh?" She laughs again and hangs up.  
  
Oh, God. They've got my apartment bugged. That and they're trying to kill me. So much for *not* effecting my kid's life.  
  
I've got to warn Cordy and Angel. (Angel. Urgh. I still don't like him. I hate admitting that I need his help, but I can't protect Cordy by myself. They will go after her too, y'know. Especially once they find everything out.) I grab my keys from the kitchen counter and run out the door. Things just keep getting more and more complicated. 


	9. any suggestions -angel pov

A/N- Okay, so I know lots of you (okay, almost all of you) aren't gonna be happy with me. But, think about it…there are heaps of C/A fics…and they're all great. But I'm trying to be a bit different here. Give Lindsey a bit of the limelight. I mean, there's gotta be something good about him, right? And I promise, *I LOVE ANGEL* just as much as the rest of you, and I *won't* leave him out in the cold. I refuse to do it. The question is: How am I going to make it all work? Keep reading and you'll find out. :) Please keep your reviews coming too.  
  
**********************************  
  
Cordy strolls into the lobby of the Hyperion casually, as if she's only been gone 5 minutes. In truth she's been gone all night. When she left she gave me (and the rest of the gang) the distinct impression she would be dropping Lindsey back at his place and be coming right back. I even lent her my car, to make sure she would. I mean, there was no way she'd stay when she had to get my car back to me, knowing that might need it, right? Wrong.  
  
I started to seriously worry an hour or so later, when she hadn't returned. So I called her cell. No answer. And there was no answer the other 16 times I tried during the night. I was really worried. Not worried that she was with Lindsey (although, that *does* get to me) but that she might have been seriously hurt or something. But, somewhere deep down inside I knew what she was doing. (Or should that be *who* she was doing?)  
  
My suspicions are confirmed now. She's wearing the same thing as last night. And never ever in all the years I've known Cordy has she worn the same outfit twice in one week (or even in one lifetime).  
  
I jump up from my seat on the couch. I've been sitting here all night, only moving to check up on, feed and change Connor. And now I'm angry.  
  
"Where have you been?" I growl. I hate being like this, especially with her, but I can't help it. I'm hurt…and even a little jealous.  
  
"Where do you think?" She replies defiantly. After I don't reply, places her hands on her hips, arches her eyebrows and asks, "Well?"  
  
"Home?" I ask hopefully. I know the truth, but I don't want to. It hurts so much to think about.  
  
"Angel. You know where I was." She says firmly. "And you have to get used to the fact that Lindsey and are together now. As much as you hate it you-"  
  
"You could have called at least." I snap, completely cutting her off.  
  
"And said what? 'Hi I'm sleeping with Lindsey at the moment. I just thought you'd like to know.' ???"  
  
(Ouch.) "I don't care what you *say.*" (Yeah, I know I'm lying. Which I'm supposed to not do.) I soften my tone, "I'd just like to know that you're okay. Knowing what's out there… I need to know you're safe and not someone's meal." (Now I'm telling the truth.) "And I know that you're not a child and that you can make your own decisions and…" (How much do I sound like a parent to a teenager? Which is wrong because I don't love Cordy like that. I'm in love with her. I don't think of her like a parent to a child. Far from it.) "Cordy I was just so worried. I don't know what I'd do if I lost you." (She doesn't know how much I mean that.)  
  
Cordelia is silent and so am I. We just stand in the lobby looking at each other. I've said my part. I've made myself vulnerable to her. I wonder if she knows it. I mean, she knows I don't like to share my feelings, so that's gotta mean *something*.  
  
"Angel…" She starts quietly. "I'm sorry. I've got so much going on and I'm screwing everybody's lives around…Yours. Lindsey's. Not to mention the rest of the gang's…"  
  
She's working herself up again. (Talk about drama queen…but she's not anywhere near this good at acting…unless I've stopped paying attention…) I take a few steps towards her and draw her into my arms. "Cordy, you're not screwing anyone's lives around." God, she feels so good against my chest… "I'm here for you, and so are the others." I want to stand like this all day. This is how it's supposed to be. (Angel, you're doing it again.) I know that I should stop thinking about her, but I can't. I can't even bring myself to pull away from her.  
  
She pulls herself away instead.(Which is a good thing I guess...) "Angel. I know that you guys are here for me. And I'm sorry I didn't call, but…I just got carried away by the moment, I guess." She smiles, "But you'll be pleased to know that Lindsey's not gonna move in with me for a while."  
  
(Yeah, but he's still going to.) "Oh." I say flatly.  
  
"I mean, we're not going to rush into anything just yet."  
  
(What do you think sleeping with him, deciding you love him and having his baby is?) "Well, that's… understandable." (Truthfully, I don't *understand* any of this anymore.)  
  
She hesitates. "I know you're not happy about any of this." (Gee, you think?) "And I know you're probably plotting Lindsey's death." (Actually, I wasn't, but…) " But, I want to thank you for being strong for me and not killing him. I really need you right now. And I want you to know that I *do* understand how hard this all must be for you and I want to thank you for…just being here for me." (And there goes the rest of my anger. Right out the window…Not that there was much of it left, but…)  
  
She moves to walk upstairs. "Well, I'm gonna go have a shower, get changed and pee. I've really needed to do that a lot lately."  
  
"Charming Cordy. Just what I needed to hear." I smile, something I know that I don't do often. Its just to let her know that *we're* okay. Whatever *we* are.  
  
She laughs a little and heads up the stairs. "Cordy," I find myself calling after her. She spins to see me again. "You're welcome." I finish softly. She gives a small smile, turns and heads back towards her room.  
  
I think I just came to the complete realisation that she's not mine and never will be. We're better off being friends and she's happy now. And as long as she's happy and that McDonald treats her right, I'm okay with just watching…I hope.  
  
Around five minutes after her departure up the stairs, Wes and Gunn walk through the door.  
  
"Cordelia's back now, then?" Wesley half-states, half-questions.  
  
"Your car's back. So we figured-" Gunn begins.  
  
I unintentionally cut him off by stating, "Yeah, she's back. She's upstairs…freshening up, I think."  
  
They nod and soon Fred appears, carrying Connor. I take him from her with pride, making baby noises at him. He giggles. I have every idea of how funny this must look. (I mean, the Scourge of Europe talking baby talk.) But I can't help it. It's an urge I get around him…plus…he giggles.  
  
No more than 5 minutes after I take Connor into my arms, Lindsey bursts through the doors. Gunn, Wes and I all spin around defensively taking up fighting stances, me having already passed my son back to Fred, as if ready for the attack. When we realise who it is, we begin to relax.  
  
"Man!" Gunn yells at him. "Don't people know how to knock these days?!"  
  
"No time…Hang on. This is a Hotel and a detective agency. Since when do people have to knock?" Lindsey counters.  
  
"They usually walk in casually. Only potential threats and *threat* threats burst in.' I tell him, reaching for Connor again. "What did you mean 'no time' ?" I turn back suddenly realising what he said.  
  
"Where's Cordy?" He responds, ignoring my question.  
  
"Upstairs." I'm starting to get agitated with him. I mean, *more* agitated than I was before. "Now, what did you mean?"  
  
"She's safe?" He asks, once again ignoring my question.  
  
That's it. He asked for it. (Remember, I *did* try to be nice.) "What did you do?" I snarl menacingly. "If you've put Cordy in *any* danger…" I morph into vamp mode. "…You know the consequences."  
  
He doesn't look unnerved by my threat, and if he is…he's doing a good job hiding it. I guess the fact that Connor started giggling at my face when it changed took some of the fright factor away. I mean, if I can't even scare a baby (not that I'd want to) how am I supposed to scare Lindsey?  
  
"I didn't do anything. I swear. I'd do anything…literally…to keep Cordy and my baby *out* of danger. When are you going to get that through your thick head?"  
  
I pass Connor back to Fred calmly, having un-vamped my face, and then turn back to Lindsey. "Say something like that again and I can guarantee you won't still be standing there. Got it?" He nods and I try again. "Now, why are you back here and why is Cordy's safety an issue?"  
  
"Wolfram and Hart. They saw me with you guys and jumped to the conclusion that I'm giving away confidential information again. If that's not bad enough…they've got my apartment bugged, as in micro-camera's and tape- recorders and everything else they can think of. I don't know for how long, but I know what they've seen and heard…And I know that they want to kill me." He explains. Neither of us noticing Cordy come down the stairs and enter the lobby. "And probably her too."  
  
"There is NO way that'll ever happen!" She objects. We both jump and turn to face her. "I mean, they can't, right? And they…they won't. And…Angel…Angel you won't let them, right?"  
  
I walk over to her and hug her. I can sense Lindsey tense up as I do so.(Good. Let him feel the same way I do.) "Cordy, there's no chance of me ever letting them touch you. I promise." I sigh. Here goes the worse thing I'm ever going to say… "And they're not going to kill Lindsey either."  
  
She looks up into my eyes. I can see the hope and determination. I can sense her shock in relation to my final statement. She doesn't have to speak, yet she asks, "Really?"  
  
"Cordy, for some reason unknown to me, you like this guy. I'm not going to be held responsible for hurting you if I let him die, when I know that I have the chance to help him." I explain.  
  
She squeezes me in appreciation and thanks me, before pulling away and walking into the kitchen. "I'll be right back. I'm starved. Haven't eaten anything yet." She calls from the other room.  
  
"You didn't give her anything to eat? " I ask Lindsey heatedly.  
  
"I tried, but she said she had to get back here pronto before *someone* lost their temper at her even more." He retorts, just as irritably.  
  
(She said that? Is that the way she sees me?… But, I *was* angry with her. And I *did* lose my temper a little…) "Oh." Is all I can say.  
  
"So…what are we gonna do about the evil lawyer dudes?" Gunn speaks up, suddenly changing the topic. (And not a moment too soon.)  
  
"I don't know." I answer. "Any suggestions?" 


	10. reassurance -cordy pov

A/N- okay, uh…have I told you that you're not all gonna love me? And to those of you who suggested Angel/Lilah I *did* contemplate it. But remember, I HAVEN"T SEEN ANY OF SEASON 3! (poor, poor me…very upset) Which sux in its own right…Can you believe how slack Aussie TV is? I mean, really…we have 'Neighbours' and 'Home and Away'(very, very bad Aussie shows) for christ's sake. BLECK! Meanwhile…what's this about Angel and Lilah on Wesley's desk…? No, don't tell me…I've read too many spoilers already… :)  
  
************************************  
  
When I came back into the lobby carrying a slice of reheated pizza, Angel was asking about a plan to keep Wolfram and Hart off our tails…so to speak. Now we're all silent. We have been for the past few minutes. Angel looks around at each of us. "Well?" He queries. "Still nothing?" I shrug back at him, as do Fred, Gunn, Wes and Lindsey. Lorne's still sleeping upstairs. Man, that demon is lazy! We're all facing yet another crisis and all he can do is sleep. Plus its…I glance down at my watch…11am.  
  
"Angel," I start softly, "Have you had *any* sleep in the past 24 hours?"  
  
He shakes his head. "No."  
  
"Then get your butt upstairs and into that bed this instant! If we're going to need to fight the bad guys, you're going to need all your strength." He opens his mouth to object but I throw my hand up, signalling for him to stop. "We'll think of a plan and look after Connor. You sleep. If you're needed, you'll know about it."  
  
He glances towards Wesley and Gunn for guidance, or at least their opinions. They both nod. Wesley adds, "I'm almost certain you shall need all your strength if Wolfram and Hart pull another one of their tricks. Plus you were up all night waiting on Cordelia and she's here now, so-"  
  
Angel interrupts, "I'm going. I'm going. See…watch me heading up the stairs." He trudges away, clearly defeated and mumbling something under his breath.  
  
I smile slightly and turn back to the others, taking another bite from my snack. "So, what are we gonna do about Wolfram and Hart?" I manage with my mouth full. It sounds more like "Sho wot we gon do 'bout Wolf'em 'n Hah?"  
  
"How's about we blow the place up? Get rid of the evil bastards for good?" Gunn suggests.  
  
"A little too conspicuous and illegal, maybe?" I reply. (Clearly now 'cos I just finished my pizza.)  
  
"Take them down from the inside." Wesley offers.  
  
"And how do you propose we do that?" Lindsey asks him. There's something sceptical about his tone that I don't approve of.  
  
"Well, we could…no, that would never work. Or we can…nope. Not possible either." Wes responds, casting his gaze towards the floor and shuffling his feet. After a few seconds, he looks up at Lindsey hopefully. "Uh, I don't suppose you could get back in without getting harmed?"  
  
"Somehow, I doubt it." He replies, his approach a little too harsh for my liking. I take him by the arm and pull him away, out of earshot from the others.  
  
"Lindsey," I snap. "He's just trying to help. You could be a bit more helpful yourself, you know. *Instead* of being so criticising."  
  
"I'm sorry, but I'm facing death here. Not just mine, but yours and our baby's too. And I'm just a bit high strung about it." He argues.  
  
"Lindsey, I face death everyday. I've learnt to handle it. And if I can, so can you. Plus, we're in good hands here. I mean it. Give the gang a little credit." I counter.  
  
"But I-" He begins.  
  
I put my finger against his lips softly. "No buts." I interject. "We're safe here. And you know it. As much as I know you hate Angel… I know you know his strength and power and resistance to Wolfram and Hart…" Listen to me I'm rambling. I pause and take a breath. "As much as you hate him, I know you know that you can count on him."  
  
He sighs and puts his arms around me. "I hope so, Cordy. I hope so."  
  
"I know so." I tell him, looking back up into his eyes. I can see the worry in them. The old Lindsey McDonald would never have let anyone see his emotions. Hell, I don't even know whether the old Lindsey felt emotions. But that doesn't matter 'cos this one does. I hug him back. "I know so." I repeat in a whisper.  
  
After a while , I pull away and lead him back to the others. "Any progress?" I ask.  
  
They shake their heads in unison. "No, we really haven't come up with anything substantial yet." Wesley states.  
  
"What English means is we don't have any idea of how to take the group of evil lawyers down yet." Gunn tells us.  
  
"Maybe we could just tell them that Lindsey's not telling us anythin' and then they'll leave us alone." Fred muses hopefully.  
  
"Oh, Fred sweetie, you seriously don't know what these guys are like, do you?" I say, adding, "It's a nice dream though."  
  
She smiles timidly, gratefully and happily all at once. Fred's a really sweet person, but when it comes to attack strategies…lets just say, she's not the best helper in the world. But, she's a valuable member of the AI team. Plus, I think that everyone's allowed a say, no matter how corny. I mean, when I was a 'scooby' I never really had the best ideas either…but I still put my 2 cents worth in. Only, I got criticised for it and I don't think I should put others (especially nice people…which, lets face it, I wasn't in high school) through the same thing. …I guess I've changed a lot in the past few years too, huh?  
  
While Wes, Gunn, Fred and I debate different tactics (all of which are completely insane) Lindsey raises his hand slightly, to bring the attention towards him. After we're all looking at him, he says, "I think I have a plan." 


	11. the plan -lindsey pov

A/N- Ah hah! I've got it! From here we're gonna cross over with Btvs. I might bring in a Buffy pov. What do you think? I *really* need to know on this one. Don't hold out on me. PLEASE REVIEW and tell me what you think of a Buffy pov. I need to know before I start on the next chapters. Thanks.  
  
*********************************  
  
"So, we all agree that this is suicide?" Cordy asks from her seat on the lounge, bewildered. I've spent the past few hours explaining every little detail of my plan over and over again. Angel came back downstairs about half an hour ago (followed by that Lorne guy), so I summed it all up again. They caught on pretty easily, which was good. The plan isn't that complex actually. In fact, it's really simple.  
  
Basically, Cordy and I stage a fight in my apartment. We tell each other all sorts of horrible things and so forth. She tells me to stay away from her, our baby, Angel and everyone else, stating how evil I am and that I only came back to rejoin Wolfram and Hart and take AI down. I yell something back to support her statement and try to threaten her. (Remembering this is only a rough draft. We'll fine-tune it later.) It has to seem realistic and it *cannot* be revealed that I've told her about the message. That's why when I leave today; Angel will be kicking my sorry ass out. Because, as the fight will reveal, I came to try and kidnap Connor (Yeah, I do know that W&H are after him, I have my own sources in LA) and *not* worry about Cordy's safety…or something like that.  
  
After my fight with Cordelia, I grovel my way back into Wolfram and Hart, explaining that I tried to take Angel Investigations down from the inside, by wrecking the lives of those closest to him. I'll also tell them that at first I was doing it as a personal vendetta towards Angel, but I decided that I could do more damage with W&H on my side. That's gonna be when Angel and Cordy found me out. It might take a while to regain Wolfram and Hart's trust, but once I've achieved it I'll use a plan similar to this one to make them think I'm attempting to take AI down again. Whereby giving me a chance to spend time with Cordy without being killed.  
  
A little confusing at the moment, but it'll be clearer when we sort everything out properly.  
  
So, now (in my plan) I'm spending time with the fang gang again, making it look to Wolfram and Hart like I'm getting all the information and trust that I need to take Angel down, without him realising it. When, in truth, I'm filling Angel in with all that he needs to know about destroying my law firm. And then, I get Wolfram and Hart to strike. They bring in all their biggest and baddest, however, at the same time I've got Angel and Co sneaking into Wolfram and Hart and destroying files and computers. Gunn wants to set the place on fire or blow it up or something like that. (We're still thinking on that one.) Now, back to the bad guys in the hotel…Gunn's gonna see whether he could get his gang in to field that one and Angel even suggested bringing in the Slayer and her posse. Apparently, one of their witchy friends is an excellent hacker, so we might even use her to clear all of Wolfram and Hart's hard-drives from the outside.  
  
Now, back to Cordy's question. "Cordelia I realise that it could go wrong- " I begin. She interrupts, getting a little frantic.  
  
"*Could*?!" She yells. " It *will* go wrong! And when it does…th-they'll kill you!"  
  
I move to sit in front of her on the coffee table again. I place my hands on hers and lean forward, trying to gain eye contact. "Cordy, It won't go wrong. They won't catch on. I promise. They won't kill me. I won't let them. If things start to get out of hand, I'll call it quits right there. I'll pull back out of Wolfram and Hart and-"  
  
"And then we'll be back to square one again! Only this time it'll be even more dangerous 'cos you'll know more about them and they'll worry even more that you're giving away top secret info and you'll be dead before you know it! Its *SUICIDE* Lindsey. Either way it is. And you know it!" She's standing up now, pacing recklessly.  
  
"That's why we're not going to do it that way." Angel speaks up solemnly.  
  
We all turn to look at him. "Then what do you have in mind?" I ask. Personally, I liked my plan…well, all of it except me dying.  
  
"We stick with the basics of your plan." He states. I nod and he continues. "But, we do it quickly. You don't get a chance to gain their trust. You just lead them here ASAP, where Gunn's friends and Buffy's group will be waiting 'cos you've already given us the heads up. We'll be back at their offices doing a lot of damage while their worst are getting their asses kicked here. This all happens in the next few days. Got it?"  
  
Sounds a bit more logical than my plan. Easier too. "But, how do I get them here and how do I give you the heads up?"  
  
"Tell them you know how to get Connor. Plot something out and everything. Like, we might set up a fake bug here so it looks like you got in when they couldn't. Which also makes it look like you can be trusted and used by them in this situation. Which means you'll have to think of a better reason for doing it…like you want something from them. Be the evil Lindsey that we all know so well and they won't doubt you too much. Now, to give us the heads up…" Angel pauses for a second. "Well, it has to be something that they won't suspect. Something that even if they hear you or see you doing it, you'll be safe…" He ponders on it for a while. The rest of us remain silent.  
  
Fred raises her hand. (Oh, here we go. This is the same woman that suggested we tell them I'm not doing anything wrong and they'll go away. I know she's just trying to help, but where's the logic? I mean, isn't she supposed to be a physicist or something?)  
  
Everyone looks at her. "Why doesn't he order tacos or somethin'? I mean, we could use how he orders 'em as a code. And, we know the people that work there and they know that we…or you guys…are detectives. So, maybe we could tell them that when this man enters and orders something its part of a case we're workin' on and they have to call us immediately and tell us what he orders." She stops and looks around at everyone hopefully.  
  
I think she actually had a good idea. I mean, it makes sense and I like tacos. Lilah even knows that. "I think we might just pull this off." I utter.  
  
Fred looks back at me, surprised that I'm agreeing with her idea. "You mean it?"  
  
"I like the tacos scheme. Wolfram and Hart would never suspect it. It might just work." I reply, looking around at everyone else. "What do you think?"  
  
They all nod slowly, summing it all up in their heads and assessing it.  
  
"So, we're settled then? This is how its gonna be?" Gunn asks. "I'm in."  
  
"Me too." Wesley adds.  
  
Angel's already made it clear he agrees. Lorne on the other hand looks a little shaky. "I might just sit this one out. You know…keep my eye on the ladies and the baby…In case the worst happens and you guys don't come back…"  
  
"Coward." Gunn murmurs.  
  
Lorne snaps his head back towards him. "I never said I wasn't."  
  
Cordy clears her throat. "Uh, well, that's good. But, who's gonna call Buffy 'cos she doesn't know about Connor yet…and I'm soooo not gonna be the one to tell her. She already thinks I'm a bitch. There's no way I'm making my reputation even worse by telling her that her ex that she thought couldn't have sex *did* and got her enemy …whom she turned to dust like 5 or 6 years ago…pregnant. I mean-"  
  
Angel cuts her off, halfway through her rambling. "*I'm* going to call her." His expression is one of emotional pain. I don't know what he's feeling right now, but I'm certain it's not good. 


	12. this isn't good -angel pov

A/N- okay, well…here's the plan. I'm gonna cross over with Btvs and remember: I *did* ask for your points of view.(Thank you to those of you who *did* respond.) So now I'm bringing in a Buffy pov. Before I start, are there any other Buffy characters you need pov's from, or is the one enough? PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE REVIEW! I go back to school tomorrow for the start of my senior year (Yay! Go team me!) so I might not be able to post the chapters as fast…unless of course I get enough motivation from you guys… :) Seriously, the more I know you want it, the more I'll make time to write it. Thanks.  
  
******************************  
  
This isn't good.  
  
I'm about to call Buffy to get her to come to LA with *all* the Scoobies. If that isn't bad enough its to help *Lindsey*.  
  
This isn't good.  
  
I mean, how do I tell her about Connor and then ask her to come here? If I know Buffy, it's not gonna go down too well with her. She's not going to like this, but I have no choice. Plus, she can't exactly stake me over the phone. I know, I know…she won't stake me anyway. I pick up the receiver in my office and punch in her number.  
  
Oh, God…This isn't good.  
  
Dawn answers. 'Hello? Summers residence. Dawn speaking."  
  
"Dawn, hi." I reply, attempting to keep my tone casual.  
  
"Angel? Is that you? Boy, you sound a bit more jumpy than usual. Actually…hey" She sounds suspicious (is that even the right word?…) "…since when do *you* sound jumpy?"  
  
I chuckle slightly. "Uh…is Buffy there? I'm sure she'll explain it after?" (Yeah, she'll want to stake me too…)  
  
I hear her pull the receiver away from her face and yell, "Buffy! Phone!" Then I can hear Buffy walk into the room. I still miss her, I mean; I'm always going to love her. Even if I fall in love again (with someone *other* than Cordy) a part of me will always love her. I can hear her asking Dawn who's on the other end.  
  
When Dawn apparently doesn't answer, she pulls the phone to her face and asks, "Hello?" cautiously. That's Buffy for you. Cautious of everyone, even if they're on the other end of a telephone conversation.  
  
"Buffy." I answer. Its funny how I can say her name and all my emotions can be displayed through the one small word.  
  
"Angel." And its funny how its exactly the same for her to say mine.  
  
"How have you been?"  
  
"Alive. You?"  
  
"Undead."  
  
She chuckles slightly. I didn't intend to be funny… "So, what can I help you with now Angel? What big bad is terrorising you guys in LA.?"  
  
"Wolfram and Hart. Big bunch of evil lawyers." I explain, adding, "It's a long, painful story."  
  
"Then start telling it now."  
  
"Well…they have this vendetta against me. I'm kinda' like one of their special cases. They want to destroy me and the rest of the gang here in LA, but they would rather see me revert back to being Angelus. They came *really* close last year. Brought Darla back from dust…making her human… and tortured me with her. But, she was good, soul and everything... So, then they tied me down and made me watch as Drusilla turned her. And tortured me even more. So, I started going dark again…and then I tried to lose my soul…" I don't want to say it but I have to. "…With Darla. But it didn't work, actually…it did the opposite. And I kicked her out. I was back to being one broody, angst filled vampire with a soul. I was stupid to think the trigger was sex in the first place, but-"  
  
"Hold up." Buffy interrupts. "You slept with Darla?" She's (just as I predicted) not very happy. "Why are you telling me this?!"  
  
"Well, I was getting to that. And, oh god, Buffy I'm sorry…But I don't regret it." Oops. Shouldn't have said it like that.  
  
"I beg your pardon?!"  
  
"Well, do you regret sleeping with 'farm boy'?" Argh! I shouldn't have said that either. Way to go Angel, she's really gonna help now. Before she can respond, I try to mend my statement. "That's not what I meant to say. Buffy, I'm sorry…I…I didn't mean that. I know its different…but, I don't regret it 'cos-"  
  
She's really pissed off now. And a pissed of slayer is not fun, especially when you're her vampire ex. "Because why?" She snaps at me.  
  
"Because she came back a few months ago and-"  
  
"And now that you can have sex without losing your soul, you're-."  
  
"No. That's not it. She staked herself, Buffy. She staked herself so my son could live!" There I said it…well, I kinda yelled it, but still…  
  
Buffy's silent. I can hear her breathing, so I know that she hasn't hung up on me. After a while she speaks again. "What?" She asks quietly.  
  
"She came back a few months ago and was oh so very pregnant. Which, I know, vampires…well, it shouldn't happen. But it was…or did…or whatever. It was happening to her and me. And then Connor was born and Darla staked herself." I stop and let that sink in, before continuing with "The PTBs sent me a son, Buffy. And he's got some sort of prophecy or big power thingy coming up. That's why Wolfram and Hart are after him now. But, its not just him they're after. Its also Cordy and her…well, Lindsey. He's one of their ex-lawyers, but he's supposed to be good now. And I promised Cordy that I wouldn't let them hurt him 'cos she loves him and she wants him to be around when their kid is born…and *that's* an even longer story, which we'll cover later…" I rush at her. I take an un-required breath "So, we…we were kinda wondering if you guys could come to LA, stay a few nights, help take down a big evil law firm and maybe come out for dinner and get to know our newest members." I finish, my voice full of hope.  
  
She's quiet again, obviously absorbing most of this. "When do you want us there?" She asks as brightly as possible, even though I know how she must feel inside.  
  
I smile back, even though I know she can't see me. "How soon can you get here?" 


	13. long night ahead -buffy pov

A/N- Thanks again for your honest and helpful feedback. I know you still want C/A and *believe* me, I respect that. I do. See, I have this plan…but all you need to know is that even if it doesn't work out in *this* fic, you can be sure there will be others…maybe even a sequel, if I can finish this one. :) I think someone said that bringing Buffy in will only dilute the fic, so I'll try to keep the Buffyness away from the C/L/A dynamic. I swear. If it looks like I'm drifting LET ME KNOW. Also, please try to remember that I haven't seen any of season 6 Buffy and this fic is completely AU. Thanks.And remember to GIVE ME *ALL* YOUR FEEDBACK…  
  
*****************************  
  
(Sunnydale)  
  
I hang up the phone. I'm going to LA, which is something I try to avoid doing at all costs. But, worse than that, I'm going to LA to help protect Angel's son *and* an ex-evil lawyer who seems to be having a kid with Cordy. Both concepts are very bizarre and upsetting to me. More so the 'Angel has a baby' part, but still, the whole fact that 'Cordelia is pregnant to a once-evil lawyer' is also a little weird. Trust her to go for a lawyer, though…typical Cordy. Xander's gonna have a ball with this.  
  
Oh, god. I have to tell him that he's coming too. See, I kinda told Angel that everyone is. Hang on…*Does* Angel want Spike to come as well? Oh, god…does he even know that Spike's on the good side now? And then there's the fact that I've been sleeping with him…No, he doesn't need to know that. Anyhow, he screwed Darla, and she was EVIL…  
  
Buffy, concentrate here.  
  
Where was I? Oh, yeah…Xander's not gonna like seeing Angel again. Especially when I explain the whole baby dynamic. I mean, Angel actually *tried* to lose his soul again. With Darla no less. But what I *really* can't believe is that I'm the one left to explain it to the Scoobies. Why the hell couldn't Angel do it himself? I know: because he's a coward. He's a typical male. You'd think that after 240 odd years of life (or unlife) he'd be different to every other guy on this planet. Hah! That's a laugh.  
  
I'm getting worked up again, aren't I?  
  
Sighing, I walk into the living room, where Dawn, Spike and Tara are waiting. Dawn looks up at me her eyes gleaming.  
  
"So, spill it." She instructs. "Angel was jumpy. Angel's NEVER jumpy. Dish. Now."  
  
Spike looks at Dawn then back at me. "Nibblet has a point. Somethin's up with the poof and I think we all have the right to know what it is."  
  
"Pack some bags. We're going to LA. I'll explain when everyone's here." I reply, sighing. Oh, great. I meant to call Xander, Giles and Willow. I turn abruptly and walk back into the kitchen to get the phone. I punch in Giles' number and after a few rings he picks up.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Hi. Uh, Giles…do you have anything planned this week?"  
  
"Not to my knowledge." He answers, then suddenly concerned, rushes "Why? Buffy, what's wrong? Is there a new demon that we need to research or-"  
  
"Giles." I interrupt. "Nothing's *wrong* per say. Its just…I *might* have promised Angel that all us Scoobies would go to LA for a few days…you know, help take down their Big Bad and catch up."  
  
"You did what?" He responds, clearly disapproving of my decision "Buffy, I do *not* want to leave Sunnyhell…oh, for Christ sakes…I think I've spent too much time with Spike." I can't help letting out a small snort of laughter. Giles gets even more frustrated and continues, ignoring my sense of humour. (What? They don't have them in England?) "I do not want to leave Sunny*DALE* for any amount of time. I've got the 'Magic Box' to run and I don't imagine you're taking Dawn, as she has school, so it'd be best if I stayed to look after her and besides…" He trails off muttering something (Which I'm guessing is not very nice) about Wesley.  
  
"Giles. I know. I shouldn't have told him we'd all go…but it's a long story. Can I explain it to you when you get here? Say…in half an hour?"  
  
He sighs. "Very well. I'll see you then."  
  
"Cool. Can you call Willow and tell her to come? I've gotta call Xander and Anya." Then before he has a chance to respond I add, "Thanks. Bye Giles." brightly and hang up. Now I begin punching in Xander's number.  
  
Half an hour or so later we're all assembled in my living room. Dawn's pouting because she has to stay here with Giles. (I decided that she was safer that way.) Xander and Spike are sulking because neither of them wants to see Angel again…I guess they each have their reasons. (None of which I'd like to hear about.) Willow, Tara and Anya seem fine with the idea. But… I kinda haven't told them about either of the baby things yet. All they know is that there's a big bad law firm that needs to be taken down and the gang in LA needs help.  
  
I clear my throat. Everyone looks at me again. "Guys, there's something else you need to know *before* we get there." I tell them, nervously playing with a loose strand of hair.  
  
"Well, go on…don't leave us in suspense…what else about the sodding nancy boy do we not know yet?" Spike urges.  
  
"He, uh…he has a baby." I tell them. Glancing at their blank faces I add, "Angel has a son. That's part of why they're taking down the evil law firm. You see, Connor…that's Angel's son…well, he's gonna be something powerful or special and the lawyer guys don't like it and-"  
  
"Back up!" Xander interrupts. "Did you just say that *dead boy* has a son?"  
  
I nod and Giles fumbles with his glasses, looking confused. "But vampires are infertile creatures…th-that isn't possible."  
  
"I hope it isn't." Spike mumbles. Suddenly I have the urge to stake him…and I shoot him a look that tells him just that.  
  
Drawing my gaze back to Giles I respond, "Yeah, well…Angel's case has always been a little different and the PTB's sent him Con-"  
  
This time it's Anya who cuts me off. "Okay…but I thought that it takes both a male *and* a female to procreate. So, who did he get pregnant?"  
  
I knew that question was coming, I was just hoping that it wouldn't. "That would be Darla."  
  
Spike's eyes widen. "*The* Darla? As in, the bitch you supposedly staked back in '96? Angel's sire?"  
  
"Yep." When nobody says anything I explain everything the way Angel did. Well, I rush it a lot *less*…and I *don't* bring Riley into it, but…other than that, its all Angel. Then I tell them about Cordy's beau and her current, uh, situation. "…And that's about it. Any questions?" I finish looking around at everyone again.  
  
They shake their heads wearily and we all agree to meet back here in a few hours with all our bags packed. I usher everyone out the front door and wave them off, saying I'll see them in a few. Giles is going to happily stay here and supervise Dawn. Once he leaves, she glares at me and whines, "Buffy…I want to go! I want to see Connor!"  
  
"What are you, five?" I ask, referring to the temper tantrum she's almost starting. "Look, I'll take you to LA when it's safer. Plus, you have school now. I can't let you miss anymore of it."  
  
She crosses her arms defiantly, but beaten. "I want photos, then." She pouts.  
  
I smile. "Then, photos there'll be." I wrap my arms around her in a sisterly hug. "I promise…if I live through this…we'll go to LA one weekend, meet up with dad and also let you see the baby."  
  
"Buffy?"  
  
"Hmm?"  
  
"Are you okay with Angel having a baby? I mean, I know you must be real upset about it…I would be and…if you need to talk…I'm your sister. I'm always here."  
  
A tear rolls down my cheek. "Dawnie…you have no idea how much that means to me. And I don't know how I feel about it at the moment. I'm still kinda' numb to be honest. But thanks."  
  
"Hello? Earth to Buffy?" She says, pulling away from me and waving her hand in front of my face dramatically, "You *jumped into a hell portal and killed yourself for me*. This is the least I can do for you."  
  
I smile and hug her again. Neither of us speaks. This is a sisterly moment. One which is rudely interrupted by someone banging on the door. I sigh, frustration practically oozing out of my pores, especially after I open the door.  
  
"Spike. What are you doing back here?"  
  
"Did my packing." He shows me a couple of stakes and a pack of cigarettes. "Plus, I worked out that I got some clothes here." He glances at Dawn. She doesn't know that I've been sleeping with Spike and I'd like it if it stayed that way. I mean, he really cares about her…almost as much as I do…but, I don't know. I'm still finding it weird myself. I haven't even told the other Scoobies, and they're my best friends. Am I ashamed of being with Spike? They all know he loves me…but…urgh. This is too complicated. Spike's in the middle of explaining why his clothes are here, I'd better pay attention 'cos I might need to back him up if she doesn't buy it. "…So I pay the slayer to do my washin'."  
  
I nod in agreement. Dawn laughs and raises her eye brows. "Guys…I kinda know about you two. As in the whole sex thing."  
  
I freeze in horror. "D-dawn!" I finally stammer "I…we're not…how'd you-"  
  
"Don't worry. The others don't know. I only found out 'cos I came back from The Bronze last night to grab some extra cash and I kinda heard-"  
  
"That's okay!" I interrupt. "I don't need to know what you heard. And you're…you're okay with it?"  
  
"That you're having sex? It doesn't bother me. But, Xander might be a different story. You're gonna tell them all that you're together, right?"  
  
Spike looks at me. I don't know what to say. I mean, I was sleeping with him, but…I don't find myself in couple status with him. "I…don't know. I guess Spike and I need to talk."  
  
She looks from me to him, then back at me. "Oh, got it. I'm gone." She bounds up the stairs and into her room, closing the door.  
  
"Spike…do you think we're a 'couple' ?" I ask gently, turning to face him again.  
  
"Don't know. What about you pet?"  
  
"I didn't. I don't. I mean, I know you love me…or used to, but the sex…I don't know." I stumble. I don't want to hurt him. (Hey, that's new.)  
  
"Hey, pet. Its okay. I liked the odd shag here and there too. If you don't want to go any deeper, I understand." He's holding me and its only now that I realise that I'm crying.  
  
Something tells me that it's gonna be a very long night. 


	14. A.S.A.P -cordy pov

A/N- uh…how far would you say Sunnydale is from LA? Few hours? Few days? Please help me…  
  
*********************************  
  
"You *told* them?!" I ask in disbelief. Angel nods in response. "Angel! I can't believe you! I would have liked to have done it myself…like when they got here. NOT over the phone! NOT from you!" He just stares back blankly, which gets me even more worked up. "That was personal information and you just *told* them! Without even asking me! Argh!" I throw my hands up into the air dramatically, trying to emphasise how upset I am.  
  
"Cordelia, don't you think you're over reacting just a little?" Wes cautiously queries from behind me.  
  
Furious, I spin to face him. "No! I don't! You don't just *give* information like that away!" (Okay, so maybe I am over reacting just a tad.)  
  
"Cordy, chill." Gunn begins, standing to my right. "All Buffy asked was what kind of things you might like as a 'congratulations' gifty thing…"  
  
"Exactly!" I reply, then at their confused looks I add, "If they get me something I'm gonna feel like I need to do something for them in return…And I don't like that feeling…I mean, we're not exactly on the best of terms and-" I stop abruptly. I'm starting to sound just like Queen C; the bitch of Sunnydale High. *That* was the old me. I'm not supposed to be like that anymore. The visions of all the pain and suffering in the world made me change and realise that there is a lot more to life than being a bitch,… among other things. The visions…  
  
"Oh, God! The Visions!" I suddenly exclaim, causing everyone to jump and run to my side, ready to catch me. "No! I'm not *having* a vision…but they…they…they're dangerous…for my baby…I can't have…bad…painfulness…my baby" I'm stammering and not making any sense.  
  
"Cordy, its okay." Angel hushes, placing his hand on my shoulder, softly letting me know that he cares.  
  
I turn to him, not hiding the panic I'm feeling. Pulling myself together, I finally manage, "The visions…they muck things up inside me…What's gonna happen if I get them while I'm pre-"  
  
Lindsey gently pulls me away from Angel and into his arms, and holds me protectively, preventing me from finishing my thought. He'd stayed out of the conversation for a while, but now I can tell he's worried too. "Cordelia…those power things that gave you the visions…they're good, right?"  
  
"Yeah…I guess. But it doesn't stop them from messing with my body…not in the sexual way, but the 'destroy all your internal systems' kinda way…"  
  
"This is different, though. I mean, a baby is pure innocence. It's a single wholesome soul, that hasn't done anything wrong or anything like that. It's a physical manifestation of goodness. Its what the power thingies stand for. They wouldn't actively do anything to harm that." He explains. It makes sense.  
  
"You think so?" I sniffle. I'd been on the verge of tears, and I'm only just realising it now. (It's amazing how that happens. One second you're fine and the next you've got tears streaming down your face without you knowing it…or, is that just me?)  
  
Lindsey nods and I rest my head on his shoulder. I'm facing Angel and Wes and they nod as well.  
  
"As much as I hate to say it…Lindsey has a point." Angel adds. There's something about the way he's speaking that makes me feel a little sad. Its like he's regretful or something like that. I can feel the pain in his voice and I don't know why he's so miserable. I'm gonna have to speak to him alone again. I don't want him being Mr Brood for much longer. And I *definitely* don't want him pining away on the inside with all these feelings again 'cos last time he did that he tried to go evil. *Hell* he was almost there already, he may have still had a soul, but he *was* dark. I don't want that happening again.  
  
Wes brings me out of my thoughts by stating, "And…if you're still unsure…maybe a trip to the oracles might be in order."  
  
"That's not a bad idea…but aren't they…you know…dead?" Gunn interrupts. He'd been there when Angel had told us the oracles had been sliced up by that demon. (It was the same demon who gave me the onslaught of painful visions…you know, the visions that changed me.)  
  
"Uh, long story short…they're back and I can get to them, with Lorne's help." Angel tells him. "I'll fill you in later, 'kay?"  
  
Gunn nods his understanding and the conversation is pretty much over. Over the baby monitor, Connor begins to wake up. Its always the same…first he'll make these cute little muffled sounds, then he'll start to whinge and, to complete the ritual, he'll break into a loud wail until someone goes in to greet him. Today seems to be no exception.  
  
"I got him." I announce. Unfortunately, Angel does the same. (Have I mentioned that we *always* do this.) I pull myself away from Lindsey completely and make a move for the stairs. Angel reaches them before me. We race up and he lets me get into the elevator first. (What can I say, he's a gentleman.) I smile and declare a truce. "Do you want to help me?" I ask. "You can change him and I can play with him."  
  
Angel laughs, something he rarely ever does. "Why does it sound like you're getting the better end of the bargain?"  
  
" 'Cos I am. And I always do. And I always will."  
  
He loses his smile and quietly responds "I hope so." He says it so quietly that I almost miss it entirely. Then the smile is back.(I want to ask "What was that?" but I hold my tongue.) We reach our floor and step out into the hall. Connor's room is attached to Angel's, with a connecting door. However, like most hotel rooms, you can access it from the hall as well. I open the door and step in, cooing his name.  
  
He stops crying immediately and peers through the bars of his crib. When he recognises us, a smile crawls across his tiny face. Angel smiles back at him and steps forward to the crib. Connor extends his arms into the air, whinging as if to say 'Pick me up now!' or 'Hurry up!'  
  
"Alright already." Angel says, lifting the baby out of the crib with ease. "Man, you're getting heavier."  
  
I can't help just leaning against the doorway and watching. Father and son. It's the most adorable sight. The way Angel interacts with his son is amazing. Plus, its funny to watch the once-scourge of Europe (and our Mr Brood) talking baby talk. He literally goes ga-ga for Connor. We all do, but it's so…different to see Angel like this.  
  
"…What do you think?" Angel asks, shaking me out of my thoughts again.  
  
"Hmm? About what?"  
  
"This outfit…on *Connor*." He answers, holding Connor up for me to see.  
  
I smile, remembering the last time he'd asked me what I thought of 'this outfit' without specifying 'Connor'. I'd spent around ten minutes explaining that black on black, with a side of black is not the best look for Angel, and how he should wear a white shirt or something a little more…colourful. He hadn't liked hearing my advice, considering some of the things I'd said (we don't need to go there at the moment), and had gone all sulky. "Its cute. But…you did it again." I finally reply.  
  
"Awww …come on…he looks good in the little black jacket." He playfully waggles Connor in front of me. "Reminds you of me, huh?"  
  
(Actually, he does…) "The black jacket does *not* suit the sailor outfit. Where the hell…literally…*did* you get your fashion sense? Or should I say, lack there of ?"  
  
"Hey! Chicks dig the black look." He states in mock seriousness.  
  
I burst into fits of laughter. "Bet if they heard you talk, they'd think differently. *Chicks dig*? …That's soo funny…" And I'm laughing again. (Although…Angel really wouldn't have to talk. He's good looking and girls pick up on that, and that alone. It doesn't matter what he wears or what he says 'cos he's so damn gorgeous he can pull anything off. But I'm not gonna tell him that, it'd wreck my argument and I'd lose our little debate. I know, I'm still shallow, but I can't change my *whole* personality overnight. Well, that's my excuse anyway…)  
  
After a while, I convince Angel to take the jacket off Connor. We laugh a little more and head back down to the others. Angel's lost that air of sadness, so maybe I don't need to have that talk with him anymore.  
  
"So…the Scoobies are comin' to LA." I hear Gunn say as we near the group. "Its about time I met them guys. You're always talkin 'bout 'em."  
  
"Not *always*, Gunn." Wesley corrects. "But yes…we do mention them from time to time."  
  
"And it's enough to make a guy wanna meet these people." Gunn replies.  
  
"So, when are they gonna get here?" Fred asks. It's the most I've heard her say since Angel went into his office to call Buffy. I guess she's been overwhelmed by everything. God knows I have.  
  
We all look at Angel. That was the one thing he hadn't told us. Cradling Connor, he shrugs. "She said they would leave as soon as possible…"  
  
  
  
***********************************  
  
A/N (2) – okay, okay…you have to tell me what you think now. I mean it. Please. Any constructive criticism is happily accepted and I *REALLY* need to know how long it might take to get to LA from Sunnydale. This is crucial stuff. PLEASE REVIEW! I NEED TO KNOW, PEOPLE! 


	15. please -lindsey pov

A/N- Okay…so you all still want C/A… You guys aren't gonna like me…but try to remember, there'll be other fics written by yours truly…and maybe a sequel to this (if you guys want it, but we'll discuss that later, let me finish this one first)…just give me time. Just a question, though…why is it that nobody can warm to Lindsey? Okay, so there *are* one or 2 of you…I mean…*us*, but he's good here. Just a thought…Who likes Kate (as in Lockley) or is she no-good? Remember to review.  
  
*******************************  
  
So, there you have it. The plan. Looks like we're gonna go through with it. But, as much as I keep telling Cordelia that it'll be fine and nothing will go wrong, I've got this knot in the pit of my stomach that says otherwise. Yeah, I'm doubtful. I can't help it. I guess I've never been one to look on the bright side. But, I've got to try…it's not just my life on the line now.  
  
"So…are you gonna stay here tonight?" Cordy asks. "I mean, its safer than if you went back to your place…and it could support the plan 'cos you can always tell Wolfram and Hart that you were trying to make yourself be trusted and then strike when we weren't looking…or something like that…"  
  
"Uh…" I begin, looking over at Angel uneasily, "I don't know if that's the best idea at the moment…"  
  
"Cordy has a point. You're safer here…and then you're story *would* check out with the others." Angel states.  
  
I'm grateful for his understanding, or at least his tolerance. (I don't think Angel is very understanding…but it looks like he's making an effort.) "Okay…I guess I'm staying, then."  
  
A few moments of silence pass, only broken every now and then by Connor's baby noises. At the moment, there's only Angel, Cordelia, Connor and I in the Hyperion. Gunn is out asking his gang for their co-operation. Wesley's gone back to his apartment to find a few books and scrolls and what-have- you that may be of some use when they try to take down the W&H building. (You know, spells and stuff…to get past security and that kind of thing.) Fred went with him, on the premise that he may need help. (Its so obvious that those two are attracted to each other, why they don't hook up is beyond me…) Lorne…well…I don't know what he's doing, but he said something about needing a decent drink… So that leaves us.  
  
Cordy's sitting on the couch again, nursing Connor. She's *really* attached to him. Angel's on the chair to her right, just watching her interact with his son. I'm starting to get this vibe that Cordelia meant more to him than family…I'm hoping that I'm wrong on this one. But, his body language and the look in his eyes tell me that it's true.  
  
Angel loves Cordelia. There's the shock of the century. I wonder if she knows…I bet she doesn't. I bet he's kept his feelings hidden from her and, now that I've moved in on his turf, he's realised its too late. Unless, of course, he's planning on getting me out of the picture… No. I don't need to think about that. Plus, if he knows that Cordy loves me, he wouldn't do anything to break her trust. Or would he? No. He wouldn't…I hope.  
  
I can't help feeling sorry for him. I mean, putting myself in his shoes for a minute…I don't think I'd like it if I was in love with someone and then somebody that I considered an enemy comes and takes her away…  
  
He looks so miserable. I guess he thought that he finally had everything…and I'm destroying that. To him it must look like I'm taking her from his family… but that was never my intention. Maybe the old Lindsey would do something vile and loathsome to destroy him deliberately, but me…the Lindsey of now…well, I haven't done anything awful. And I didn't do anything on purpose either…it all just happened. I never even thought of how my actions might effect *him*. I never even suspected that he might love her.  
  
The phone rings, jerking me out of my thoughts. Cordelia gets up and walks to her desk, still nursing Connor. I watch as Angel's sad eyes follow her. Without turning to me he pointedly asks, "What?"  
  
"You love her don't you ?" I reply quietly. My eyes pass towards Cordy, who is now sitting down and jotting notes down on a piece of paper, the phone held onto her shoulder by her head as both her hands are busy cradling the baby and writing. She's a multi-tasker and does it with style.  
  
Angel faces me. "Yeah…she's part of my family."  
  
I smile grimly. "No…you're *in* love with her."  
  
He goes blank. "And if I am?"  
  
"I'm sorry." I tell him. He knows what I mean.  
  
"No, I'm sorry. It's my fault. If I had have told her in the first place…but I didn't know. It just pounced on me the other day. And I know I've lost her…" He answers sorrowfully. But then he hardens. "But, if you don't treat her properly I *will* make you suffer."  
  
"I know. Believe me when I say that I don't want anything to happen to her. I don't want to hurt her and if I do, there's nothing that you can do that will be worse than the torture I'll feel deep inside myself." I pause. "I'm not taking her away…you know that, right?"  
  
He looks at me. Its almost as if he's contemplating throwing me out of the window from the top floor. (Or that's what his eyes seem to say.) "I hope not."  
  
"Angel, if I'd have known that you loved her…" I trail off. I don't know how to phrase it. There's so much I need to tell him, but I don't know how to start.  
  
He simply nods. "I know." Then, he smirks "You're really not as evil as you used to be, Lindsey. Which, at the same time as being good for Cordy…it also makes it a great deal harder to hate you."  
  
I chuckle softly, the mood lightening significantly. Cordy appears at Angel's side, holding her notes in one hand, the baby still in the other. Angel looks up at her. "Whatcha got for me?"  
  
She glances at the piece of paper once, then hands it to him. "Mrs Johansson again. She says the hydro-water-demony thing's back again."  
  
He rolls his eyes and stands up. "Is she *sure* this time? 'cos last time it was just leaky piping in her roof…Seriously, do I *look* like a plumber to you?"  
  
"Well…" She starts.  
  
"On second thoughts…Don't answer that. I think I'm better off not knowing." He says, cutting her off. They both laugh and he disappears into his office, emerging a couple of minutes later wearing his full-length black coat. His weapons and other demon-disposal equipment are probably concealed somewhere underneath it.  
  
"I'm gone." He informs us, stepping out the front doors. (The sun set around half an hour ago, so he doesn't burst into flames.)  
  
Connor is suddenly aware of the lack of his father. He starts to squirm in Cordelia's arms and before long he's crying. She tries everything to calm him down, but nothing seems to phase him at all.  
  
"C'mon…" She coos at him for like the 100th time. "Shhh…its okay…"  
  
"Do you mind if I try?" I ask, holding my hands out.  
  
She hesitates, only for a millisecond, but I still saw it.  
  
"I won't try to make a break for it." I assure her. "I promise."  
  
A sheepish smile brushes across her lips. "Sorry. I'm *really* overprotective of this kid…Anyhow, if you did try to pull anything you'd be dead within a second." She shrugs. "Motherly instincts and all that…"  
  
I can't help smiling at her. "I believe that." I take Connor and realise that there's nothing I can do that she hasn't already tried. He looks up at me, stopping crying for a second, and I can almost swear he just gave me a death stare. And then he's howling again.  
  
"Uh…shhh…" I start. "How 'bout a song? I can sing, y'know. And I can play the guitar. Bet you didn't know that." Cordy giggles. I look up at her. "Now, if only I could get that response from the kid…" She laughs again and Connor starts to calm down. I look down at him. "So…her laugh has that effect on you too, huh? Its soothing, isn't it?" She laughs again and his cries become softened hiccups. I look at her and ask, "You couldn't have done that before?"  
  
"Laughed? I should have, shouldn't I?" She chuckles again, and Connor starts to giggle himself.  
  
Great, now there's 3 of us in love with her. "Hey little guy." I coo at him. "I take it that I don't have to sing to you now? Well…it's a pity. I'm pretty damn good at it."  
  
Cordy laughs and takes him back. "I've heard him sing…and he really does know what he's doin'." She says to the baby. He only gurgles at her and snuggles against her chest.  
  
"That kid gets all the fun." I mumble in mock jealousy, then when she looks at me and smiles, I add (in mock surprise) "Oh…did I say that out loud?"  
  
She playfully punches me on the arm and we both laugh. This just feels so…perfect. I almost can't believe that it's real. And I almost can't believe that this is how my entire life is gonna be in only a few short months. Cordy, me and a baby…one big happy family. Wow.  
  
I just hope that everything goes according to plan, 'cos otherwise…*this*, what I'm experiencing right now, is never gonna happen to me. I shake that thought out of my head and smile warmly at Cordelia.  
  
She passes Connor back to me again. "Uh, can you hold him for a little bit…I gotta pee."  
  
"I don't think I needed to know that." I laugh back at her. She smiles and bounds off towards the closest downstairs bathroom.  
  
So…this is what my life is gonna be like. 'Please let everything work out okay.' I plead silently, to whatever Gods or Powers may be listening. 'Please…'  
  
*************************************  
  
A/N (2)- okay…now review time! PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU"RE THINKING! It doesn't take long AND It doesn't have to be much…just a simple good or bad answer with a tiny (itsy bitsy) bit of an explanation. Constructive Criticism *is* welcome. And remember to answer, what's the vote on bringing Kate into their little gathering? Yay or Nay????? 


	16. gonna get interesting -angel pov

A/N- Okay, I've got more reviews…yay! Thanks to those of you that have put your 2 cents worth in. And to those of you that haven't…PLEASE! It doesn't take long, and I like knowing what you guys r thinking… :) So, we've got a 50/50 thing going on with Kate… we'll see… at the moment I'm leaning towards leaving it with who I've got…. Oh, yeah, before I forget…when I said Cordy was 'nursing' Connor, all I meant was she was cradling him in her arms… just clearing that up. :) And that's about it…just enjoy reading and I'll bug you at the end to review… :)  
  
*********************************  
  
"There's one less demon in the world tonight." I mutter, walking back up the big stone steps, to the Hyperion. I wonder if Gunn, Wes, Fred and Lorne are back yet. I love spending time with Cordy, don't get me wrong, but Lindsey's there with her. I'm ashamed to admit that he makes me feel so out of place. Funny thing is, I don't even feel the hatred towards him anymore. Not even a tiny shred of it…okay, maybe I do have a *tiny* bit of hatred towards him, but its my jealousy…  
  
I guess I can still despise him for what he was…but that would be too hypocritical of me. Here I am, the vampire that *was* Angelus, and nobody seems to hold that against me…so I guess it would be unfair to hold Lindsey's past against him, right? Or should I? Because when I was controlled by Angelus, I didn't have a soul. Whereas Lindsey had a soul *and* he was evil. But then, I *did* try turning again…*while* I still had a soul…  
  
God, this is confusing. Would it be incredibly selfish of me to go back to the Oracles and request them to turn time back to the night that I gave Cordy off? You know, so she could spend it with me instead? (But not like that…I still have one 'happiness clause' to think of…but I've got this theory…oh, never mind…) It would be very selfish. But that doesn't mean I don't want to do it. In fact, that one selfish thought has flooded my brain for the best part of the day. Ever since Wesley mentioned the Oracles to begin with…  
  
By now I've walked into the lobby. On the couch, Cordy is curled up, her head on Lindsey's chest. They're both asleep. The baby monitor is positioned on the coffee table in front of them, telling me that Connor is asleep in his crib again. You know how I said that I only feel a little jealous for Lindsey…I lied. I feel *a lot* jealous at the moment. I've lost her and I know it. It hurts more than leaving Buffy ever did.  
  
That surprises me more than you can ever imagine. I mean, I thought Buffy was my soul mate and she thought that I was hers…but this; what I have going with Cordelia…I have no idea. It's perhaps the most shocking thing that I've ever had to deal with, and I'm *including* Connor. And remember, shocking isn't always bad…in these cases it's far from it. Except for the fact that there are people trying to *kill* my son and Cordy is happily involved, and planning her own family, with someone else…everything is just peachy. (And, oh god, I just used a Spike saying. Stake me now…)  
  
I sigh and turn to walk into my office. Cordy's voice stops me. "Angel…" She says sleepily.  
  
"Yeah?" I whisper back. I don't want to wake Lindsey if I can help it. This is *me* and Cordy time, and I want to savour every bit of it. (I thought that I was supposed to be getting over her…I don't sound like it, do I? But I *am* trying…)  
  
"What time is it?" She asks, rubbing her eyes.  
  
I glance down at my watch. "10 pm."  
  
"Oh…is that all? Wow…I can't believe how tired I was…musta' drifted right off after I tucked Connor in." She gently pulls out of Lindsey's arms, also avoiding waking him. She stands up and yawns, stretching her arms. "That's better. How did Mrs Johansson go?"  
  
"Good. It *was* the demon this time…so my plumbing skills were not called into action." I give her another one of my rare smiles. Although, between Connor and Cordy…I don't think they're quite as rare anymore…  
  
She chuckles and looks around. "Have you seen the rest of the gang yet? Or *any* of them…?" She asks.  
  
I shake my head. "I just got back. I was going to ask you the same thing. But I take it you haven't either."  
  
"Nope. They haven't come back yet. None of them." She looks around again, then back at me, slightly worried. "Do you think something's happened? Should we worry?"  
  
I hope not. "I don't think-"  
  
My sentence is cut short when Gunn bursts through the front doors. He looks all messed up. His clothes are torn and his face his covered in dirt and a few cuts. "Sorry I'm late guys," He says, panting. "Had a run in with a few vamps." He grins wickedly. "Then they ran into my stakes."  
  
Lindsey, who'd been jolted awake by Gunn's sudden entrance, is now standing by Cordy's left side. "How many were there?" He enquires.  
  
"3 or so…no big deal. I got the impression that they were new to the vamp underworld. Didn't even flinch when I said I had ties with the slayer…didn't even know what a slayer was…" He rambles on like that for a while. I think Lindsey's the only one paying attention, and I think he's only doing so to be polite.  
  
Cordy disappears into the office area and comes back with some first aid equipment. Gunn visibly tenses when he sees it. "Nah, girl…I'm cool. Don't need that stingy stuff…I didn't get messed up and…" But it's too late. She guides him towards the couch and pushes him down onto it.  
  
"Gunn, you've got all these little cuts and I'm not gonna stand to see them get infected. Eewww…" She gets out some cotton wool balls and the iodine. Once she's soaked a piece of cotton in the 'stingy stuff' (as Gunn calls it) she dabs at his wounds. He flinches and squirms. Cordelia laughs at him. "Don't be such a big baby."  
  
"I ain't no baby." He protests. "I'm just sensitive to that…that stuff." I stifle a chuckle and he glares at me. "C'mon. I've seen you around this stuff too. You're just as bad. Admit it!"  
  
Cordy laughs again. "He's got a point. You get all babyish too. What is it with men? You can go out there and get all these cuts and stuff, but you can't stand a tiny bit of stinging? Oh, brother…"  
  
"That's men for you." Another voice responds. A very familiar voice. I spin to face the doorway again.  
  
Only one word can escape my lips. "Buffy."  
  
"Angel." She replies coolly. The air tenses up around us, but not in the same way as it used to. It used to be because of our past, our desire and longing for each other. But this time it's all her. She's uncomfortable around me, upset and even a bit pissed off. The feelings surround us. I don't blame her, though. I kinda' had it coming.  
  
"Uh…thanks for coming." I manage, after what seems like hours.  
  
"No problem. Giles couldn't make it. He had to mind Dawn." She replies. I open my mouth to say that I don't mind having Dawn around, but I bite my tongue. She's probably got school and then there's the fact that her life would be in danger if Buffy brought her along…  
  
"That's a pity. How are they? Dawn and Giles, I mean."  
  
"Fine. They send their congratulations…to all of you." She looks over at Cordy for the first time, as if only just noticing her presence. Then she eyes Lindsey, giving him the once over.  
  
"Thanks." I reply, bringing her attention back towards me. "So…where are the others?"  
  
"Oh, they're all outside. Getting their bags and stuff." She says.  
  
I move towards the door. "I'll help them." Then, as I'm walking out, I add: "Cordy, can you introduce Lindsey and Gunn to Buffy, please?" It's more a statement than a question.  
  
Down on the footpath, the other Scoobies are unpacking bags from two cars. Spike and Tara (who I've only heard of and not really met) are getting things out of Buffy's jeep. While Xander, Anya and Wil…SPIKE?  
  
Buffy brought Spike? In her car? This is a joke. Its gotta be. What have I missed? I knew about the chip, but…Buffy brought Spike? This I gotta hear.  
  
"Hey guys," I say, hopping down the steps, "How was your trip?"  
  
Xander glares at me in contempt. He's a faithful Buffy sidekick through and through. "Hey dead boy."  
  
Anya nudges him. "I thought you were supposed to not call him that because he doesn't like it…oh. I see. You're trying to pick on him."  
  
He grimaces. And sighs. "Way to go with the subtlety, Ann."  
  
I turn my direction towards Willow. She walks over and awkwardly hugs me. "Hey."  
  
"Hi. How have you been?"  
  
"Good, I guess. Feeling a little guilty over the taking Buffy outta heaven thing…but-"  
  
I squeeze her tenderly. I know the pain she feels. "Its okay."  
  
Surprisingly, she squeezes me back, whispering, "I know. Thanks, Angel." She pulls away and smiles. "Oh, by the way…congratulations…you know…on your baby…wow…a baby…is he cute? Oh, stupid question…of course he's cute…I mean, all babies are…I mean, not that he won't be cute when he grows up…but I don't think you're cute…I mean, you are but I don't…oh, screw it. You know what I mean."  
  
I laugh. She hasn't changed that much since she was in high school. The others have, though. But Willow's…well, Willow's Willow. She's a jittery, cheerful, bubbly, academically gifted witch. And that's why everyone loves her. "Thanks. I know what you're trying to say. And, yes, Connor is adorable. But, maybe I'm just being bias…"  
  
Spike calls over, still pulling bags out from Buffy's jeep. "Oi…Peaches! Ditto on the congratulations thing. Still can't believe it me-self…"  
  
I make my way towards him. "Thanks." How many times can I say that word tonight? "Need help?"  
  
"Nah, I got it." He responds, grabbing the last of the bags. "I may be chipped, but I still got me Vampire strength."  
  
I nod and turn back to Xander. "What about you? Want some help with those bags?"  
  
"That'd be good actually." He answers, his tone still icy. Oh, boy…this is gonna be the longest few days of my existence.  
  
Willow chirps up again. "Oh, Angel…Have you met Tara?"  
  
"No, I haven't had the pleasure." The other witch blushes. I extend my hand. "You know who I am, I'm sure."  
  
She takes it and we shake hands. "Its n-nice t-to finally m-meet you." She stutters, tucking a loose strand of hair away, nervously.  
  
"I can say the same thing." I can hear Xander cough something nasty under his breath. I didn't quite catch it, though…or I chose not to. Either way, I don't know, nor do I care what he said.  
  
Taking the bags from his car, I follow everyone else inside. This should get interesting.  
  
  
  
*************************************  
  
A/N (2)- well, you know the drill…you gotta review now. It doesn't take long. I know I said I'd wait before I posted another fic, but don't worry, this is still my first priority…sooo yeah. Plus, nobody seems to be reading the other 1 :(  
  
If you've got time, I ask that you check it out. Please. Review that one too. Its *really* AU, but oh well…I just needed to get it out of my head.  
  
Remember though, if I don't get reviews (and I don't mean just one or two) I'm gonna start thinking that nobody wants to read my fics and I'll just stop altogether…yes I like to blackmail when it comes to reviews…I'm plain evil and I know it. :) Thanks. Review time now. :) 


	17. a lot to think on -buffy pov

A/N- Okay...thanks for even more of your wonderful feedback.(Even that cryptic 1 from someone that I can't pick...but seems to know me...) Sorry its taking so long, but I've had so much homework and assignments and part-time job work that I haven't had the chance to catch up on my fics...But here I go...please give me your opinion...PLEASE.  
  
****************************  
  
Angel follows the rest of the Scoobies back in. Xander is rolling his eyes and clearly not liking the situation. Anya spies Cordy and runs over to embrace her in a large hug...showering her with congratulations. Willow does the same. Tara stands by my side and watches as Xander reluctantly greets Cordelia and follows in his fiancé and best friend's footsteps. Spike joins in by calling out "Annoying Cheerleader!" and somehow also congratulating her. That's when Angel decides to introduce everyone properly. Half way through his introductions Wesley and a brunette waltz into the lobby. Angel introduces everyone to Fred (Ah! So that's Fred...I've only ever heard of her...) and Wesley greets us as well.  
  
I can't stand all these pleasantries. We're here to do business. That's it. I want to suggest that we start plotting against the law firm, but I hold my tongue.  
  
Cordelia yawns and suddenly Angel springs into motion, gathering a collection of keys and handing them out. "You guys must be exhausted." He explains. "We'll sort everything out tomorrow. For now...get rest. Cordy, that means you too."  
  
She nods and obediently heads towards the elevator. Lindsey, Fred, Tara, Anya and Xander follow. Gunn and Wesley make their exits, stating that they'll return in the morning. Spike glances down at the key in his hand. I guess he thought he'd be staying with me. He opens his mouth to say something, but I nudge him, urging him to stop.  
  
"Well...I'm gonna scoot as well." Willow tells us. "'Night."  
  
"Goodnight." The 2 vampires and I reply in unison.  
  
Spike decides that he's gonna head to his room as well, right before Will enters the elevator. "Red!" He calls after her. "Hold the lift! I'm coming!"  
  
"Yeah..." I yawn. "Me too." I move to follow and Angel takes my arm. I turn to face him, raising my eyebrows.  
  
"Buffy...Thanks for doing this..." He whispers. I start to tell him its fine and he's welcome, but he stops me. "Look, I know how weird this all must be to you and if I were in your position I'd hate me. I know you're not in love with me anymore, but there's still that little part of you that I know I've betrayed...and I'm so sorry. I don't need your forgiveness...but I'd like to try and earn it and I really need you to know that I appreciate everything you're doing here for us. I...I wish I could have told you everything in a non-over the phone way. But this is how its happened. I'll respect your decision to hate me...but know that I'm truly grateful for what you're doing."  
  
I wait a second before saying anything, making sure that he's finished. This is the most vulnerable I've ever seen Angel...and I'm including the time he tried to kill himself when that big first evil thing was torturing him. "Angel...you're right. I did want to hate you, but I couldn't...I can't. No, I'm not in love with you anymore, but I still love you...and knowing that you and Darla could share something that we never can upsets me more than you'll ever know...But I'm just as bad, Angel. I've got all sorts of stuff going on in my life that would hurt you...so I'm no better...Yes, coming here tonight hurts me...How could it not?...But, if it means that you and your son will be safe...I can think of nothing else I'd rather be doing..." I trail off. "Do you understand?"  
  
He nods. "I've hurt you...broken so many promises to you..."  
  
"I've done the same to you."  
  
"How?"  
  
I sigh. "Angel, Now is not the time. I'm tired and my emotions are running raw. Another time, okay?"  
  
He nods and helps me with my bags. Everyone else has already taken theirs. Spike and Willow are waiting patiently in the elevator, holding the doors open. We step in and he punches in the relevant buttons. When we get to the first floor, Angel steps out. Willow follows.  
  
"See you in the morning." She chirps at me. Angel waves Spike and I off.  
  
"Yeah...see you then." I reply.  
  
"'Night Red. Nancy boy." Spike seconds. Before Angel can respond, the doors have closed on us. Spike grins at me, a mischievous glint in his eye.  
  
"No." I tell him, trying to remain serious. As much as I hate to say it, I'm warming to him. He's not just my sex toy anymore. That's scaring me to no end. I mean...I understood why I fell for Angel. Riley was an obvious choice too...in the beginning. Even Parker was nice to start with...But Spike? Am I going insane? Is this just my subconscious trying to get back at Angel? Or is what I'm starting to feel real? Am I really growing attached to him?  
  
"But Pet..." He whines playfully. "We've got an entire floor to ourselves..."  
  
"No. Anyway, How do you know that?"  
  
"'Cos all of the other Scoobies are down stairs...they filled up the last of those rooms. We got the 2 on this floor."  
  
"Spike..."  
  
"Look, I'll put all my stuff in my allocated room and you can sort out yours in your room and then we'll go knockin' on all the doors in the hall `til I prove that I'm right an' there's no body else on this floor." He grins. "Got it?"  
  
"Spike...I am genuinely tired. Maybe tomo-" I can't finish my sentence because his tongue is currently roaming my mouth. I sink into the kiss.  
  
He pulls away gently, teasing me with that kiss. "Alright then, love. `night." He turns to walk into his room.  
  
A smile spreads across my face. "Damn it Spike..." He grins. "You can keep me company but no s-" Once again, he's stopping my speech with his tongue. He pulls away again, the glint in his eye not fading.  
  
"You were saying?" He asks.  
  
"Shut up." I instruct. This time its me that enters into the kiss. I guide him into my room. Closing the door behind us, still not unlocking our lips. I force him onto the bed and begin unbuttoning his shirt. Then I stop. "This is wrong." I tell him.  
  
"What?" He asks in disbelief. "Yeah...I'll tell you what's wrong. Getting' a guy all excited and then leavin' it at the last second is what's wrong. I mean...well...you can probably tell what I mean." He's right, I can, but I'm trying to ignore it.  
  
"No, Spike. Angel doesn't know about us and it'd hurt him more than anything...especially doing it in *his* place. And, I know, he's hurt me and stuff...but the others don't even know about us...I don't even know what *us* is...We need to *talk*, Spike. I know that I couldn't do it while we were in Sunnydale...but we *need* to..."  
  
"Pet, its okay...I'll talk, see...listen to me talkin'...blah blah soddin' blah..." He takes a breath, one which he doesn't need, but it makes the conversation somewhat easier to follow. "Love, what are you doin'? With me...don't get me wrong...we've been through this...I don't mind bein' used as you're sex toy...But how do you see *us*? Where do you want this to go?"  
  
"I don't know...I wish I did. I wish it were as easy as when we first started this...but I can't...I mean, I'm starting to feel certain ways about you...And that's just strange...I don't want to hurt you and I don't want to get hurt...Spike I'm confused..." There I said it, or at least a lot of it...  
  
"Pet, I'm willing to see whether an *us* would work...I've got eternity...plus if you and the poof had a chance...look, I'm bein' selfish but I'm all for gettin' hurt if it means a chance with you...not just sex...but emotions...Slayer...I mean, Buffy..." He says my name so tenderly, all the emotions clear and present in his voice, making him so very vulnerable. "Buffy, the last time I told you this...you broke my heart, but I'm gonna say it again. I Love You. I love being with you." He smirks. "What can I say? I'm Love's Bitch."  
  
I burst into tears.  
  
"No. That's not the exact response I was lookin' for either..." Spike adds, holding me in his arms.  
  
I bring my lips back up to his and kiss him. It's not full of lust or desire, but its soft and meaningful. "You realise nobody's gonna like this." I tell him.  
  
"Oh well...that's their problem." He replies, replicating the kiss again.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I wake up lying next to Spike, my arms hugging his chest and my head resting on his shoulder. He has his arms around me. I feel comfortable like this. We're both still completely clothed. We stayed up last night just talking about everything. I'm starting to feel normal again...whatever normal is.  
  
He plants a soft kiss on my forehead. "You're awake."  
  
I sigh contentedly and snuggle back into his chest, murmuring a hearty "Good Morning."  
  
Then a few seconds later I flick my eyes back open. Gotta go meet everyone for breakfast. Gotta go tell them all about Spike and I. Gotta go...well...plot the demise of a very evil lawfirm. I gotta go do a lot of things today.  
  
I wonder how they're all going to react. I wonder how they're all going to get along. I wonder if I'll survive this week.  
  
I get out of bed and start getting changed. I can't let them see me in the same thing that I wore yesterday. I'm worrying a lot today too. Yep. Today's gonna be a very busy day.  
  
*************************  
  
A/N(2) - okay...please review. Imagine me on my hands and knees grovelling for your thoughts...okay. Pathetic, huh? Now imagine me smiling happily while I write out the next chapter...better isn't it? Well...it's your choice. If I don't get the feedback, I won't write it. You guys know that. :) 


	18. talk...is that all we do -cordy pov

A/N- Where did all my reviewers go? I'm not one to make idle threats...if you stop giving me feedback I'm gonna start thinking that you don't want me to write anymore... That goes for anything I write now or in the future... You've really gotta tell me what you're thinkin' ppl... :) Meanwhile, for those of you who *have* given me their feedback, I'm truly grateful. Please, everyone, enjoy my fic...or at least read it...then REVIEW... ^_^  
  
******************************  
  
And here comes the vampire slayer. We've all been seated around the lobby, in various places and positions, waiting patiently (okay, some of us not so patiently) for her to grace us with her presence. We really need to start getting our strategies together, but it was virtually impossible to do without two of their best fighters.  
  
Yep, that's right, Spike hasn't come down stairs yet either. Of course, putting that to the fact that he's a vampire, a creature of the *night*, its understandable that he's not a morning person.  
  
Angel used to be the same...but that was before Connor. Now he's up bright and early so he doesn't miss a second of his son's life. I hope...no... I *know* Lindsey's gonna be just as great a dad. It's obvious. Unless I'm misinterpreting his actions and stuff...no...he loves me and he wants this baby as much as I do. I know it.  
  
Buffy smiles at everyone. "Good morning." She chirps in an over-the-top cheery manner. "Have you already had breakfast?"  
  
We all nod. Fred motions towards the kitchen door. "Just help yourself. I think we've got some cereal and toast and stuff."  
  
"But if you like milk in your coffee..." Angel adds, walking out of the kitchen cradling Connor, "...Don't expect any `cos *this* little one just drained the last of it." He nuzzles his head towards the baby, who giggles happily. "Yes he did. Yes he did." Angel coos in a singsong kinda voice, you know...the type that most people use on babies...  
  
I watch the various Scooby reactions. It's amusing to see Angel like this, talking baby talk, but everyone here in LA is used to it. The Scoobies, however, are a different story.  
  
Xander's jaw slackens and he's at a loss for words (which is a new thing for Xander...). Willow smiles brightly, already used to the idea like the fang gang are. Tara doesn't know Angel like the rest of them, so she doesn't find it strange in the least. Anya seems to be looking from the baby, to Angel, then at Xander, back to the baby and then Xander again...her eyes gleaming with the look of a child that's just spied a new novelty or toy. But Buffy stands still, almost in shock. Her mouth opening and closing like a goldfish. I look around at anyone else that might be finding her reaction as funny as I do...Nope. No such luck.  
  
Angel stops, suddenly aware of the silence in the room and all eyes on him. "What?" He looks over his shoulders and even turns in a full circle. "What are you all looking at?" He repeats. Then, at the look on Buffy's face, it dawns on him. "Oh...I see. Me doing the baby-talk thing..." He chuckles, looking at Gunn and I. "I've been told it's a...uh... *new* look..."  
  
"But..." I chime in, "...You get used to it. Its actually kinda cute."  
  
Lindsey prods me playfully. "Ahem?"  
  
"I mean...never mind." I grin sheepishly and kiss him. He seems content with my response `cos he wraps his arms around my soon-to-expand waist and draws me back into his lap. I snuggle against his chest happily.  
  
By now Spike has made his entrance and spied Connor in Angel's arms. "Ah...so *that's* the new little `bit. He moves forwards towards Angel, extending his arms slightly. "Can I hold `im?"  
  
Angel draws back protectively. Spike smiles. "Aww...c'mon...he's like...my uncle or somethin'...we're family...Please? I can't hurt him. Not that I'd even want to...Please?"  
  
Angel shoots me a nervous glance. In a way, I'm Connor's mother figure. In Angel's eyes, I guess I might as well be the baby's mom. I love him just as much as if he was my own, and that's not gonna change. Not ever.  
  
I nod with a smile. Angel's still uncertain, but he gives up and gives his son to the other vampire. Spike is enchanted by the tiny bundle, cooing and pulling faces for him. The baby giggles and gurgles at his new found friend. Angel looms protectively over the two of them, making sure that nothing bad can happen.  
  
I let out a snort of laughter, at which Angel snaps his attention towards me. "I'm sorry," I giggle at him, "But you should see the look on your face...its so funny. You know as well as I do that Spike's not gonna do anything...Let go of the over-protective bug..."  
  
He smirks. "Wait `till you have your kid..."  
  
"Angel, Connor is like having my own...I love him the same way as I'm gonna love my baby...but right now, he's safe. Hence the me *not* worrying..." I smile, lightening the mood again, "But, seeing how efficient you are with the over-protection thing...I think I've found a babysitter for the future..."  
  
His eyes widen. "Oh no you don't. Looking after the one is enough. Plus, on what Wesley pays, you couldn't afford me..."  
  
"Hey!" The ex-watcher/ex-rogue demon hunter, butts in. "Leave me out of it. And for your information, what *I* pay is better than what you..." He's addressing Angel, "...ever did."  
  
"Its less." Angel pouts lightheartedly.  
  
We laugh, and I realise that everyone else has started chattering away again. It's actually nice to see everyone getting along as well as they are. Even better that nobody is trying to rip each others throats out...  
  
Buffy is even starting to talk to Angel. "He...he's adorable." She manages. I tune out of their discussion `cos somewhere along the lines I've learnt to not eves-drop. Not on personal conversations anyway. A good gossip session is sooo different.  
  
Instead I flick my attention towards Anya and Lorne, who seem to be gossiping about demons that they both used to know. That's boring to me `cos I don't know who they're gossiping about. Next is a conversation between Willow, Fred, Tara and Wesley, which I can't follow either `cos its about brainiac kinda stuff.  
  
And then there's Gunn, Xander, Spike and Lindsey. Fighting and babies are their choice topics. Two which I don't think should be affiliated with each other under any circumstance. And I'm back to the Wesley speak...  
  
"He's a little angel, isn't he?" I ask Spike. "...pun intended."  
  
The peroxided vamp laughs and seats himself down on the couch, next to Lindsey and I. "Yeah, that he is." He looks Connor over, while he tickles his toes. "Looks just like Peaches, too."  
  
Gunn breaks into a huge grin. "Peaches, huh?"  
  
"Spike has nicknames for everyone." Xander informs him, eyeing Spike wearily. "Some of which he has been told *not* to use on certain construction workers...namely me."  
  
"Glorified bricklayer." Spike mumbles, then looks back down at the baby in his arms. "You're gonna be the new l'il `bit. `Kay?" Connor gurgles his acceptance and snuggles up against Spike, falling asleep.  
  
"What other names have ya got for people?" Gunn queries, clearly interested now. He loves a good laugh every now and then.  
  
"Let me think..." Spike says. "...Well, Peaches, I mean, *Angel* is also known as nancy boy, the poofter, poof...ummm..."  
  
"Dead boy." Xander reminds him.  
  
Gunn bursts into laughter. "I gotta remember some of them...what about the others?"  
  
"Well...there's Slayer. There's an obvious one for you. Uh, and Red...that's Will. And Nibblet; she's the slayer's little sis... The glorified bricklayer here...Rupert, The Librarian or Ripper...Giles hates bein' called those by me... Our annoying cheerleader friend, who isn't quite so annoying, or even a cheerleader anymore...so I'll need a new one for you," Spike says, looking at me. "Demon girl, the glorified bri...I mean, Xander's fiancé...And witch number 2; Red's girlfriend. I think that's about it."  
  
Gunn has tears of laughter streaming down his face. Lindsey looks amused as well. "Now you gotta make up some new ones for Fred, Gunn, Lindsey, Lorne, Wes and me..." I state, also chuckling at Spike.  
  
"Okay...lets see. Well, Lorne's easy; `Green'. That one's obvious. Not, not because he's green, but also because `Lorne Green' sounds" He pauses at the blank looks on some of our faces "...let me guess...you guys didn't ever watch Bonanza..." I shake my head, as do Gunn and Xander.  
  
"I get it." Lindsey smirks.  
  
"Good. At least someone does...umm...well, you can be known as `evil-lawyer'" He stops when Lindsey shakes his head. "No?"  
  
"Hey!" Xander complains. "How come he gets a choice?"  
  
"'Cos I happen to like the guy...whereas *you* still keep tryin' to stake me. When I like you, I might give you a choice. Now...what *can* I call you...?" He asks himself, turning back to face Lindsey.  
  
"Lindsey's fine." He tells the vampire.  
  
"Nonsense. You need a nickname. How `bout..." Connor stirs in his arms. He looks down at the baby, then at Lindsey and then at Lindsey's arms around my waist. He smiles softly. "Lucky?"  
  
Whoa...hold on a sec. Back up even. Was Spike just being...sincere and friendly and...*sad*? Did he just look longingly at what Lindsey and I have and are gonna share?  
  
Then again, Spike's always been different. Even without a soul, he's had the uncanny ability to love...But what...I mean, *who* can he be in love with now? What does he feel he's missing?  
  
"Yeah..." Lindsey says, oblivious to the stuff that I'm picking up on. "I think I am...I like that. If you're going to call me anything to my face, it might as well be that."  
  
Spike grins and looks at Gunn. "You?...hmmm...what can I call you? What's your name?"  
  
"Gunn. Charles Gunn."  
  
Spike is concentrating now. "Charlie? Prince Charles? Gunpowder? I'm gonna have to get back to you...I can't seem to think of one just yet."  
  
"Its cool. Make sure ya tell me when you've thought of somethin'. I'm gettin' a real kick outta this." He pauses, "Well, what about English?"  
  
"Who?"  
  
"Wes...ex-watcher. Talks all, well...Englishmanish..." Gunn prods.  
  
"I think English works well enough...for the time bein'. What about that one there? The quiet one. Fred? That's her name, isn't it? Do you think she'd like `Flintstone'? Yeah? If not, I'll come up with somethin' later....Who else is there?" He looks at me. "Ah, the charming annoying cheerleader...oops, just contradicted myself...ummm..." He looks me up and down.  
  
"She was the queen...or princess...or whatever of Pylea. The place we saved Fred from." Gunn says offhandedly.  
  
"That's it then. You're `Princess' now." Spike concludes. "Good?"  
  
I nod vigorously. "I like the sound of that."  
  
After a while, everyone gathers in a large group. Somehow, without having to bring up the subject, we've all decided to get to work on the crisis at hand. Angel gets his son back, so he's happy...And Buffy seems to be little miss cheerful again. She takes a seat next to Spike and we get straight into it.  
  
The best part of this is that everyone has a different skill to lend and after years of Scooby training (or, in Lindsey's case, board meetings at an evil law firm), we all get through these `briefings' without falter.  
  
Lindsey and Angel take the lead and spell the plan out to the Scoobies. Everyone gets it first time through, which is great. Next, they start to allocate jobs and all the usual `briefing' kinda stuff. From there, they go into deeper detail and soon we're pretty much all set for stage one of `Operation Kaboom'.  
  
Remind me to never let Gunn and Xander think up the name for our plans again...Oh well, at least they didn't get to use their first choice; `Little Red Riding Hood and The Big Bad Wolfram & Hart'. I'm still shaking my head in amusement. I think it was a bad idea to let those two mix...actually I *know* it was a bad idea.  
  
"Okay, so...you know what we're doing. You've got your jobs. Get cracking." Angel instructs. "Cordy," He walks over and crouches in front of me. Tentatively he takes my hand. "We...meaning you and I...need to talk."  
  
*******************************  
  
A/N (yet again)- I sit back down at the computer, my hands poised over the keyboard. Staring at the monitor I think, `Hey! Why isn't anyone reviewing yet?' ^_^ Come on guys...you heard...or read...or whatevered Angel in the fic. You know what to do. Now GET CRACKING !!!! Also, please don't forget to read my other fic and review it. You know you want to... ^_^... Thanx 


	19. he did WHAT -lindsey pov

A/N- Yeah, I know...the last one was a little, okay, A LOT fluffy, but it was to get all the characters inter-relating... I'm getting back to the C/L/A dynamic now. I promise. *sigh* I'm a little down `cos its almost like all my reviewers are slacking off (see, I got addicted to getting reviews and now I'm not getting as many as before and it feels like you're not reading)...besides a few of you (who should know who you are) whom I am truly grateful for...  
  
I mean it guys, I (like a certain ex-watcher with an inferiority complex) start to have less faith in my fic if it looks like you're over it. Don't underestimate the slacking-off ability of an over-worked 12^th grader... if you guys don't want it anymore, I'll gladly throw in the towel and put my extra time to my calculus homework...and its *not* an idle threat. I HATE MATH, but I'll do it if you're not depending on my continuing the story... With that said, *please tell me what you think*. I really like getting reviews...and constructive criticism is gladly accepted. Really. Also, I don't care if you've already reviewed...each chapter is different and therefore needs the attention... thanks.  
  
********************************  
  
Angel just took Cordelia away to talk to her. In private. Why does that still bug me? I mean, I've been over this with him. He loves her and I accept that. I don't like it, but I'll accept it.  
  
I watched them walk into his office a couple of minutes ago. I hate to admit it, but all I could think of was what he might be saying...or even doing to her right now... Pathetic, much? I'm the jealous boyfriend. I get that now. And you *can't* sit there and tell me that everything is gonna be fine or that Angel isn't going to act on his feelings. I'm not an idiot.  
  
I may be a lot of things, but stupid is not one of them. Well, it never used to be. Not for the old Lindsey...but I'm afraid that this *new* me, the one that has fallen in love with Cordelia Chase, might not be quite as sharp in the brain department when it comes to matters of the heart. Hell, the old Lindsey never even had a heart...metaphorically speaking.  
  
They still haven't come back out yet. Should I be worried? No. Cordelia (as far as I know) loves me. There's no chance she'd drop everything we can share for Angel... right? Oh god I hope I'm right.  
  
"So...you and Cordelia are having a kid, huh?" A voice asks behind me. I'm shaken out of my paranoid thoughts.  
  
"Yeah..." I start slowly, turning to face the petite blonde vampire slayer. "Well, that's what she told me..."  
  
She smiles awkwardly. "Wow...Cordy would have to be the *last* person that I'd see as being a mom...but it looks like she's changed...A *LOT*..."  
  
"I guess we all change at one point or another...I mean, look at me. I used to work for Wolfram and Hart. I used to be one of their cruellest and most ruthless...and, well, look at me now. I'm helping out their mortal enemy and falling in love with their mortal enemy's colleague...not to mention trying to destroy *them*..." I just let that all rush out. I'm sharing my most personal information to a complete stranger...and somehow, I feel better.  
  
Her smile eases a little. "Its confusing isn't it? You're one thing your entire life and then *BOOM*...it's like, for one reason or another, you've gotta start all over again at being something completely different. Sometimes for a good reason, other times for barely any reason at all...but it's like you see everything in a new light and because its not familiar anymore you almost feel lost. Then the person you'd least expect to connect with falls right into your arms and you realize that you really have been going at everything the wrong way, but you don't know how to handle anything anymore and the world is collapsing around you..." She drops onto the couch. She'd run the last bit together almost without taking a breath, and blushes a little. "Listen to me rambling. It must be really boring, huh?"  
  
I sit down next to her. "No. I know *exactly* where you're coming from." I let a few seconds of comfortable silence pass between us. "So, where do we go from here? I mean, with our lives...Do we just sit back and hope it makes sense one day? Or, do we try to take control before everything spirals into an even bigger mass of confusion?"  
  
"I don't know." She tells me. "I really don't know..."  
  
After a few more minutes of silence, Angel and Cordelia walk out of the entryway to the offices. I notice that her face is streaked with the tears she's obviously shed. I stand up and walk over to her, pulling her into my arms, all the while glaring at Angel over her shoulder. Whatever he's said to make her cry, he's gonna pay for it.  
  
Cordy pulls my face to hers, making our eyes meet. "Lindsey..." She shakily begins. "Can we talk?"  
  
"Certainly." I reply. She turns and walks toward the courtyard. I follow obediently. She takes a seat on the stone bench, and I do the same. I don't say anything. I figure that if she wants to tell me what's going on, she'll be the one to begin.  
  
"A-Angel told me t-that he loved me." She finally manages. I already knew this, so I don't say anything. She continues. "H-he said that he realized that he was *in* love with me after it was too late." Once again, I wait for her to keep going. "S-so I was kinda taken by surprise... I mean, *Angel* in love with *me*? It had to be a joke, right? But after a while, I knew he was being serious...Then he kissed me." I feel my blood start to boil. Cordelia takes my hand and I only just manage to resist the urge of wrenching it away. She looks into my eyes, searching for my reaction. I just frown. "B-But...it was a `I'm-letting-go-of-you' kinda kiss. The `goodbye and farewell' kind. He said that he doesn't want things to change between us and he just wants me to be happy...but I can see how hurt he is."  
  
"That's not our problem." I snap, finally. Jumping up from the seat, I throw my hands around wildly, emphasizing my frustration. "I knew he had feelings for you Cordy, but I never thought he'd go so far as to KISS you! Not while you were still with me! How can he even dare to put you through that sort of emotional blackmail?! If anyone should be hurting it's you and I at the moment!" With that burst of anger out of my system, I start to calm down. "He kissed you..." I repeat, still in disbelief.  
  
"Lindsey," She responds firmly. "I told him that he shouldn't have kissed me, especially if he wanted to keep our friendship the way it was before, but at the same time he had to. It...I don't know...gave him closure? He just gave me away to you...a very noble and romantic gesture...don't you get it?"  
  
"He crossed a boundary." I argue. "I know I'm being hard to deal with but *I'm* the jealous boyfriend... and that...that bloodsucking *fiend* has just kissed *my* girlfriend! I think I'm allowed to be a little hurt. I'm surprised he didn't tell you that you should leave me and live a wonderful and happy life with him." At the slightly guilty look she gives me, my eyes widen. "He *did*, didn't he?"  
  
"Not in those exact words, but the choice was given..."  
  
"Great. Just great." I plonk back down onto the seat beside her, emotionally exhausted.  
  
She places her hand back onto mine again. "I told him that he could shove his wonderful and happy life `cos I'm content with what I got."  
  
"Really?"  
  
She nods. "Plus, I want *our* baby to have the best possible life with its dad. Hell, *I* want to have the best possible life with its dad." She squeezes my hand. "So, you forgive me?"  
  
"I have no reason to." She looks a bit, well, heartbroken...so I have to add the rest of my thinking. "Its not you that I'm upset with. Angel on the other hand-"  
  
"Put yourself in his shoes. What would you have done?"  
  
I'm silent. I can only think of telling her a lie: That I would respect the other man. Truthfully, I'd think `Screw the other man'. After what seems like hours I whisper, "I hate it when you're right."  
  
She laughs and kisses me. "I'm always right."  
  
I stand up and offer her my hand. "Come on, we've got a law-firm to dispose of."  
  
********************************  
  
A/N(2)- Well...remember what I said before. I can either do the extra calculus homework (BLECK) or I can write some more of this fic. It's your call.  
  
PS- I am *really* thankful to those of u that *have* reviewed. Please don't stop at the one review... every chapter has its own personality (so to speak)... please tell me what you think... 


	20. flashback -angel pov

A/N- okay…so maybe I got carried away in the last chapter…but I got my point across, right? Hang on…I *did* warn you that it was seriously AU, didn't I? Please stick with me here…I know the coupling isn't what u all want…and the characterization in the last chapter left a bit (okay, okay…A *lot*) to be desired, but the story itself isn't *that* bad is it? Well…this 1's Angel POV…so, what am I gonna do? Read and find out. Also, I *really* need the feedback. I'm having review withdrawal symptoms…^_^  
  
PS- "*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*" Is just to show a past event…like when Angel's remembering…say…his conversation with Cordy. It has already happened, you're just seeing it the way he did.  
  
PPS- "*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*" is still used when a scene in the present is changed…or we've gone ahead in time a bit…you guys know what I mean.  
  
********************************  
  
And then there was brooding. Ranting and raving on the inside, while on the outside looking…well… broody.  
  
I just *had* to go and tell Cordy everything. I just *had* to tell her I loved her when I subconsciously *knew* she'd turn me down. I just *had* to go screw our friendship up completely. And then, to make matters worse, I just *had* to go and *kiss* her.  
  
Why couldn't I have just let it be? Why couldn't I have done what I do all the other times and keep my feelings to myself? Why couldn't I have just waited for things between her and Lindsey to cool off?  
  
I'll tell you why. Because I'm a sucker for punishment, that's *why*. Its almost as if I thrive on having my lifeless heart broken into a million pieces. But…Newsflash! I *don't*! But those damn feelings for Cordy just wouldn't go away…so I told her. Got it off my chest like she keeps insisting I should each time I brood.  
  
So, I *tried* to share my feelings with her instead of keeping them bottled up inside. Did it help, like she told me it would? No. In fact, it made everything seem a billion times worse. What the hell have I done? The scene keeps replaying in my head, getting worse each time over.  
  
*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*  
  
"We need to talk." I tell her, gluing my eyes to hers.  
  
"Okay…" She responds slowly, getting up from her seat. We walk into my office. She leans on the corner of my desk. "Shoot."  
  
I close the door behind me, turn to face her and start to pace nervously. I *never* pace. See what she's got me resorting to? "Cordy…I…I think…You're with Lindsey and I know that you've got a lot of stuff going on at the moment but…I…" I take a breath that I know I don't need. "I love you." I spit it out quickly and quietly. Maybe she didn't hear me. Maybe all I needed to do is get it out in the open, regardless of whether she heard me or not.  
  
"I love you too Angel." She replies. "And, your point is…?"  
  
I shake my head sadly. "No Cordy…I'm *in* love with you."  
  
She looks at me blankly. "Angel…all joking aside-"  
  
"*Not* joking, Cordelia. I have been in love with you for soo long, but… by the time that I realised it…you were planning a long and happy life with Lindsey. God, if I hadn't given you that night off…Somewhere deep down inside I know that you're really happy with him. I do. But I can't help wanting you to be with *me*. He was *evil*, Cordy. And he *had* a soul at the time. Sure, he can offer you a lot of the things I can't but-"  
  
"Angel…" She says, cutting me short. I don't know how to read her tone at the moment. She's somewhere between shocked, slightly sad, sympathetic, disgusted and angry. "…You're my family. I love you as my brother-"  
  
I know this spiel. I'm 247 years old. I'm not some idiotic 12-year-old prepubescent child… "Cordelia. Save it. I know where this is going."  
  
She snaps at me. "What the *hell* do you expect? I'm finally getting a chance to have the life I've always dreamed of…okay, so in my dreams I never got painful visions and I didn't work for a vampire with a soul, fighting demons… but I'm with a human man that I love and that loves me back. One that can commit himself to me *both* emotionally *and* physically…" Ouch. I didn't deserve that. "…One that I'm having a baby with. And you just drop the fact that you finally came around and fell in love with me in my lap? I'm sorry Angel but you and I…we're family. Nothing more and nothing less."  
  
"I know…" I whisper. A single tear rolls down my cheek "I…I just had to tell you. If I left it…I had to take a chance…" I advance on her and gently cup her head in my hands. I take my lips to hers and kiss her softly. I'm letting go of her and she knows it. She knows that I'm saying goodbye. She knows that I'm giving her away to my enemy. She knows that this is a kiss to tell her I'm always going to love her one way or another, but I know we'll never be together. And she knows that I accept that.  
  
I pull out of the kiss just as softly and slowly as I drifted into it, taking my hands from her face. Silent tears slide down her beautiful face as she looks into my eyes. "You shouldn't have done that…" I nod and pull away from her completely, making my way back towards the door. "…But I'm glad you did."  
  
With my back to her, I smile sadly. "Cordelia…are we okay…as friends…and as family?"  
  
I hear her sigh lightly. "We've got a few things to work on…But we'll be okay…"  
  
*@*@*@*@*@*@*@*  
  
We'll *be* okay. Which means we're not at the moment. And it's my fault. If I had just kept it all to myself everything would be normal.  
  
"You know it wouldn't." A familiar voice startles me.  
  
"Lorne…Haven't I told you to stay *out* of my thoughts when I'm brooding." I growl, slightly embarrassed at being caught off guard like that.  
  
He places his hand on my shoulder supportively. "Angelpie…I *had* to. You weren't exactly going to *tell* me what happened in there before, so I decided to find out for myself. Useful little talent I have isn't it?"  
  
"There are some inner ramblings which are supposed to stay private. *That* was one of them."  
  
"Sweetcheeks," There we go again with the nicknames. "I'm a soul/mind reader. The words 'private' and 'thoughts' barely come into contact with each other when I'm around. Now…you gonna let me give you some advice or not?" He takes one look at the expression on my face and smiles. "Don't answer that 'cos I'll give it anyway." Oh brother…here we go… "You *know* you did the right thing. And I'm almost certain that you know that the current status of your relationship with Cordelia has almost nothing to do with how you handled that situation."  
  
"But-"  
  
He holds up his hand. "Let me finish. Now, as I was saying, your relationship with Cordy was deteriorating long before you made your little outburst. From the second she told you she was having the lawyer's baby you've been drifting apart. Its not your fault…and its not hers either. Life is taking you in different directions, without moving you anywhere. Get what I'm saying?"  
  
"Kinda…but I-"  
  
"Hey…still not finished here…"  
  
Long-winded demon.  
  
"I read that." He protests.  
  
I can't help smirking. "Sorry."  
  
"Where was I? That's right…You were taking separate paths without walking away from each other. Emotionally you started to lose that bond between you. It only got worse as Lawyer boy got closer and you fell even deeper in love with her. That last conversation you guys had alone was a turn around point…*Not* a descent into an even harder relationship. You learnt to let go and finally accept the fact that she's with another man. And you were both *completely* honest with each other. You actually *spoke* about everything eating you up inside and started picking up the pieces…You reconnected with her again…and, now that the hard part is almost over, you'll find that your friendship and family-like relationships will be strengthened. I know it hurts, Angelcakes, but sometimes there is no gain without the pain….See?"  
  
I nod. He actually made sense. And, if what he's saying is true…which it usually is, things will soon get better. Oh God, I hope that things start improving soon. "Thanks…" I manage to tell him, before Buffy walks over to us. I almost smile when I remember a time when I thought that she was my soulmate. That was a pipedream. Don't get me wrong, I loved her with all my heart and soul…and I still love her dearly…I always will, but soulmates we weren't.  
  
"Hey." She says cautiously.  
  
"Hey." I respond.  
  
Lorne excuses himself, saying that he still needs to get all his stuff ready before we get started. Buffy smiles as she watches him go. "Your friends are…interesting. And they're all so nice." She tells me.  
  
"Thanks. I really wish I could say the same about yours…but you've got Xander and Spike…" I answer, the ghost of a smile on my lips as I do. "Its great to see everyone getting along so well, though. Wes and Fred really seemed to hit it off with Will and Tara. Lorne's liking Xander's fiancé and Gunn looks like he's having fun with Xander and Spike…" At that I shake my head, as if to say 'I have no idea *why*'.  
  
She laughs. "Gunn's a real character. He's so sweet…very funny too…And he likes his weapons and his fighting…He kept asking me to retell all my 'Slayer Stories'…he particularly liked the one about the rocket launcher…"  
  
Yeah…didn't happen to tell him that Angelus was with the receiving end on that one, did you? Not that I blame you. "That's our Gunn."  
  
"And Cordy's lawyer is a nice guy too…I almost can't believe that he was as bad as you all say he was."  
  
Before I can stop myself, I've already snapped, "He was."  
  
"He knows it Angel." She says softly. "I got to have a real heart-to-heart with him before…and he's a nice guy. He knows he's done wrong in the past but-"  
  
"Cordelia has already been through this with me." I cut her off, dropping into the couch in the lobby, *away* from the sunlight. "I've spoken to him myself and I know that his intentions are all good here…but I still don't like him. Kinda the same way Xander feels about me…"  
  
She sits down next to me. "But when Xander developed that theory against you he had the hots for me…and then it was because we had grown really close as friends…almost family."  
  
"What do you think Cordy is for me?" I shoot back. Great one Angel. That was really smooth. How many friendships can you attempt to ruin in one day? Softening my tone I start to explain. "What I mean is…she's my family here in LA. She's almost everything I have. She's Connor's mother figure…And Lindsey's…well…he's not the person I'd like to see her end up with. Just as, for one reason or another, Xander didn't want you with me." She opens her mouth to protest, but I continue. This is probably the most I've ever spoken to Buffy face to face for a long, long time. I'm having a sharing day today, I guess. "Tell me, when you were with Far…I mean, *Riley*…did Xander hate him?"  
  
"No…but that's because Riley…he was…" She trails off. "Oh…I can see where you're coming from."  
  
I nod. I don't think I need to talk anymore. After a while, she whispers my name. I turn to look at her, arching my eyebrows. "Hmm?"  
  
Her green eyes are glued to the floor. She shuffles her feet nervously. Shakily, she asks. "You and I… we're over, right?"  
  
I'm taken by surprise on that one. "Uh…yeah…"  
  
"Good. I mean… We're both moving on…aren't we?" She looks into my eyes.  
  
I can't read her expression, but her voice is filled with hope and anxiety. "I…Well…Yeah." I answer. "Not that I've found anyone in my unlife…not that I can be with anyhow…but we're going in two different directions now. I mean, I have AI and the gang here… and a son. I'm pretty sure that I've moved on in some way…" I stop for a second and enquire, "Why do you ask?"  
  
She expels the breath that she had been holding. "I…I've found someone. Someone that you *won't* approve of, but he loves me and he's been there for me. He looked after Dawn while I was dea…*away* and he was there to help me when I came back. Not in a real conventional sense…but he knew what I wanted and what I needed and he gave it to me." She pauses, debating whether she should divulge any more information with me or not. After a little while, she decides to tell me the rest, although, diverting her gaze. Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to like what she has to say? "He knows that I'm the slayer and that our relationship is going to be rocky at the best of times…and that it probably won't work, but he wanted to give it a shot. I was so confused. You're the first person I've told any of this to. The other Scoobies don't even have a clue what's going on. Dawn picked up on it, though…But I got so confused. I didn't love him…but he loved me. I told him I didn't want to hurt him or use him and he said that he didn't care 'cos any time spent with me is better than none. And, no. It wasn't as corny as it sounded. So, after a long talk with him, I decided that I'd give it a chance. I'm even starting to feel things for him. More than lust or like…And that scares me. I almost always get hurt in love…But, somehow…deep down inside…I know that Spike is diff-"  
  
She doesn't get to finish 'cos I'm already in motion. I jump up and glare down at her. "Spike?" I ask, somewhere between betrayed and confused. "Spike? As in 'William the Bloody' Spike? As in my grandchilde Spike? As in vampire without a soul Spike?" She nods and I flop back down into the seat beside her again, completely drained of any emotion. I can't be angry with her. Love comes to anyone at anytime and you can't help who you fall for. "Wow…Spike…Well…It *is* a step *up* from Finn." I smile weakly.  
  
She hugs me, wrapping her arms around my neck and heaving sobs of relief. This is new. She slowly pulls herself off me, grinning sheepishly and wiping the tears from her face. "Sorry…but I'm soo glad you're not hurt…I mean…I thought you might feel betrayed or something. But you weren't…aren't…whatever. You actually cracked a joke. Oh, Angel…That means soo much to me…you have no idea."  
  
"Look at it this way, Buff. I'll always love you…but…we've both moved on. I'd like to think that we're still friends…and, from what I've been told time and time again, friends support each other. Plus, if you were able to deal with me having a son…then I should *definitely* support this Spike thing. Don't look a gift horse in the mouth, I say." She smiles and I almost find myself telling her that I fell for Cordelia. Luckily, I stop myself. She's got enough to deal with at the moment. Instead I say, "You said that the other Scoobies don't know about you and Spike."  
  
"I…I thought I had to talk to you first. I mean, I felt like I almost owed you-"  
  
"You didn't owe me anything."  
  
"But, if anyone was going to take it really…I don't want to say 'badly'…uh, *hard*, it was gonna be you. The others can deal…but, I don't know…I guess, *you* were the person that I felt I needed to talk to about it." She confesses.  
  
I find myself smiling at her again. She starting to seem so much more at ease, almost the same old Buffy that I once knew in Sunnydale, back when her biggest worry was what to wear to The Bronze. At least she's had the chance to get one small part of her life sorted out now, and it's made so much difference. In these past 15 minutes or so, I've watched as a chunk of her burdens have been lifted. I'm glad I could help someone today, even if it *wasn't* myself.  
  
"There you are, Slayer." Spike says, walking back into the lobby. "Been lookin' everywhere for you." He glances at me and then adds, "For, uh, Slayer type stuff."  
  
"Spike," Buffy begins, "Angel knows about us."  
  
A huge grin spreads across his face and settles there. "Well that's a relief. Then no more tip-toein' 'round-"  
  
"Well…not around Angel, anyway."  
  
"What? You mean, you told Peaches but not your best friends?" He asks her in disbelief, the grin slowly disappearing.  
  
"Uh…okay, well…I'm gonna go check on Connor. I think it's about time for his bottle anyway." I cut in. I've had enough relationship talk for one day. I get up and make my way to the landing and head towards the nursery.  
  
So…Buffy's with Spike and Cordy's with Lindsey. The two women that I have ever really loved are both with two men that I have really hated. That seems so…wrong. But it's happening. As long as Spike and Lindsey don't hurt them, I guess I'm content seeing them happy with someone else.  
  
Okay, so maybe I'm not content. And maybe I'm not happy. But, I can cope. Maybe even get on with my unlife.  
  
Which reminds me (don't ask how)…I have to plan a trip to The Oracles. Cordy has to come as well. She's got to ask about the visions and I've got to ask about what's going to happen with the whole' lack of a seer' situation I'm gonna be left with. This just keeps getting more and more complicated…  
  
*********************************  
  
A/N- Reviews please. I know…I can't write Buffy too well…hence the fact she's only in a couple of scenes…and her own pov….Argh! That's the next chapter! I gotta get my act together. Well…your thoughts are gladly appreciated right about now. Oh…yeah. I worked out who the anonymous "cryptic" review was from…Lol. There's a silly little personal joke/story in it I shoulda gotten ages ago. Lol. And to everyone else that has reviewed I *LOVE* you guys. (Yes, even those of you who told me I was wrong, or sent in constructive criticism… ^_^ ) Keep it up. PLEASE!!!! 


	21. changes -buffy pov

A/N- ANGEL IS BACK! Woo hoo! No more waiting on the new season 'cos its here! Lol…Back to fic stuff…*where* did you all go? Looks like there were a grand total of 2 ppl that read ch 20 (thankyou guys for your reviews…you know who you are. ^_^). To the rest of you, if you don't like what you're reading, *tell* me. Sitting there and not saying anything won't help me make it better, will it? With that said, I'll move on to ch 21…  
  
*********************************  
  
This is plain weird. Angel has me seriously wigged. I mean it. He called me 'Buff', actually *accepted* the 'me and Spike' thing *and* talks baby talk… He's turning into Mr Warm-and-Fuzzy-Feelings and I seem to be the only person finding it weird. I don't know whether to be happy about it or disturbed (not in a bad way…but disturbed all the same…)  
  
But, one thing I do know is that he made a valid point. Friends are supposed to support each other and be there for them. They should be able to deal with my decisions. And if they can deal with Angel having a baby then they can also deal with me hooking up with Spike.  
  
That's it. I've made up my mind. I tell the rest of the Scoobies today. I'm sick and tired of tiptoeing around behind their backs. If I want my life to be as close to normal as possible again, I'm gonna have to start letting them back into it. They have to know what's going on with me…after all, they're my friends. That's why they're there.  
  
Xander's gonna freak. And Giles…lets not go there. Lets just *not*.  
  
I know that Dawn liked the idea…but that's 'cos she likes Spike. Anya bonds with him, so no problem there. Tara doesn't dislike him and even Willow seems to enjoy his company every so often, but the guys… Their reactions scare me. I know I gotta do it, though. The longer I leave it, the worse the response will be.  
  
I spy Willow across the room. I'm kinda thinkin' that if I tell them one at a time, it'll be easier. So, I guess she's the first. I start to make my way over. "Hey, Will!" I call, getting her attention.  
  
She spins to face me, smiling brightly. "Buffy! Hey! What's up?"  
  
"I need to talk. To you. I've got some stuff I need to get off my chest." I reply, gesturing towards the courtyard as I do, "Can we go out there?"  
  
She starts to look a little concerned. "Sure…okay." Once we're outside, she sits on the bench and looks up at me patiently. "What's wrong?"  
  
I start to pace. "Not wrong…well…if you were Xander or Giles it'd be wrong…but…It's not really a bad thing…" I take a breath to stop my rambling. This is even harder than telling Angel. "I…I'm seeing Spike."  
  
She seems a tiny bit thrown. (Okay, so that's an understatement…) "Pardon?"  
  
I smile grimly. "Me and Spike are kinda an item…as in together…as in-"  
  
"Sex?" She cuts in bluntly.  
  
"Yeah…" I answer, slightly uneasily. I can still remember a Willow that couldn't even think of saying the word 'sex' without blushing. Now she's interrogating me with it. "That too…"  
  
She seems a little disgusted. "With Spike?"  
  
I'm starting to take offence. I mean, I didn't do anything that disgusting. Its not like *I* went and misused magick to bring someone back from heaven (okay…that was a bit mean of me to think…but I'm being defensive here)…All *I* did was sleep with a vampire. One *without* a soul, yes. But he has *something*. More than a chip…He has compassion and feelings and morals and…I find it hard to believe that he *doesn't* have a soul. Plus, he isn't exactly bad to look at either…quite the opposite, really.  
  
"Yes." I reply, coming off a little too harsh. I ease my tone and try to explain. "He's not that bad, Will. He's caring and sweet and he looks after Dawn and he's been there for me…He's not an evil must-be-staked vamp anymore. He's changed…and-"  
  
"I'm sorry…but its weird, y'know. I mean…Spike." She gives me a small lop- sided smile. "But, if it makes you happy, then I'm all for it."  
  
I sit beside her a give her a hug. "Thanks, Will."  
  
"You're welcome Buffy." She sighs. "I just hope you know what you're doing…"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
And now they all know. (All except Giles, but he'll get it when we get back to Sunnydale.) As predicted, Xander didn't really like it, but he said that he'll try to understand seeing as he's getting married to an ex-vengeance demon and all. Speaking of, Anya loved the idea and wanted to know when we were going to get married (funny, much?)…But then she got all cranky 'cos she thought we might be planning on 'stealing her thunder' (which just goes to show that she's been watching too much FRIENDS). Tara was nice enough and had the most supportive reaction of all, telling me to go for it and follow my heart, which was great.  
  
All-in-all, it didn't go too badly. At least now I have nothing to hide from them, which is a start. But I still feel like there's something missing. There's a void I need to fill in my life. I don't know what it is or how I'll fix it, but there is definitely something absent. If I want my close-enough-to-normal existence I'm gonna have to find out what it is that's missing. That's the next step in my master plan on getting on with my 3rd chance at life.  
  
Across the room Cordelia calls "Buffy!" and rushes over to me (leaving Anya and Xander to talk with themselves), a huge genuine smile plastered on her face. She pulls me into a brief hug and then draws away, keeping her arms on mine in a friendly manner. "You're with Spike? That's soo weird! And good! It's about time you found someone that you can click with! I mean, he's not a bad guy and he's *definitely* a looker…I'm so happy for you. I can't imagine how hard the past year or so has been …" She trails on, but I'm not listening. I'm kinda stuck on the fact that *Cordy* is being nice and caring and soo…un-Cordylike. Everyone is changing around me. Which leaves me wondering:  
  
Have I changed, or am I still the same old Buffy? Is everyone else getting on with their lives and leaving me behind? Do I *have* to change as dramatically as them, or *can* I stay the same? *What is the same?* I'm still trying to find the 'normal' Buffy, but how can I do that if I have to change?  
  
Oh god…I'm really confusing myself here… I have so much stuff going on in my life at the moment, the last thing I need is to think about changing…or filling a void in my life. Why can't anything be easy anymore? Why can't it be like when I was 15 and leading a 'normal' non-slayage life? I had my mom, my little sister and my dad. I had a group of 'normal' friends and I lived in LA. Back then, the world (to my knowledge) *wasn't* a scary place, filled with vampires, demons and apocalypses. Instead it was a fun and exciting place, filled with boys, cheerleading and parties.  
  
Look at me now. I'm 21, 22 soon enough, and I've *died* fighting evil…*twice*. Being a vampire slayer, I had to blow up my high school at graduation 'cos the mayor turned into a giant snake (pretty much) and had to be stopped. I dropped out of college 'cos my mom died and left me to take care of my little sister who, I found out, really doesn't exist at all. In fact, all Dawn's supposed to be is a ball of energy that can open a portal to Hell and destroy the earth. Meanwhile…I barely even *know* who my dad is anymore 'cos I haven't seen him in like 3 years, speaking to him almost just as frequently. And *then* there's the fact that I'm sleeping with yet another vampire boyfriend…  
  
Talk about making major changes. But, somehow, I'm *still* stuck in a rut. I'm still not moving on in life. In fact, I just feel like I'm taking 3 steps backwards with each step forwards. Maybe I'm doing something wrong.  
  
"…What do you think?…Buffy?" Cordy's voice shakes me out of my depressing thoughts and brings me back into the real world.  
  
I focus my eyes back onto her and smile sheepishly. "I'm sorry…I kinda drifted away for a second…You were saying?"  
  
She shakes her head and rolls her eyes with a sigh. "Everyone seems to do that." At my puzzled look she adds, "Drifts off into 'lala land' when I'm talking." I really have to bite my tongue. She left that *sooo* open to mockery. She's oblivious to the look of amusement on my face because she continues, "Anyway…I *was* saying that it would be nice to go out for dinner sometime. You and Spike, Me and Lindsey…maybe even Xander and Anya or Willow and Tara…A strictly couples thing. What do you think?" She nods at me eagerly, awaiting my reply.  
  
"Well…once we get through this law firm thing…I'm game."  
  
Her smile widens and she wraps her arms around my neck. It startles me a little. I'm still not quite used to these random attacks of affection from Cordelia. "That is soo great! There's this perfect little Italian place…"  
  
I nod and smile, offering the odd "Yeah" or "Uh huh." from time to time. I'm not really paying that much attention. She pauses for a split second and hesitates, her eyes travelling behind me. I turn to see what has captured her usually undivided (that's a laugh) attention.  
  
Angel and Lindsey are standing at the top of the stairs, their eyes glued to each other menacingly. Each man is puffed up and ready to fight. Lindsey says something to Angel and prods him provokingly. The vampire smirks and pushes him back, making him stumble backwards. He snaps back at Lindsey and the scene starts to get a little ugly. Both Cordy and I realise it at the same and run up to them.  
  
She grabs hold of Lindsey's arms, stopping him from fighting, while I do the same with Angel. Cordelia drags her boyfriend/partner/whatever away, muttering something under her breath at him. He glares at Angel and tries to apologise to Cordy at the same time. She takes him into one of the rooms, closing the door behind them, and I turn to Angel.  
  
"You wanna tell me what that was all about?" I ask.  
  
He shrugs and avoids my gaze. "It was nothing." I grab his arm as he turns to stalk away, raising my eyebrows as I do. I'm not letting him go until he tells me what's going on and he knows it. He brings his eyes up to meet mine and sighs. "He was pissed off at me. I also decided that I wasn't gonna let him annoy the crap outta me anymore. You saw him start -"  
  
"But *why* did he start on you? Angel, I know you like to think he's still evil and all…but he *had* to have had a reason. Even Angelus justified his actions." I had to say that to get through to him. Even Angel is a typical guy with an ego that screams 'It's not my fault' when it is. He needs to be reminded that every so often, it can be his fault. Angelus (as much as I hate to revert to using him to illustrate my point…and believe me, I do hate to say it) is the perfect way to get through to Angel.  
  
He winces at the mention of his alter-ego and I know that I've made my point. "He was upset because I " and then he mumbles, gluing his eyes back to the floor as he shuffles his feet.  
  
"I'm sorry," I tell him, "I kinda missed that. It sounded like you said that you shishkabobbed something. And I'm pretty sure that's not what you said."  
  
"Lindsey got pissed off 'cos I kissed Cordelia." He snaps, looking me in the eye, painfully. "There I said it. Happy?"  
  
I don't know exactly how to reply. I'm a *tiny* bit upset at the harshness in his tone. What happened to *not* being 'Joe Here's-What-I'm-Thinking'? "Angel…" I whisper. "I…I didn't know you felt …for Cordy…I'm…Well…Cordy?"  
  
He slumps against the wall and slides down to the floor. "I screwed up. Worse than ever. I lost her. Too late…" He thrusts his head backwards and hits the wall with a 'thud'. After a restless second, he throws his head forwards again, back into his hands, then brings it back up and glares up at the ceiling. "Why? Why me? …I keep losing them…Am I really *that* cursed?"  
  
*Now* I'm getting worried. Since when does Angel plead with God or whatever powers rule over the universe? And…wow…he fell for Cordelia? I guess if I could fall for Spike…But…*Cordelia*?  
  
I don't say anything; I just sit down next to him and silently offer my support. It's all I can do. Poor Angel… Maybe one day he *will* find love and *not* lose it. I hope he does. I can't stand to see him like this. Not this depressed.  
  
The last time that I saw it was this bad, he was trying to kill himself. (Remembering that I wasn't really having much to do with him when Darla came back.) The 'Big Bad of Big Bads' had convinced him via images of his victims that he was brought back to kill me and, when he refused, he decided that the best thing to do was end his unlife…again. He thought that the world was better off without him in it.  
  
It was hard convincing him otherwise, but I poured my heart out to him right then and there. I told him that I needed him and that I loved him. I told him that he had to be strong and brave and fight.  
  
And that's what he's been doing. Fighting. He hunts demons and Big Bads here in LA for a living. He no longer thinks or knows that I need him or love him, but he still sticks in there. Maybe, for as long as he's loved her, he stuck to it for Cordy. And maybe he has a different reason. But, whatever the case, I can see him slipping.  
  
After a while he speaks. "I'm not going to do anything drastic, Buffy."  
  
"What? What makes you think-"  
  
He tilts his head to one side and looks at me, a small, sad smile on his lips. "I know you. You worry."  
  
I smile back at him. "You're right. I do worry. I can't help it."  
  
"You don't have to worry now, though. As much as I'm hurting on the inside, I still have Connor and his interests come first. I wouldn't fly off the handle and do something stupid for myself if it was going to affect him in any way. I'm not that selfish anymore. I'm learning…" He stands up and offers me his hand, which I gladly take and he pulls me up. "I'll be okay. I promise."  
  
"I hope so Angel." I reply and then start to brighten, trying to cheer him up a little. "And I hope that when the right girl for you comes around, you'll be very happy…oh…maybe not *that* happy. You'll be happy, but you'll still be Angel. So not perfect happiness…unless I can get Tara And Willow to work on that…then I hope lots of perfect happiness on you…Oh...not that I want you to just have sex or anything…" He's starting to smirk at me so I laugh sheepishly. "You gotta stop me when I babble like that. I'm starting to sound like Willow…"  
  
He actually laughs along with me as we descend the stairs. I'm starting to think that maybe this trip is turning out a lot better than I first thought it would…  
  
*******************************  
  
A/N- come one, come all and witness the fluffiness that was ch 21. Like I said, I can't really write Buffy too well, especially when she's interacting with Angel. Oh well, no bother…Just review now and I'll be happy. Remember…No reviews equals longer delays. Thanx. ^_~ 


	22. convincing or not -cordy pov

A/N- wow… I can't believe that I've left this one for sooo long! Talk about being distracted by work! Oh well…its not like that many of you missed me. *sniffleness* Ummm…to those of u that have been following *and* reviewing a big apology! I seriously got bombed in work and I had to get the other fic's 10th chapter out. Now I gotta work on this one. Please review and make sure that my efforts weren't for nothing. Ta.  
  
*************************  
  
I dragged Lindsey into this room and pushed him into the chair about half an hour ago, and I still haven't gotten anywhere with him. All I really want is for him to calm down and talk to me. If he wants us to have a loving relationship, he's gonna have to open up to me and tell me what he's feeling. There's no point in attacking Angel and not talking to me if he wants to keep *us* going and he knows it.  
  
"Come on…" I urge for the thousandth time, stopping my pacing and crouching in front of him again. "You've got to talk to me."  
  
He looks up at me, his eyes full of apology. "And say what? I'm sorry for being jealous and confronting the guy that kissed my girlfriend behind my back?"  
  
"No. But there is a difference between confronting and trying to provoke a fight with someone." I reply. "But that's not what we have to talk about and you know it."  
  
"I know…" He says, looking back down at the floor. "I'm ashamed that I did…but Cordelia, he kissed you. He told you to leave me and stay with him. I was angry. I was upset. I was afraid that you might actually take him up on it, so I needed to tell him to stay away." He pauses, a tiny rueful smile slipping onto his lips, "The fact that you're his seer and he's your champion makes that a bit hard…but it was instinct." He looks back up at me. "I don't want to lose you. I'm sorry that I provoked and tried to attack your best friend and all, but I really don't want you to leave me."  
  
I smile at him. He's soo sweet. I really can't believe that he's the same evil lawyer that tried to kill us all time and time again…Then again, that's *not* him anymore. It hasn't been for a long time and it won't be ever again. Or at least, I hope it won't be.  
  
I hate myself for it, but I keep getting this itsy-bitsy idea in my head that says when he crawls back to W&H, he really *will* betray us. I can't help it. I mean, its either that or he's already working for them. Either way, we're all doomed.  
  
I shake the horrible possibilities away and concentrate on working through these issues with Lindsey. "Honey," I say, placing my hand on his knee (partly to reassure him tenderly and partly to steady myself from toppling over). "You don't have to worry like that. I'm not gonna leave you any time soon and if you're not planning on leaving me, I don't see us breaking up or whatever…" I look deep into his eyes, searching for his reaction. "Okay?" He nods and I smile even more. "Good."  
  
I push myself back up so I'm once again looking down at him. He follows suit and stands as well, pulling me into his embrace, keeping his arms around my waist. I lean my head on his shoulder. This still feels so right. I take a deep, calming breath in. His aftershave has the nicest smell. I can't describe it. Slightly musky, a tiny bit fruity, masculine, but not too harsh… Intoxicating. I love it. Hell, I love him. Its sooo hard to believe, but I do.  
  
The problem is; What if this really *is* an act? What if he *is* gonna betray our trust? What's gonna happen to me and our baby if he does? I don't want to think about it. I really don't. But, I have to. To make sure that I'm prepared.  
  
I want to believe every other instinct inside me that says I'm just being paranoid, but I can't be too safe here. It's not just my life on the line anymore. I have to remember that there is a baby I will have to account for from now on. I think that I just realised something.  
  
I'M NOT READY TO TAKE THAT RESPONSIBILITY!  
  
I'm too young to have a baby. The world is a far too dangerous place these days, and that's *without* counting the demons and underworldly scum that shares it with us. I don't think I'll be a good mom. I don't think I have what it takes. And then there's the whole 'Childbirth is the most painful thing in the world' thing (although I doubt that the woman that said that ever had to suffer a mind-numbing vision). And what if Lindsey leaves me? I'm definitely not ready to raise this kid on my own… And I don't want to have to turn back to Angel and the others for help…  
  
"What the hell have I gotten myself into?" The words slip out of my mouth before I even realise I've even thought them.  
  
"What?" Lindsey asks, gently prying me from his shoulder, placing his hands on my shoulder and looking me in the eye. "What do you mean?"  
  
I try to shrug him off and add a warm smile for extra charm. "Oh…nothing…I was just talking to myself…Not important."  
  
Lindsey doesn't buy it for a second. "Cordelia…I'm not an idiot." He tells me. "Although, there *are* people that'll happily dispute that…I need to know what's going on with you as much as you need to know what's going on with me. So start talkin'."  
  
With a sigh I tell him my latest fears, finishing with a tearful, "I'm *really* not ready for this." And then, against all my will, I break into tears. I can't stand this overly emotional stuff that comes with the pregnancy…why must my hormones (or whatever it is that causes these stupid mood swings) be thrown outta whack? Queen C does *not* break down in tears. Then again, I haven't really been Queen C in a long time.  
  
Lindsey pulls me back into his arms and I sob against him. Every so often he offers the occasional "It'll be fine", "You're gonna be an excellent Mom" or "I'm not going anywhere. I'll be here for you whenever you need me" while he rubs my back.  
  
After a few minutes I start to pull myself together and wipe at my eyes. Lindsey pulls out his handkerchief and I gladly accept it. Blowing my nose in the most possible lady-like manner I can, I smile sheepishly. "Damn these stupid mood swings. I thought they were s'posed to come *later* in the pregnancy."  
  
He raises his hands and shrugs. "Don't look at me. I don't know a *thing* about stuff like that."  
  
I roll my eyes playfully. "Typical man."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Okay…we all set? Every one to their stations?" Angel calls, 'Decoy Connor' in his arms.  
  
We've been allocated into groups now. Its time we got 'Operation Kaboom' (or whatever it was called) into action. In the lobby of the Hyperion, we have Angel, me, Lorne and Wesley. Hiding around the corners upstairs are Spike, Buffy, Xander and an assortment of Lorne's buddies that have a vendetta against Wolfram and Hart. (We agreed to their involvement because we needed as much back up as possible and as long as they don't attack anyone on our side…INCLUDING Lindsey…it's all good.) Outside, lurking in the shadows are Gunn and a few members of his old gang (who only joined in because W&H are not too liked in their circles either). Willow, Tara and Fred are poised (also looking after the real Connor) on computers on the top floor, having already completed an assortment of spells for protection and invisibility to anyone who may be a threat to them. They've got more stored under their sleeves, but first they gotta do the hackage of W&H files. And Lindsey, well…He's in the nursery getting ready for an all-too- convincing ass-kicking from Angel.  
  
I glance around at everyone else still in the lobby. They nod in response to Angel's question. Over the walky-talky Spike checks in with his typical "Peaches, we're all good here. When's the fighting?" Next comes Gunn's "Angel, we're set and ready. You just gotta say the word." The final group is Willow's, who answers with "Is this on? Oh…it is? Okay…Testing…1,2,3…Sorry. Always wanted to say that. Anyhows, we're all set here. Give us the green light and we're off and running…or typing in our case…Okay. How do you turn it off? That button there? No…I know what I'm doi… *Click*"  
  
Shaking his head with the tiniest of smiles, Angel gets himself into position, sitting down across from me and Lorne, nursing a bundle of blankets that has been enchanted to look, feel, smell, move and even *sound* like Connor to those that don't know the truth. (We can hear the same sounds though, so it looks convincing 'cos when it cries, it's only natural for Angel or I to make a move to calm it. If not, it could seem strange to the people we're trying to trick…It makes sense to me, anyway.) Against my judgement, we decided to *not* tell Lindsey. In case he really was gonna betray us. Plus, if he thinks it's the real baby, it'll look more believable as well.  
  
"I just hope that we can act this out without screwing up." I say casually.  
  
Angel smiles and nods. "Yeah…plus I feel like an idiot talking to a bundle of blankets. Its really not my style."  
  
Lorne hides a chuckle and we act like it's a normal day…er…night here in the Hyperion. It's all part of our plan. Just in case we're being watched or whatever. After a little while Angel stands and makes his way over to the elevator, still carrying 'DC' (Decoy Connor). Its been starting to make noises so, he treats it as he would Connor and goes to put it to bed. This is now where Lindsey's gonna pretend to try and kidnap him.  
  
Sure enough, the sounds of a struggle erupt over the baby monitor and a beaten looking Lindsey appears, tearing down the stairs at a 100 miles per hour, one very pissed off Angel right behind him in full vamp mode. If I didn't know that this was staged, I'd be very scared. As it is, I'm a little shaken. So, now it's my turn to join the scene.  
  
I jump up as they get closer and try to stop Lindsey, but he's gone before I can say anything. I block Angel's path and stop him instead.  
  
"Get out of my way." He snarls.  
  
"Not until you tell me why you're trying to kill my boyfriend." I reply defiantly.  
  
Angel refuses. "Cordelia! I SAID MOVE!"  
  
"No!" I yell back. "Not until you-"  
  
"He tried to kidnap Connor! That filthy little slime ball is still evil! Now let me go tear him apart!"  
  
Way to go Angel with the acting…Not. He should take a few lessons one day. Hey, there's an idea. I can triple as his receptionist, seer *and* acting coach, especially if he plans on going undercover on a few cases. Wearing a bright (and ugly) Hawaiian shirt won't always do the trick…I'm getting sidetracked here. Where was I? Oh, yeah… Maybe, for today's purposes, he should just keep his game face on and his mouth shut. If he has to speak, just growl a few times or something… Anyhow…it's my line. "WHAT?!" See…now, *THAT* was believable.  
  
Angel snarls, mucho convincing too…Much better than before. Oh, god…he's going to *talk* again. I'm prepared for his improvising…I hope. "You heard me." He growls, "Now move. I don't want to have to hurt you."  
  
"Angel…" I coo, "Maybe there's been some sort of misunderstanding." Here I go, ready to become the confused voice of reason and panic. I start to stutter and rush the sentence out for dramatic emphasis. "M-maybe he was t- trying to help you and you just jumped to conclusions 'cos we all know that you hate him and don't want him around…or…or he might have-"  
  
"Cordelia," Angel snaps, catching on quickly to what I want him to do/say. "I wouldn't make something like that up. I know how much you like the guy now and I was trying to like him myself…for you. But I know what I saw! He was there *hiding* in the nursery and the second I was out the door he tried to make off with my son! Tell me that he's not evil!"  
  
I find myself shaking, getting completely into character and tell myself that this isn't an act anymore. From now on, it's all real. "Its not true." I say, shaking my head furiously. "I wont let it be."  
  
Angel doesn't budge. Something tells me he's doing the same thing and getting into character. Good. He'll be a lot more convincing that way. Staring me down he whispers, "Too bad. It is happening and I'm gonna make sure it doesn't go any further." He tries again to push me out of the way.  
  
"No!" I protest. "Let me. If he's really gone evil again, *I'm* gonna be the one to let him have it. Okay?" It's not a question. It's a statement *phrased* as a question, if that makes any sense.  
  
He looks uncertainly at me, as does Wesley as he walks up to stand beside the vampire. "Cordelia," the Brit says, "I don't think that in your current condition-"  
  
"Lindsey's the one that got me into my 'current condition', as you put it, and he won't hurt his own unborn child no matter how evil he is." I reply sternly and full of resolve. "I've made my decision guys. You can't change that." I soften. "Look, if it gets out of control, I'll call you. Fair?"  
  
Hesitantly, they both nod. I draw Angel away from the doors and grab my purse. I turn to the men to give my instructions as I leave. "If I'm not back or you haven't heard from me in an hour, you can come after me. Until then, STAY HERE."  
  
Neither moves to protest, but Angel looks like he's seriously debating it. I turn and head to the front doors.  
  
As I walk out onto the street, I take one last look at the hotel. I can't help realising that however this thing plays out, nothing is ever going to be the same again. Am I really ready for the change?  
  
**********************************  
  
A/N- okey-dokey you know what you have to do now, don't you? Yes, I am talking to you. You simply must post a review. Tell me what you think. I don't care how much you say, just as long as you say it. If it sucks, *tell* me. If it doesn't, tell me that too. PLEASE! And remember, the more you guys review, the faster I'll update. Post 10 of the same review if you want! Just let me know what you're thinkin'. Ta. 


	23. betrayal? -lindsey pov

A/N- see…I'm doing the 'speeding up of the story' thing. I hope to have Buffy and co outta here within the next couple of chapters 'cos I think its getting a little old. Not to mention tiresome for li'l ole' me. Have I mentioned that I can't get into her character? I just cannot for the life of me write her well. *sigh* ^_^ Uh…I don't know what more to say at the moment, so I'll just let you read for now. (remember to review)  
  
*******************************  
  
So I ran for my life out of that hotel. I don't think I've ever run any faster in my entire existence. Yep, that's right, I'm a coward. I couldn't stand being beaten into a bloody pulp anymore, so I got the hell out. I know it was supposed to be an act and that this is all part of the plan, but for the tiniest second I actually contemplated turning it into reality. I actually *let* myself think of betraying the woman I love. I feel so awful. I can't believe I thought about it. So much for trying to be good.  
  
So…why didn't I go through with it when I had the chance? Well, I guess my conscience kicked in when I saw Connor sleeping peacefully in his crib after Angel put him down to bed. I realised that I'm not Evil Lindsey anymore. I'm Lindsey McDonald and I'm one of the good guys. And soon, *I'm* going to be the proud father putting his baby down for a nap.  
  
That's if this plan of ours works.  
  
It's too late to formulate a new one 'cos we've already put this one into action. I can't waste my time on the 'what ifs' anymore. Not only is it pointless to do so, but it shows weakness. If the enemy senses weakness it preys on it. Especially Wolfram & Hart. And I'll be damned if they're gonna get anywhere near Cordy or her family. (I know, I'm probably already damned, but you get the point.)  
  
I'm outside the door to my apartment now. Reaching for the doorknob, I freeze. Something's wrong. I look around self-consciously. Nobody appears to be watching me, but if W&H could bug my apartment like they did…well, you never know what else they've got bugged around here…like the hallway security cameras for instance. Looking around once more, I shrug the feeling off as if it doesn't bother me.  
  
Pulling my keys from my pocket, I slide them into the lock and turn. The door gives a satisfying 'click' and I turn the knob, making my way inside. The light from the hallway floods in, filling the tiny hall and living room with a soft, almost eerie, glow. I let my eyes adjust to the semi-darkness, trying to pick out any dangers like, say, one of W&H's assassins.  
  
Once satisfied that I'm not gonna be ambushed any time soon, I flick on the lights. Everything seems to be in much the same order as it was before I ran out to find Cordelia. Nothing has been ransacked or vandalised, so I'm slightly relieved. I tug my shirt off while I check my answering machine. No more death-threats from Lilah, but there *was* a message from my mom that comes close. (I really should call her back one of these days. Maybe *after* we rid LA of Wolfram & Hart first…)  
  
After about 10 minutes, Cordelia bursts through my front door as planned. She's fully into character and if it were possible for people to blow steam from their nostrils like angry cartoon characters she'd be doing that.  
  
"Cordelia," I say, acting genuinely surprised. "What's wrong? Is everything okay?" I move towards her, full of concern, but she bats me away.  
  
"WHAT'S WRONG?!" She cries furiously. "Don't 'what's wrong' me! You know exactly why I'm here!" I shift my gaze to the floor, the thought that I actually *did* almost betray her tearing me apart inside. "Just answer me this ONE thing." She continues, still fuming. "Why? Why'd you do it?"  
  
"I-"  
  
"You were supposed to be good!" She screams. "You told me that you loved me!"  
  
"Cordy-"  
  
"NO! Don't you dare call me that! You lied! You tricked me into believing that you loved me…that you wanted this baby…But it was all a lie, wasn't it? To get to Connor. You needed someone on the inside to convince everyone else, didn't you? So you thought 'Oh look. There's Cordelia. She's a bimbo. She's perfect.' Didn't you?!"  
  
I shake my head frantically. "No. Cordelia I-"  
  
"You sick bastard!" She steps forward and slaps me. "Who set you up for this?" She yells hysterically. "Who goddamn it? Wolfram and Hart? Holtz himself? Who?!"  
  
Tenderly, I raise my hand to my cheek. It's all red and stinging. It hurts. I think Cordelia's being a bit too convincing here. Fine…It's my turn. "I did it for myself." I snap coldly. "I thought that W&H might take me back if I did. They threatened to kill me, Cordelia. And I don't particularly want to die."  
  
I can feel myself taking on the old Lindsey's persona. I can feel the power rush of evil, the ruthlessness, the wicked glint in my eyes. It's all coming back. And she can see it. She falters. (Good.) I think to myself. (She's going to have to believe this is real…It'll be more convincing. So what if I'm improvising a little more than she expected. That's what Lawyers…especially evil ones…do best, right?)  
  
"So you'd go as far as killing a harmless baby?" She questions.  
  
I don't even take the time to think about my answer. It slides out emotionlessly. "You got it." I chuckle wickedly. "As long as *I * don't die anything's possible."  
  
She narrows her gaze. "I don't believe it. Even when you were with Wolfram & Hart you were very opposed to hurting innocent children. Remember, we helped you with that case and-"  
  
"People change, Cordelia. I've gotten really attached to myself, as one does, and I've decided that I'm not going to let anyone kill me."  
  
She pulls a butcher's knife out from behind her back, a determined glare carved into her eyes. "Well, I don't think you have a choice now do you?"  
  
Hang on! Hold up just a second! Trying to stab me was never part of the plan!  
  
I take a step backwards. "Cordelia, Put down the knife. Let's not do anything we're gonna regret later, okay?"  
  
"What?" She leers. "You couldn't have said that 2 months ago?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"This was a great plan, Sherlock." Cordelia whispers sarcastically as I guide/push her towards Lilah's office, with her hands tied behind her back. (She kinda worked out that my Evil Lindsey act was just that; an act. Lucky for both of us really, 'cos I didn't want to have to get stabbed.)  
  
So now we're walking down the halls of the very building of lawyers that we're trying to get rid of. Our reason: Because a cold-blooded bitch called me at home after Cordelia pretended to let me overpower and tie her up. Lilah told me to bring Cordelia with me because we had a few…how'd she put it?…*issues* to discuss.  
  
"Hey, I wasn't really planning on this part either, considering the fact that Willow and pals are going to get the damn building to self-destruct in a little while." I murmur back at her. "But, let's look at it like a minor set back. All you have to do is pretend you're bait. Okay?"  
  
She rolls her eyes and starts to struggle, mumbling obscenities under her breath at me as we pass people. We get to Lilah's office and I force her into a chair in front of the desk. Lilah, who had been staring out the window with her back to her desk, spins around to face us, grinning wickedly from ear to ear. "Lindsey." She greets nonchalantly. "It's been a while."  
  
"Not long enough." Cordelia hisses.  
  
"Funny…I don't recall greeting *you*." The evil bitch behind the desk replies, glaring at my girlfriend in contempt. She diverts her gaze back up to me and demands; "Why isn't she gagged?"  
  
I shrug. "I didn't think she needed to be."  
  
Lilah raises her eyebrows. "I find that *very* hard to believe Lindsey. I mean, I *know* this girl. She DOESN'T SHUT UP. As in *ever*. And from what I've seen…she's *not* the type to go for bondage in the bedroom, so this wouldn't be a natural or comfortable thing for her, therefore I can only imagine how much she would have complained on the way here."  
  
Cordelia's eyes widen. "What do you mean 'From what you've seen'?" She asks. I know she already knows what Lilah means, but I play along when she turns to me and practically shouts, "What does she mean?!"  
  
"I think you have a fair idea, Cordy." I spit back, getting back into 'evil Lindsey' mode. "Don't worry. Lilah said she was entertained-"  
  
Cordelia narrows her eyes and moves to stand up defiantly. I push her back down in an instant, a little rougher than I had intended. I want to apologise when she winces, but that'd blow my cover, so instead I let out an evil chuckle. "Sorry, babe." I say, the sarcasm and cruelty dripping from each word. "Did I hurt you?"  
  
I notice that Lilah is starting to get fed up with Cordelia and I, so I look down at her. "Say…You don't happen to have anything that I could gag her with now, do you?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"So…you almost had the little brat, huh?" Lilah asks as we walk down the hallways of Wolfram & Hart on our way to see the senior partners.  
  
"Yeah…Angel caught me before I had the chance to nab him, though." I reply, hiding the pang of guilt that still haunts me. (I actually thought of doing it for real…)  
  
She narrows her eyes at me. "Why?" She snaps, her tone sharp and non- convinced. "Why did you choose to do it? Aside from the death-threat Lindsey, Why'd you suddenly choose to be on our side again?"  
  
"I've always been on your side." I reply suavely. "I left to make Angel feel that there was no threat in me anymore. I'd always had the intention of coming back and destroying him someday. Just not while he thought I was still a threat." I force myself to pull the same patented Evil Lindsey smirk that was once my trademark for 'I have a plan. Anyone that comes between me and succeeding here is going to suffer.' "Lets just say that the latest revelations with Cordelia were unplanned, but couldn't have come at a better time. She gave me the perfect inlet to Angel's world. And I took the chance."  
  
Lilah is still not convinced. "So…your 'Lovey-Dovey' thing was all an act? You were using her to get to him?"  
  
"Pretty much." My thoughts float to the woman we left handcuffed, bound and gagged in Lilah's office. I'm so sorry that I had to leave her like that. I vowed that if the guard Lilah called in to watch her lays so much as a finger on my Cordy, he wouldn't have the time to regret it.  
  
"Cut the crap!" Lilah yells, causing me to focus back on convincing her. "I had your apartment bugged and it didn't seem to me like you were planning on coming back to us. Quite the contrary and-"  
  
"And," I cut her off, "You're right. I didn't intend on coming back here. I just said I planned on destroying Angel. I was biding my time. Cordelia was, at first, a drunken mistake. But…when Angel came and told me that she was pregnant with my child…I jumped at the chance he was giving me to get to know them all." Once again, I force that grin to appear. "Now that I've done that, I have all the information I need to get them at their most vulnerable. Con…Angel's kid was an added bonus as far as my plan was concerned. I think I just got a little too gung-ho with the execution." I drop my voice and push her into the wall. "And if you ever threaten me again…You'll be a whole lot more than sorry. Got that?"  
  
She swallows and nods, so I let her go and straighten myself up. For the rest of the walk to the main boardroom, we're both silent. When we reach the double oak doors I feel my stomach turn. I'm suddenly a double agent for real. This time I'm not only betraying the firm on one measly case, I'm helping Angel tear it apart. It's a big step I'm taking now. Oh, god…I hope this works. I pull the handle down and push the first door open.  
  
In front of me is a large and familiar table, one we always used to use in board meetings and client briefings. This is going to be the last of those for anyone. I'm here to make sure of it. In the far right corner sits the water cooler. The far left corner is home to a plastic pot plant. The rest of the room is bare.  
  
"Lindsey." The first partner says, shaking me out of my thoughts. "Sit down. It appears we have some…issues…to discuss."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"So…Are we all set?" I ask Lilah. "You've called in the big guns?"  
  
"Check." She responds, nodding her head. We continue on our way back to her office.  
  
"Great." I reply optimistically. Now, I've just gotta convince her to let Cordelia go and make our way to the designated taco place for a brief snack. First thing's first. "So…" I begin cautiously. "Now that I've cut this deal with you guys, do you think we could let Cordelia go?"  
  
Immediately, Lilah comes to a complete halt and spins furiously to face me. "What?"  
  
"I asked whether we could let her go. In all honesty, do we really need her? Plus…she *is* pregnant with *my* child. I may be evil, but I could never-"  
  
"Okay. I get it." She says, stopping me from continuing my little speech. "You don't want your own flesh and blood to be hurt in all this. Fair enough. Plus…Angel doesn't like it when I mess with his seer too much." She shrugs. "We'll let her go. But, if she gets caught up in the action later on…Don't expect me to not let anyone kill her. She's just as much a danger to us as Angel."  
  
"Got it." I answer.  
  
We strut back into Lilah's office and I move to untie Cordelia.  
  
"So, here's the deal." I tell her. "We're letting you go 'cos you are carrying a very valuable asset to me, understand?"  
  
She mumbles from underneath her gag, and nods furiously.  
  
I continue. " That doesn't mean that if you go back and tell Angel that I brought you here and he puts 2 and 2 together, we wont kill you. Got that too?"  
  
Again, she nods and mumbles. I start to untie her gag and she practically spits it out. "You disgust me." She throws at me. I ignore her and unlock the handcuffs that hold her hands behind the chair. Next, I untie the ropes binding her ankles to the chair legs. I offer her my hand to help her get up, but she hits it away. Standing, she gives me one last glare and stalks out the door.  
  
"Don't you think she's going to run straight to Angel with all this?" Lilah queries.  
  
I grin wickedly. "Actually…I'm counting on it."  
  
****************************  
  
A/N- I'm actually getting places now! What do you think? Yep. That's right. You gotta review! No more sitting and pretending that u don't have to, 'cos it's like all my reviewers have gotten bored and are running away. What am I doing wrong? Tell me and I'll see whether I can fix the problem. (And…so sorry…I'm not taking the C/L thing as a problem.) Maybe the fact that Angel has nobody is a problem, but MissKitieFantastico has already suggested a pretty great remedy for that via email… (PS- To MKF, I know I've probably said this before, but I owe you a *huge* thanks! If I ever get this part finished I think I'm gonna follow up on your suggestion. ^_^) So…I guess all I'm gonna say now is: Review the fic guys! Thanks. 


	24. always bad -angel pov

A/N- well…soooo sorry about the delay. I've been moving houses and my mum dc'd my internet connection for a few weeks. Plus I had all these assignments and essays and homework tasks to do…THEN on top of that I started to get writer's block (GRR ARGH) but Mrs O-Town has been working me out of that one…^_^ *MASSIVE* thanx to Mrs O-Town. Standing ovation and everything.  
  
I'm returning a favour for her now. READ MRS OTOWN'S FICS! (See…this is an ad for her fics, which are excellent. I love 'em *and* the Angel ones are A/C like sooo many of you have been campaigning for. ^_^)  
  
^_^ Umm…so this chapter is probably crap, but I wrote it and I *need* reviews! I really need reviews ppl! I'm not just sayin' it! (PS-*big* thanx to those of you that reviewed the last couple of chapters. I love you guys more than you can imagine) And now, on with the show…  
  
******************************  
  
I hang up the phone and turn to face Lorne and Wes. "Looks like they took the bait."  
  
Lorne heaves a sigh of relief and Wesley removes his glasses to clean them, hesitantly pausing to ask, "Its all going according to plan, then?"  
  
I nod and stalk back over to my seat, dropping myself down uselessly. "Yep. Now all we have to do is wait." I pause and furrow my brow. "Have I mentioned that I don't like this 'sitting duck' situation we've got going here?"  
  
"Yes, Angelpie, you have." Lorne replies, ignoring my grimace at his choice of phrasing. "A *lot*. And, not to go all soul-reader on you or anything, but you need to take a chill pill or you're gonna blow a fuse stressing yourself like you keep doing."  
  
"Actually," Wesley interrupts in his usual correcting tone, "Angel really *shouldn't* take a (air quote) chill pill (close air quote) as that seems to have dire consequences. You see, there was this case we were…er…*he* was working on a couple of years back, and the client wanted for Angel to *relax* a little, so that he might consider turning her…rather long story that…anyhow, she slipped this tablet into his drink and it simulated a temporary feeling of bliss and he temporarily lost his soul."  
  
Lorne's eyes widen. "And he turned into Angelus?"  
  
Wesley's beginning to get rapt up in his current conversation. He leans forward to the demon and nods matter-of-factly. "Yes. But I reasoned that the drug was only a false stimulant, so to speak, and deduced the fact that his soul would return." He puffs his chest out with pride and I can't help rolling my eyes.  
  
I mean, Wes is great, don't get me wrong. He's one of my best friends…but I liked him a hell of a lot better when he wasn't so sure of himself. Its been my experience that when people get cocky, they have a higher chance of screwing up in a major sense, because they become too pig-headed to think their actions out with caution. I happen to be one of those people, I admit that. I'll also admit that I don't want to see Wes get into trouble when he gets too sure of himself.  
  
I notice that Lorne is still listening to the ex-watcher with bated breath. Wesley continues. "But Angel…he said some…*interesting* things that night. He made some admissions that he tried to ensure Cordelia and I were just Angelus' attempts at cruelty…but what I realised was that the truth can be cruel. Angel was just telling the truth…a little more bluntly as Angelus than he usually would, but he was still being honest. He-"  
  
That's it. I've had enough. "*He's* sitting right here." I emphasise, trying to take the attention away from that incident… which is in the *past*, might I add. "And Angelus *does* have a tendency to over-exaggerate too. I'll admit that *I* may sometimes under-exaggerate, but-"  
  
"Guys! Bicker later!" Cordelia puffs, bursting through the double doors. "We've got bigger issues right about now."  
  
You don't have to be Lorne to work out what Cordy's feeling or thinking at the moment. As strong as she's trying to look and act right now she's not fooling anyone, especially not me. All I have to do is take one look into those pretty hazel eyes and the fear and the anxiety jump out at me. I can sense it too…I know, vampires are trained to sense human emotions, especially fear and anxiety…afterall, most of us get off on it. The thrill of the chase and all… But, even Wesley has picked up on it because we both rush to her side, each taking an arm cautiously, and offer her glasses of water, asking if she needs to rest and so forth.  
  
Cordelia shakes us off, glaring at us as if we've done something stupid and irritating. That look still breaks my heart. I hate it when I've done something wrong in her books. It's just another reminder that I'll never be good enough for her. Not as a champion. Not as a lover not as family and worst of all not as a friend. "I'm fine!" She snaps, bringing my attention back to the situation at hand.  
  
Wesley nods and cleans his glasses…yet again, then moves back to his seat on the couch muttering something about just calling if she needed anything. Me on the other hand? I do the thing I do best and go into brood mode. "No." I say, shaking my head shortly in defiance. "You're not." I wait a few seconds to let my words settle and lower the harshness of my tone, still staying firm enough to act like an over-protective and slightly bossy big brother. "Now, are you going to *let* me get you a drink and a snack…or do we have to go through the whole 'tantrum and food throwing until you get bored and I can spoon feed you' thing that Connor and I go through every morning? 'cos that last one might be a little immature for you."  
  
She rolls her eyes and smiles that captivating 1000-watt smile that only she can perfect. "Fine. I'll eat and get big and fat and-"  
  
"You're gonna get fat anywa-" I trail off at the death stare that is suddenly being directed towards me. "That's *not* what I meant Cordy…I-I meant…you know…with the baby and… and…you know roundness…like Darla was…but in a glowing a-and alluring way…like…well…like you always…" I stop when I realise how much I'm humiliating myself right now. "Oh come on!" I say after a few seconds *after* working out the fact that she's enjoying watching me trying to squirm out of it. "You *know* what I meant."  
  
"And yet he *still* manages to put his foot in it." She chuckles, sarcastically adding; "You've got a real way with girls, Angel. You know *exactly* what to say to get a girl to feel special."  
  
I find myself laughing along with her, despite the nearing battle we've got coming up in a few minutes. That's the beauty of Cordelia. Even when another apocalypse is on its way, she manages to get you…okay *me* to loosen up. Its hard to believe that a mere 4 years ago, if someone would have told me that I'd wind up in LA as a detective working alongside an ex- watcher, former high-school queen of popularity, ex-street kid and eccentric physicist I would have laughed them off, especially if they would have told me that I would eventually fall in love with Cordelia. Cordelia of all people!  
  
I allow the ghost of a smile to play across my lips when I remember the countless times she practically threw herself at me…*especially* the couple of times she literally *did* throw herself at me…after I'd been there when Buffy had saved her life. Of course that was all *before* the young, vain thing knew I was a vampire. Even back then, with all her vanity and that cruel persona, she was a beautiful creature…but I had been to wrapped up in Buffy to notice.  
  
Even that fell flat.  
  
We couldn't be together and I couldn't deal, so I ran out and left her. I left her and then that damn farm boy broke her heart. (I'm just gonna skip the whole 'me turning human and having the perfect life with her for 24 hours until I gave that up and turned back time' thing.) Then she died…again. So I did the grieving thing and what do you know? The scoobies brought her back to life. We met up to talk and I don't even want to go *there* again…but we were okay, y'know. As friends…or if not friends, Allies. But somewhere along the lines everything went haywire and I ended up with a kid and she…ended up with another 'neutered' vampire boyfriend…all whilst I was falling in love with Cordelia without even realising it.  
  
Only in LA.  
  
"So…" I turn to Cordy and begin, trying to focus again. "What do you feel like eating? We got…umm…" I lean into the 'human-fridge', as I have aptly labelled it, and rummage for something that might seem even slightly fit for human consumption. "Well, we don't have much there…hang on…" I close the door and start to sift through the freezer. "Ah ha! There we go…" I pull out a container of ice cream. "Double Choc-Chip Cookie Dough(1)." My own mouth waters at the thought of the dessert. Another reminder of the day that time forgot. It's a pity that my vampireness dulls my taste-buds for anything other than blood. That stuff was good. I wave the container around at her. "What do you say?"  
  
She licks her lips and her eyes gleam. "Sounds great." She pats her stomach and grins sheepishly. "I didn't realise I was so hungry to tell the truth. And 'cold sugary melt in your mouth' goodness sounds perfect."  
  
I chuckle and hand the tub over to her with a spoon. Its only half full and I don't think she's really eaten much today and that's not good for either her health or her baby's. She digs in gladly as we walk back to the others. I glance at the clock and realise that she won't be safe with us.  
  
"Cordy," I say softly. "I think you should go *upstairs* and have a rest." I raise my eyebrows when I cautiously emphasise the word 'upstairs', trying to get the message across without being too obvious.  
  
She catches on and nods, still clutching her chocolate flavoured prize like it might escape at any moment. "Sure. But Wolfram & Hart are up to something. And…" For what I can only hope is dramatic emphasis, tears well in her eyes and her voice becomes shaky. "And Lindsey went back to them. I- I think he told them everything and-"  
  
Once again I catch on and take my cue by pulling her into my arms and holding her reassuringly. "Cordelia…" I manage (I'm getting used to this improv. stuff) "I promise you that I won't let him hurt anyone. I'll kill him for this, you know that." She brings her teary hazel gaze up to meet mine. I lean my forehead against hers softly, looking into her eyes, searching her soul for understanding and a sense of peace…or, if not peace, hope. "He'll die for what he's done to you." I don't say anything else. I want so much for this part to be real.  
  
Yes, I'm selfish…but I think that for once in my unlife I have the right to be.  
  
Secretly I wish that Lindsey really had set us up. I would love to be able to kill him and have a reason that Cordy *won't* hate me for. Problem is, I know that'll never happen. I can see the truth in his eyes every time he looks at her. He loves her, like I do. And I know that if it ever comes to it, he'll give up his life in an instant if it would help her. I'm the same on that one as well. He's not a bad thing for her, I'll admit that. I'll admit that he will give her everything she needs and deserves and more. He can give her that 'almost normal' life that she's always craved…and I can still be her champion. (At least that's one thing that he'll never be for her.) But somewhere deep down inside, I know that he's going to be good for her…and that's still all that matters.  
  
I find myself guiding Cordelia to her room in a comfortable silence. We pass Spike and his group on the way and he gives me the thumbs up and a wink. 'Everything's gonna be okay' is the message he's sending.  
  
'I hope so, Spike. I *really* hope so.' I reply with a slow nod, allowing my angst to show in my eyes.  
  
Suddenly, my beeper goes off and I just about jump a mile. I pull it out of my overcoat pocket and glance at it, furrowing my brow as I do. "Showtime." I explain, turning swiftly and gliding back down the stairs and into the lobby.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Why is it that I always seem to be the one doing all the sneaking?"  
  
"Angel," Wes hisses, "If you don't mind, would you please shut up? You can complain another time, like when, I don't know, we are *not* trying to enter the Wolfram and Hart building from the top floor." He looks down queasily and gulps.  
  
We are currently standing on one of those window cleaning hoisty things, trying to break into the top (and least guarded) floor of the extremely large law firm. This floor is obviously being remodelled or re- vamped…pardon the pun. It's completely deserted. There are big white sheets covering the furniture, pots of paint and paintbrushes and other miscellaneous items scattered on the floor that you'd expect to see when re- modelling any form of building. And, to our advantage, it seems as though all the security cameras have been disconnected.  
  
I let out a low whistle as we finally manage to unhinge the window and climb in, much to Wesley's relief. "God…these senior partners must have more money than they know how to handle." I mutter, lifting one of the sheets to glance a beautiful antique desk, probably hand crafted in the early 17th century. "Look at this stuff, it seems like such a waste…"  
  
"Angel," Wes cautions, "We're here for a specific reason. And may I remind you, it is not to ogle the furniture, or the…oh my…this is completely remarkable."  
  
I manage to stifle my chuckle, and shake my head as I watch him being drawn to an old bookcase. His eyes swoop over the rather eccentric looking titles. He lets out a small squeak of what I can only place as excitement as he pulls a large dusty volume of the shelf.  
  
"My god, Angel. Do you have any idea what this is?" He breathes.  
  
I shrug. "Not really…but I have a feeling you're going to tell me."  
  
"It's the only copy of its kind, thought to be lost for an entire millennium…This book not only contains a collection of prophecies, but also translations for languages and texts that are impossible to read without the accompaniment of this very book." His eyes gleam as he clutches his prize to his chest. "This very book is essentially the key to translating every prophecy and ritual in existence…including those from other dimensions and whatnot…We simply must not leave this behind. Lord only knows what might happen if Wolfram and Hart were left with it for the rest of eternity, especially if they know its secrets, which I doubt because it would most definitely be locked in the very safe we are trying to access tonight…" He holds it even tighter. "I can't wait to learn how to access its power once we get back…Can you imagine the possibilities?"  
  
"Breathe Wesley." I find myself instructing him. "As exciting as this is, we really do have to focus here. First we save lives *THEN* we can think of the possibilities." I stalk over and take the book from him. It's a distraction to him and distractions can prove to be fatal, even if they are only an old book. I tuck it into my weapons bag, where I know it'll be safe.  
  
"You're completely right." He replies, still staring longingly at my weaponry, until he has to physically shake himself out of it. He looks back at me, his jaw set in determination. "Willow and Fred *have* taken care of the security footage on the other floors, haven't they?"  
  
I nod. "Yeah."  
  
"Good. Lets get this done then."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The building shakes violently and bits of the plaster are starting to crumble from the walls and ceiling. I swallow and look over at Wesley. "Come on! We've gotta get out of here NOW! Please tell me you're finished doing whatever it is you were supposed to be doing."  
  
He finishes placing the last of the valuable items (including scrolls, weapons, big heavy books and an assortment of Wolfram and Hart's files) into his knapsack and rises, dusting his hands off as a sign of a successful completion. "Right then." He rushes "All done. Time to go."  
  
He runs to my side and together we speed through the building, leaping down the flights of stairs like there's no tomorrow. Come to think of it, if we don't get out in time, there really *won't* be a tomorrow.  
  
We've made it to the ground floor and sprint through the lobby and fly straight through the double glass doors, both of us escaping with minor cuts and bruises. We don't pause, though. Instead we flee from the rapidly crumbling law firm to Buffy's car, which is parked in an alley a couple of streets away. It seemed only logical that we take hers, as Wolfram and Hart would be kinda suspicious if: a) my car wasn't at the hotel and b) Buffy's car was.  
  
As we near the 4-wheel drive, the ground shakes as the building obviously collapses. The sound can be heard for a mile or so, I'm sure of it. The police and rescue teams will be there in no time…but they'll still be too late. I know, I killed some humans in there tonight…and a bunch of demons…not to mention the lawyers that were working late. But, when I look at the big picture, I can't feel angst over this. Those were evil beings. They were planning on taking me and mine out ASAP and I know that the PTBs will see it fit to skim over it as a trivial detail. I mean, I've done far worse in my time. *This* little act was nothing, really…*and* it was to save the lives of many good people that work for the PTBs as well. The long- term good of this far out-weighs the short-term bad.  
  
I'm sorry if I can't feel guilty for taking those lives. I'm sorry if I should feel the remorse and pain for the families that are probably quite innocent and I've just taken their loved ones from them, but I really can't. I've rid the world of a fair bit of evil tonight. Plus, I've ensured the lives of those closest to me will be safe for the time being…from W&H at any rate.  
  
But, if the Powers really feel that I need to pay for it, I will understand. So I'll have a few more years added before I shanshu. I don't mind. A small price to pay for the fact that Wolfram and Hart is gone. They've lost their files, their most precious possessions and a large portion of their crew…not to mention their home office.  
  
I still don't think the PTBs will hold this against me…I've done them a favour. But, I won't get my hopes up yet. Those guys are really unpredictable. I just can't stop thinking that this actually worked.  
  
Wes and I are in the car now, both beaming from ear to ear as we travel in the opposite direction, watching the ambulances, police cars and fire trucks speed past us. Suddenly the air between us is split with an ear- piercing, high-pitched ringing.  
  
It takes me a few seconds to realise that it's my cell. I flip open the receiver and answer with a cheery "Hello?"  
  
"Hey Angel." Willow's voice crackles in my ear. Bad reception. Yet, I can still note the edge of panic in her voice.  
  
"Willow," I reply, allowing my own voice to become serious, noting to Wesley that all does not seem to be well on the other side of our plan. He looks at me, solemn once more, mouthing the words to me as I as them to Willow. "What's wrong?"  
  
"We've got trouble…I know that everything went well for you guys, but here its gotten really crazy. Tara and I have been using all our strength trying to keep our spells for protection and keeping us hidden going strong…but we can't keep it up forever and downstairs isn't looking too good." She hastily informs me. "I'm watching it on the monitor we set up with our own bugging system and…" She gasps and goes deathly silent.  
  
"Willow?" I prompt. "Willow?!" I'm getting really worried. "Willow! What's going on? Speak to me!"  
  
A strangled moan erupts over the line. "Oh my God…Angel…please you have to get here…" A shriek followed by the word "Xander!" and a bunch of sobs.  
  
I fear the worst. "Willow…" I say, my tone somewhere between instructing her to listen to me and trying to soothe her. "Will, what just happened?"  
  
The redhead starts to reply. "T-they ju-" and the line goes dead. I call her name a few times and realise that it's pointless.  
  
Tossing my phone aside in frustration, I put my foot on the gas and take off towards the Hyperion. It's not over yet and now my people are in serious trouble.  
  
'And everything was going so well.' I think to myself.  
  
Wesley glances at me through the rear view mirror, although due to my lack of reflection it looks as if he's looking at en empty seat. "What's going on?" He asks.  
  
"I don't know." I tell him in all honesty, "But its bad."  
  
"It always is." He murmurs. "Always."  
  
*******************************************  
  
(1)- I hope I got that right. I haven't seen the ep. where he finally got to taste the real goodness of ice-cream (among other things) since it was first aired here in Oz like 2 years ago or more…and seeing as we don't have that particular type here, I think I need special consideration if I got it wrong. ^_^  
  
A/N- well… I don't know what you're thinking now…But I'd sure love to. I was thinking that I might even leave this chapter as the chilling and suspenseful ending. Not that many people are reviewing anymore, so its like you've all lost interest. No matter. You don't want me to continue, I don't mind. However, if you *do* want me to continue, you *have* to tell me. Please post your review. PLEASE. I'm seriously getting the vibe you don't want it. ^_^ thanks again. Bye for now.  
  
Oh! Oh! PS- Please read 'Drawn To You' by Angelic Devils (Mrs O-Town and I). It's a C/A one and is set in an Alternate Reality, so there are no monsters. Everyone is completely human and Cordy's engaged to…Actually that's for you to find out. ^_^ Please read and review it. I'll be eternally grateful. ^_^ 


	25. not the friends. NEVER the friends -buff...

A/N- I got my reviewers back! I love you guys! ^_^ Well.I know that you guys are getting sick of this now.but I figured I couldn't leave it hanging there. This is gonna be the last Buffy chapter.but in what way? I can't tell you what twists lie ahead.so just hold on tight and be prepared for.well. I don't know really. I don't have that much of a plan. To those of you that have been reviewing: I don't know how I coulda done this without you. To those of you who haven't: Well.Thanks for reading, I guess.^_^ (You know it's never to late to review, right?)  
  
*****************************  
  
The demons poured in the second after Angel left. They haven't stopped coming yet. The Fang Gang was right. Wolfram & Hart called in all their Big Bads for this opportunity. The people that Lindsey was with looked less than pleased when they worked out what had happened.  
  
They'd been set-up.  
  
The bitchy one they called Lilah cursed when she saw me bring my team down the stairs. The realisation hit her before it did the others. "Not Again." She'd said. I didn't quite understand why. But when Gunn and his crew joined in and he told me about their role-playing antics a few months ago. I got it. Angel had set them up before.and they'd fallen for it. You know what they say; You fall for it once: Shame on me. You fall for it twice: Shame on you. Or something like that.I know what I'm rambling about, even if nobody else does. (It's kinda harder to be witty when you're getting your ass kicked than it looks, y'know.)  
  
See. just because they'd been set-up, it didn't mean they couldn't hold their own. Before too long our side started to get overpowered. So the bad guys started to get cocky. What they didn't count on, though, was my Vampire boyfriend of now to bound down the stairs with his back-up.  
  
That had done it. It became all out war.  
  
When I'd seen Spike, a surge of adrenaline rushed through me. I couldn't explain it.I just get a power rush when I fight beside him. We move in sync with each other.almost gracefully. There was a time when it had been Angel and I.When it would be Angel to give me the rush of power.But that time's gone. Now I have Spike.and I'm happy. Happier than I can ever remember being with Angel.  
  
Don't get me wrong.I loved him with every part of my being, and he'd loved me, but our relationship wasn't about happiness. It was filled with angst, pain and soul-ripping tension. And that wasn't healthy. Not for him and most definitely not for me.  
  
But it had hurt sooo much when he left. Not because I loved him and couldn't live without him, but because I had nobody to blame for making me miserable. Yeah.I could argue that he made me miserable by leaving, but that would be a lie. He left me so I could find a relationship that made me *happy*. I'll have to thank him for that one of these days.  
  
Where was I again?  
  
Oh.right. So Spike brought in his minions and I felt revamped.pardon the pun. We fought side by side, making our way to the head honchos of this operation. We took out some of the lawyers and demons along the way, sparing Lindsey.just. (What? We'd been told to make it look like he *really* had turned against us.so *they* didn't kill him. The only rule was that we weren't allowed to kill him either.)  
  
Spike had to refrain from attacking the humans, no matter how evil they were. I didn't want him to have a headache tonight. Not if we actually got through this. (What can I say? Faith had been right when she said that Slaying made a Slayer hungry and horny. I can't fight *all* my slayer instincts, now can I?)  
  
But, even after we got through that layer of baddies, more came. And soon enough we started feeling the pressure. Xander joined us with the last of Lorne's friends a little while ago, and I'm trying *not* to concentrate on his lack of fighting ability. I don't need to know he's in trouble right now. I'd rather convince myself that he's holding his own and give him the benefit of the doubt.  
  
My brain pauses for an instant and I wonder whether Angel and Wes were successful on their part. I wonder if they made it out okay. 'Of couse they did.' My brain hisses. 'It's *Angel* we're talkin' about here. You know.He who doesn't *die*? He who doesn't *fail*?' I shake my head and concentrate on the battle at hand. I'm sure they're fine. I just know it. What I should be concentrating on is whether *I'm* still fine.  
  
The big blue thing in front of me swipes one of its slimy claws at me. I dodge and glare defiantly into one of its 7 eyes. "That wasn't nice." I taunt. It bares its razor sharp teeth and flickers its purple forked tongue around. I think I pissed it off.  
  
Meanwhile, Spike's having a fine time trying to fend off 20 or so Vamps, Gunn is battling a couple of Kungai demons and Xander is.hey! Where is Xander?  
  
Going into Autopilot mode, I do a flying roundhouse and snap Mr. Blue-And- Oozy's neck. He falls to the ground and I look around frantically. He's not lying amongst the numerous dead demon bodies.which is good. He's not being pummelled into a bloody pulp like Gunn is.so that's okay.  
  
Wait a second.  
  
I put the thought of finding Xander aside for a second as I go to Gunn's aid. The ogre-thingy bearing down on him never knew what hit it. I snuck up behind him and sliced off its head with its own sword. Stupid creature had just left it lying there for me.  
  
"Thanks." Gunn pants. I smile for a brief second and suddenly remember Xander.  
  
"No problem. Do you know where Xander is? I'm kinda worried." I respond, sensing the Vamps behind me. I spin, still clutching the ogre-beastie's sword, and in one fluid motion decapitate all 5 of them. Gunn stares at me in a mixture of admiration and shock. I raise my eyebrows and prod. "So.You know where he is?"  
  
Unfortunately, Gunn shakes his head. "Sorry girl." He says. "Last time I saw him he was beating the hell outta some vamp."  
  
"When was that?" I ask. "Or more importantly, *where*?"  
  
Gunn shrugs and points down the corridor. "Down there I guess."  
  
I start to follow his directions, but pause as a familiar brown haired someone comes flying down from the upstairs landing and hits the ground of the lobby with a sickening 'smack'.  
  
I stop dead in my tracks. I can't move. I can't think. I'm even finding it hard to breath.  
  
Xander's motionless body is lying right at my feet and I don't know what to do. I gasp and struggle to make my brain kick into gear. Slowly, but surely, I squat down to his side and roll him over. His eyes have rolled back and his nose is most definitely broken. There is a *huge* amount of blood lost from a gash along his forehead. I want to throw up.  
  
I know. I'm the slayer; I see stuff like this everyday. Hell, I even inflict stuff like this everyday.but not on my friends. Xander's been one of my best friends since I moved to SunnyDale when I was 15.it seems so long ago now. We've been through so much together.He even undrowned me once. The idea of losing him forever makes me so scared.I want to throw up.  
  
I take a deep breath and feel for a pulse on him. I panic when I can't feel anything.then its there. Very faint.but he has a pulse. All is not lost yet. He's just unconscious and bleeding heavily. But he's still alive. Thing is; he won't be for much longer. "Hang on Xand." I tell him. "Just hold on for me, okay?"  
  
I get no response. What did I expect? I mean, he's not exactly conscious at the moment, so he probably can't even hear me. My eyes begin to tear up and I start to shake. I don't want to lose him. I can't lose him. I refuse to lose him. Please.don't let me lose him.  
  
"Xander." I plead with him, hoping that maybe, just maybe, the PTBs might bend the rules a little and fix him. He *was* fighting for their side after all. Of course nothing happens and I grab his shoulders and give him a light, desperate shake. "Xander.Please wake up. I need you. Will needs you. Anya.she needs you too. We all do." I'm starting to really lose it now.I can feel the hysteria building up inside me. "Xander! Please! Please.just don't die! Please!" I yell at him. He still doesn't move or make any sound. "Xander!" And now I've lost it. The tears cascade down my face and I sob uncontrollably.  
  
I don't care about fighting the goddamn good fight anymore. The demons and bad guys can do whatever they want to me now.I don't care. Not if Xander doesn't make it. Not if I lose my best friend. Whatever's going on around me can wait 'cos I am *not* leaving his side. Not now and not ever. I can't risk it. If he isn't dead now, he will be if I leave him alone and defenceless.  
  
I jump and swallow my cries at the gentle touch on my shoulder. I look up to see Spike. "How bad is it, Luv?" he asks tentatively, motioning at Xander's limp body.  
  
I shake my head. I can't seem to find my voice anymore. I try to clear my throat and end up sobbing all over again. Spike squats down beside me and pulls me against his chest. I bawl my eyes out into his shirt, but he doesn't seem to mind. He just holds me close and rubs my back, muttering reassurances every so often.  
  
I pull away and wipe at my eyes, slightly ashamed at showing Spike just how vulnerable I really am. I try once again to clear my throat and start to talk. My voice comes out cracked and strained. "He.he's still alive.but only just."  
  
"I know, Pet." He informs me gently. "His pulse is quite faint."  
  
I look into Spike's big blue eyes and, for a split second, note how soulful they are. (Which is ridiculous 'cos Spike doesn't have a soul.) I implore his caring gaze with my own teary one. "H-he's gonna make it, right?" I ask softly.  
  
If Spike is unsure, he sure doesn't show it. He just pulls me back into his embrace and whispers, "I know he will, luv."  
  
It sounds so strange, but this is what I need right now. Just to be held like a five year old and told that everything's gonna work out. I sigh against Spike's chest and nuzzle against him. I don't want to move, but I know I have to. I pull away once more.  
  
"I have to go fight, don't I?" I ask.  
  
Spike nods slowly. "Yes, Luv, you do." He replies. "I'll watch the whelp if you like. Its just that.I can't fight the human ones, y'know, with this soddin' chip in my head.So the ringleaders at the moment are kinda outta my league if you know what I'm sayin'."  
  
I manage a dim smile. "Well, I'll just have to go in there and give 'em a double whammy. So its like we've both had our turns."  
  
"That's my girl." He says. I stand up and dust myself off.  
  
I give him one last glance as I exit. "Wish me demons.I mean, *lawyers*."  
  
"Same dif!" I hear him call after me. "'Cept I can't hit the lawyers!"  
  
The first beast charges at me and I dodge it, allowing it to run straight into the wall behind me. Some creatures are all brawn and no brain. Literally. This thing seemed to have no brain. In fact, it didn't even have a head. Just a snout full of razor sharp teeth protruding out of its furry stump of a body. The 7 legs kinda got to me though. It was like a sick and demented spider.with teeth.  
  
I don't even bat an eyelid at the sound it makes when it collides with the wall. Instead I have one thing on my mind: Kill the sons of bitches that hired the help that hurt my best friend.  
  
"You know.You people just don't get it." I say, suddenly full of rage. I start shoving bad guys out of my way as I head to the big bads of this operation. "You don't seem to understand that no matter what you do, *we're* always going to win." I shove another demon aside and it creates a domino effect. From the corner of my eye I see another 5 go down. "You don't know what you're dealing with here. Face it. We're more than you can handle. So you can go away now, with your many demonic tails between your legs, or you can stay and get slaughtered. It's your call really."  
  
"Now, I'm kinda hoping they'll choose the slaughter option." Another voice breaks in. I smile a little. Angel is back and ready to party. I look up at him when he reaches my side. He looks back down at me, his face grave. "Xander." He prompts. "Is he.Willow said."  
  
I manage another tiny smile. "He's alive.just."  
  
"Buffy." He says quietly ".Are you-"  
  
I cut him off with a wave of my hand. "I'm fine. Xander, on the other hand, isn't." Unfortunately, that came out a bit harsher than I intended. I look up at him slightly apologetically. "Look Angel. Small talk comes later. Right now I've got some demon ass to kick."  
  
A wry grin crawls onto his face. "Mind if I join you?"  
  
His grin is a little infectious. "My pleasure." I find myself responding.  
  
Together we fight side by side and I almost miss the good ol' days. Almost. He and Spike are so different.but they've got so much in common too. Not just the vampire thing. Or the falling in love with a slayer.there's so much more. Angel will always be my first love.the man that brought me into womanhood.in more than one way. He didn't just make love to me.he taught me so much about the world and the people in it.  
  
But Spike brought me to life.I mean *real* life. He didn't want to me to be someone I wasn't. He would just sit and let me rant and take all my crap out on him. And he didn't falter or get uncomfortable. Angel would argue with me. He'd try to be the voice of reason and would make everything about him somehow. But Spike.he knows how to handle me.  
  
"I remember a time when this was an *us* thing." Angel pants, reminiscing like I have been.  
  
I smile back at him before lobbing the head off yet another vampire. "Me too."  
  
I hear him chuckle a little and finish off one of his opponents. "Now it's a you and Spike thing, right?" He half asks.  
  
"Angel," I reply sternly, not taking my eyes of the black fuzzy thing in front of me. "Now is not the time to-"  
  
"-That's not what I meant." He insists, suddenly standing in front of me, sword raised. "Duck." I do as I'm told and he brings the blade down, killing the other fuzzy demon behind me. He pauses and looks at me seriously. "I just.hope he's pulling his weight, y'know. Taking care of you."  
  
I smile in wonder as he turns to rejoin the fight. "He is.And Angel?" He turns to face me again. "Thank you. For everything."  
  
He looks confused. "Buffy.I didn't-"  
  
"-You've done more for me than you'll ever know. So thank you."  
  
Although he still looks confused, he nods. He pauses for a second then smiles. "Now.what do you say we go after Lilah and Co. once and for all?"  
  
"I thought you'd never ask." I reply with a smile of my own. Then we go in for the kill.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"God.Look at this mess would you?" Cordelia hollers, making her way across the lobby floor. There are demon carcasses strewn all over the place, things have been smashed into trillions of pieces, there are huge gaping holes in the walls and it looks as if 20 bombs have gone off. She walks over to what is left of her desk and sighs. "Well. I *have* been nagging at Angel to redecorate for a while .Guess he can't avoid it now."  
  
Angel manages a small smile as he limps up beside me, nuzzling Connor against his chest like a lifeline. "Unfortunately, I think she has a point."  
  
Lindsey and Spike hobble over to the reassembling group, supporting a now conscious and all patched up Xander between them. I look at Lindsey and he smiles at me, allowing his gaze to travel towards Cordelia. He looks her over, allowing his concern to show.  
  
Before he can say anything to her, I walk over and take his place holding Xander up. "Go on." I tell him. "You know you wanna."  
  
His eyes light up and he smiles gratefully. "Thank you." He says. I nod to let him know that I understand the true depth of his gratitude. I watch as he limps over to Cordy and pulls her into his arms. She smiles up at him and looks all of his visible wounds over carefully. I look away and find a familiar icy blue pair of eyes inspecting me.  
  
"I'm fine Spike," I say gently.  
  
"Just checkin' pet." He responds.  
  
Xander rolls his eyes and makes a gagging noise. "Spare me." He pleads. Laughing, Spike and I help him onto a seat that's *not* covered in any dead bodies, and only has minimal slime. Anya walks over and starts to fuss over him as well.  
  
"Well.we won.*again*." Gunn says happily, also making his way over.  
  
Wesley smiles. "For now." He informs us. "I can't help but worry that they will be back in business in a couple of years.After all, they *do* harbour offices in other dimensions."  
  
"Wes." Angel warns lightly. ".We'll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then.you've got all those nice books to play with and-"  
  
"There is no use patronising me Angel." Wes jokes back. Then he gets serious again. "But we cannot dismiss the notion that they might return."  
  
Gunn pats his friend on the back. "We know Wes.but for now you gotta sit back, relax and enjoy our victory."  
  
The ex-Watcher breaks into a huge grin. "Quite." He says, then takes a longer look around the room. "But can we do that *after* we dispose of this.er." He pokes at one of the demons lying before him, ".disarray?"  
  
"I think." Angel says, moving past Lilah's unconscious (not dead.yet) form. "That's a pretty good idea." He glances up at us, a smirk playing on his features. "But I'm *not* moving the bodies or cleaning up the slime or-"  
  
"Excuse me?" Cordy cuts in, total disbelief fuelling her voice. "What *are* you doing then?"  
  
Angel shuffles his feet. "I.I was gonna.I mean.Maybe.I just thought I could- "  
  
"You thought you could leave the hard work to everyone else.Like say; The completely exhausted, the injured, the *pregnant*." She hisses. "I hate to tell you, but exposing me to the industrial strength chemicals may not be the best idea right now.and all the blood and guts aren't the best help either.I mean, I've been throwing up enough lately, thank you very much. And need I remind you-"  
  
"No Cordelia." Angel sighs, "I get the point. I will not leave all the hard, messy work for everyone else. I *also* get the hint with the 'not getting you to do too much hard work for the next few months' thing as well." He rushes before she can speak again. She smiles triumphantly. He sets his stare on Lindsey. "You'll probably hear this a lot from her in a few months, but you're gonna pay for doing this to her. I've lost.I mean.*Angel Investigations* has lost one of its' best fighters.and probably its' seer for the next 7 months or so." He smiles at Cordelia and Lindsey collectively, to let them know that he's not being overly serious and looks down at the sleeping child in his arms. "But it'll be worth it. You'll see."  
  
Lindsey smiles back at him broadly, and snakes his arm around Cordy's soon- to-expand waist, pulling her even tighter into his embrace. "Thanks." He says genuinely. Cordelia nods her agreement and snuggles up next to her beau.  
  
Angel looks at the woman he's probably still in love with and smiles somewhat sadly.  
  
That's it.Time for someone to change the topic while nobody's in tears yet. "Hey." I find myself chirping. (I *chirp*? Since when do I *chirp*?) "Are we gonna start cleaning soon or are the bodies gonna throw themselves out?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Okey dokey.I'm all done." I say brightly, dusting off my clothes as if the action will somehow prove it. "No more blood and guts for me."  
  
Gunn and Spike saunter over to join me. "Or us." Gunn informs us. "We're finished as well."  
  
Not long later, everyone is once again assembled in the lobby. The place is looking a lot more like a hotel. A hotel after an earthquake, yes, but still a hotel (as opposed to the demonic nuclear bomb testing site it resembled before).  
  
"So." Willow says, taking a seat on the now clean couch (which is all credit to yours truly), ".We can party now?"  
  
Wes is nodding and about to reply when Angel cuts in. "Not just yet." He says. We all turn to look at him a little cranky (or, in my case, a LOT cranky). He looks at Cordelia, "We've still got one more piece of business to attend to."  
  
She raises an eyebrow. "And that would be?"  
  
"Oracles.You and I.We have to find out about the effects of your visions, remember?" Angel replies softly, obviously afraid he's treading on thin ice.  
  
She nods, but says, "Can't we party first? Go out to dinner and celebrate everything and *then* go to the Oracles?" He looks at her seriously for a second, and she bats her big lashes at him. "Come on Angel.We deserve a break for a little while.Please."  
  
He sighs and puts his hands up in defeat. "Okay.You win. We party.but *then* we go find out about the visions. Got it?"  
  
Cordelia nods again, this time eagerly. We wait in silence for a few seconds and she speaks up again. "So," she begins, "Where are we gonna eat?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Promise me you'll call." The brunette instructs, throwing her arms around my neck.  
  
"Cross my heart." I smile. "And promise me that *you'll* call too."  
  
Cordelia smiles and pulls away. "Definitely."  
  
We're all standing outside the Hyperion, piling our luggage back into the cars. The Fang Gang is farewelling us, and it's like the end of a big family reunion. It's amazing how close I've become with Cordelia. And with Angel. It's all so different now. Everything has changed.but not in a bad way. 4 to 5 years ago I'd never *ever* have seen this coming. Any of it. But here we are and it's not uncomfortable. It's actually quite sad to leave this time.  
  
"If you don't keep me up-to-date with all the LA non-demony news." I warn playfully, ".I'm gonna drive all the way back here to kick your butt."  
  
She laughs. "And if *you* don't keep *me* up-to-date with all the SunnyDale non-hellmouthy news, I'll do the same to you."  
  
"Fair enough." I chuckle.  
  
Spike walks up beside me and loops his arm around my shoulders. "And cheerleader, feel free to bring the Lawyer and the pint sized one, when it finally arrives, to good ol' SunnyHell for a visit." He tells her. I lean against his chest and nod my approval.  
  
"We've got the room." I insist.  
  
Cordelia nods. "And, hey, if you ever want to visit us, you're totally welcome." She looks towards the curb, where everyone else has already started getting into cars, "That goes for every one of you!" She calls.  
  
Angel looks up and over at us, "I've already told them that." He states, and then turns back to saying goodbye to Willow. Cordelia pulls me back into a bear hug.  
  
"Thank you.for everything." She whispers.  
  
"Hey.No problem." I murmur in reply, once again pulling away to look her in the eye seriously. "Anytime you need anything.you know who to call."  
  
"Yeah.Ghostbusters." Lindsey jokes, walking over and taking his girl into his arms.  
  
She hits him on the arm looking unimpressed. "That's not funny." She states. "You've gotta avoid making comments like that.otherwise Dennis won't let you into my apartment.and even if he does, say goodbye to the sex.Believe me, he really does know how to ruin the mood."  
  
Lindsey laughs. "I get it. No more ghost extermination jokes." He looks down at her and winks. "Forgive me?"  
  
She kisses him. "I'll try." She responds, her eyes shining with laughter.  
  
Spike coughs pointedly. "Get a room."  
  
"We will once you're gone." Comes Cordy's snarky retort.  
  
We all chuckle and walk down the steps to the sidewalk. The moon shines down on us and it reminds me of countless 'goodbye' scenes from cheesy old movies. I give each member of the AI team one last squeeze and hop into the car. As we pull away from the curb, I look in the rear-view mirror to see everyone, bar Angel (due to his lack of reflection), waving us off.  
  
It was an interesting trip to say the least. But I'll have a lot to tell Dawn and Giles at any rate. Angel and Connor.Cordy, Lindsey and an up coming baby.Their futures all seem so promising.I can only wonder what lies in the future for me.  
  
It's not like I can see myself as a mom.especially if I'm with a dead guy. Of course I can always adopt, but Social Services would never let me. God.it's all so hard. Hmm. You know what? I shouldn't be looking to the future. I mean, at the moment I have Spike, a bunch of close friends, a sister and a father-figure that all love and care for me. I don't have to care about the future when I've got the present.  
  
With that in mind, I smile. No matter what happens, as long as I've got these guys, I know I'll be content. I can only hope that everything goes well for the AI gang and that they'll be just as happy, if not happier. After all, they really do deserve it.  
  
********************************  
  
A/N(again)- Well.Buffy's gone. Told ya I'd get rid of her. Pity I let Spike go with her.he's mine! Lol.Okay.so maybe he's not.but I can still dream, right? ^_^ Anyway.what'd you think of the chapter? I know the end scene was crappy (especially the last bit in the car with her inner monologue.bleck). I just lost inspiration for it. If you've got any suggestions, any at all, please feel free to let me know. ^_^ I'm always open to ideas. Well.I'll let you go with one last plead for reviews. PLEASE GIVE ME THE FEEDBACK! I *need* the response from you, I really, really do.  
  
Thanks once more.  
  
*Insane1* 


	26. surprise? -Cordy pov

Cordy 26  
  
A/N- Hmmm..That last chapter was a flop. I've been getting email type feedback though, and I've had a new burst of inspiration for this. ^_^ LOTS AND LOTS OF THANKS TO IMZADI. A lot of the ideas are hers and I really would have been lost without her help. So I'm really in her debt at the moment. ^_^ Anywhos..with the Scoobies gone, I'm gonna start winding up from here. I'm thinking 3-4 more chapters and an epilogue are all that's required now. More information will be revealed in later chapters. I promise. For now, all I ask is that you read and review. Simple enough? Good. Thanks again for your support.  
  
*************************  
  
"Cordelia!" Angel's voice calls for the fifth time. "We've gotta get going now!"  
  
He's been pacing around downstairs for a while now. "Hang on!" I shout back. I glance at Lindsey through the dresser mirror. He's not looking too impressed. In fact, I'd say he's looking a little ticked off. I sigh and catch his gaze through the reflection. "Alright," I begin, turning around to look at him face-to-face. "What's up?"  
  
Lindsey shrugs nonchalantly and forces a smile. "What do you mean?"  
  
Rolling my eyes, I move to sit beside him on the bed. I take his hand in mine and look into his eyes. "Its obvious something is bugging you..You're not exactly putting out a happy vibe."  
  
"When did you become Lorne?" He raises an eyebrow and smirks a little.  
  
Although I'd usually find the gesture cute, I see it for the lame attempt at shifting my attention that it is, and I frown at him. "Lindsey..We've had this conversation before. You've gotta start *talking* to me."  
  
Suddenly it seems as if he's finding his shoes extremely interesting. "You're not gonna like what's bugging me." He mutters.  
  
I reach out and lift his chin up. He looks at me and I sigh for dramatic emphasis. "Listen to me. We're having a baby. If we can't communicate with each other.." I trail off. I know I've made my point. "..This is another Angel related thing, isn't it?" I ask after a few moments silence.  
  
Lindsey nods. "I'm just..I'm worried. Angel..he.." He pauses and goes to rephrase. "I know that you guys are family..and that he is looking out for you..but I don't know about this Oracles thing. I mean..what if..what if going to see them..what if the baby.."  
  
Now he's rambling, and voicing the fears that I was trying to keep hidden. "I know, sweetie." I say. "But I trust Angel here. I know he's not going to put me or our child in danger. I trust him. And I even kinda trust the Powers. They wouldn't put their seer in danger either.." I stop and smile gently. "You don't have to worry-"  
  
"Yes I do!" He argues, cutting me off. "I have to worry. I can't sit back and pretend that in this world we live in..that in the line of work we're associated with everything's gonna be perfect. Something always seems to go wrong..I..I have to worry about you and my baby..I have to. If I wasn't worried, you'd have to be worried about me."  
  
"Lindsey.." I begin. I really don't know what to say. There are so many things I want to tell him..But I don't know where to start. I decide to start with the most important part. "I love you. You know that, right?"  
  
He uses his beautiful blue eyes to look me over. I smile at him as his hands move up and cup my face. "I know." He whispers. All the love in the world fills his voice. "I love you too. You know that, right?"  
  
I close my eyes and nod lightly. "You wouldn't be here with me right now if you didn't." I whisper in response.  
  
"Good." His lips have moved closer. I can feel them brush against my own as he speaks. Softly he presses his lips to mine, a tender gesture to remind me just how much he cares.  
  
I return the kiss and run my hand through his soft hair. As we pull away, I keep my eyes closed, savouring the moment. It's not that different to any of the other kisses we've shared, but I still want to enjoy every second of being with Lindsey. It still seems completely surreal.  
  
"Marry me?" He murmurs.  
  
I hear his words and my eyes fly open. "What?" I ask incredulously. "Did you just ask me to..What I mean is..Did you mean to.." I'm finding it hard to piece my thoughts together. I look at him, feeling the tears prickling at my eyes and I try to bat them away. He couldn't have meant that..could he? I mean, he couldn't have planned it..It must have been on the spur of the moment..So does he mean it? Does he want to take it back?  
  
He pulls my hands to his chest and holds them there. "I asked you to marry me." He responds. Smiling tenderly he adds, "And I did mean it. Cordelia," He slides off the bed and sits before me on bended knee, "Will you marry me?"  
  
"Oh God..I..I..Wow.." A tear escapes and rolls down my cheek as I look down at him. I shake my thoughts clear and nod. "Yes."  
  
"Really?" He asks. His eyes are gleaming and he can barely contain his excitement.  
  
More tears start to roll down my face as I reach for him. I pull him up and guide my lips to his. "*Really* really. I love you..and I want to be your wife."  
  
"I love you so much." Lindsey manages, right before we melt into a passionate kiss. Not 10 seconds later we are jolted out of it by a sharp rap at the door.  
  
"Cordy..Is everything okay in there?" Angel calls.  
  
I grunt in frustration as I pull away from Lindsey. "Yes!" I practically hiss. I stand up and look at Lindsey apologetically. "I'm sorry..I've gotta go. But hopefully, when I come back, we can continue this..*and* I should have an answer about keeping our baby safe from the vision crap."  
  
I open the door as Lindsey stands up and walks over to me. Angel is staring at me with his usual intense gaze. He gives me a small smile and arches an eyebrow. "Ready?"  
  
I look up at Lindsey, finding his arms wrapping around my waist. Smiling at my fiancé, I nod. Lindsey leans down and kisses me on the cheek. I twist around so that my lips have met his again. Reluctantly he pulls back. "Don't be long." He instructs, a smile creeping its way back onto his chiselled face.  
  
I nod again and notice Angel standing in the doorway in obvious discomfort. "Anyway..We'd better get going. Right Angel?" I state. The vampire smiles at me, nods and even tries to smile at Lindsey. We both see right through his feeble attempt at being nice, but let it go. There's gonna be lots of time for arguments and awkward silence later.  
  
God, it's going to hurt him when we announce the engagement, but I know he'll deal with it. He's my family and he knows how much I need him right now. He knows how much I need his support.  
  
I have to force myself to leave Lindsey and walk down the hall with Angel. "So.." Angel says, breaking the not-so-comfortable silence. "Everything's going well? With Lindsey, I mean. You're happy?"  
  
"Yes. I'm happy." I reply. "I'm more than happy right now." As my thoughts drift back to Lindsey, I start to think of the turn we've just taken. Looking everywhere but at Angel I quietly repeat, "We're more than happy.."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Ah..The Oracles. Let's just say I'm not really comfortable here. The male is arguing with Angel, while the female keeps looking at my stomach almost whimsically. "Seer.." She says after a while. Her voice is soft and her tone measured. "You are with child now."  
  
I have to smile. "That's not exactly something we didn't know."  
  
She actually rolls her eyes at me. "I wasn't finished." She says, breaking every single one of her supposed 'mystical and cryptic' traits. A glare comes from the male and she straightens her back and seems to get back into character. "You are with child now, and are worried of the repercussions of your gift. You fear that your gift will be harmful. Is this correct?"  
  
I lose my smile and sober up at mention of harm to my child. "Yes. It is."  
  
"Your fears.." She begins, then pauses to glance over at her male protégé. He gestures for her to keep going. She looks back at me and continues. "Your fears were not without reason. Of course, it is too early to have caused any damage. As we do not allow any harm to come to innocent lives through our own gifts of good, we will allow you to make the appropriate decision as to what will happen. Let it to be known that it is up to you now." She stops for a second to let this sink in. After a moment she says, "You seek to rid yourself of your Gift. Is this correct?" I nod and she trails on. "It is not standard procedure to remove a seer's powers. This is usually forbidden. However, under the circumstances, We are prepared to relieve you of your visions, seer, but once they are gone.."  
  
"I won't get them back." I finish for her. She nods and I look over at Angel. He's probably just heard the same news from the male and I can tell he's not too thrilled either. He looks over at me and I smile sadly. I look back at her. "But my baby will be safe?"  
  
Her head bobs up and down in assurance. "No harm will come. Are you sure this is what you wish? As you are a messenger for the Powers That Be, certain measures *could* be taken and you could keep your gift..We've taken time backwards before-"  
  
I'm horrified at what she's suggesting. "No!" I exclaim, my hand moving to my stomach in a protective gesture. I glare at her determinedly. "*Nobody* is taking my baby away from me. I *want* this-"  
  
"But it was not foreseen..You had not planned-"  
  
"Look. I know I didn't plan on getting pregnant..*Especially* not to Lindsey..And I'll admit that I wasn't exactly happy about it when I first found out..But I've had time to think about it..And I've realised that I love this baby." I lower my voice and try not to get too emotional. "And I love its father. I couldn't live knowing that-"  
  
"Then you have made your decision? You choose to surrender your gift?" She asks sharply, cutting me off once more.  
  
I look at her, resolve etched on all my features. My jaw set in place, I calmly state, "Yes. I choose to keep my baby, and keep it safe. I am giving up my visions."  
  
She smiles serenely. "Then it is done." She leans forward and whispers so that the male can't hear, (though I doubt it matters if they are cosmically and psychically connected) "Good luck, *Ms* Chase."  
  
My eyes widen in shock as she resumes her 'high-and-mighty' stance again. "How did you.."  
  
"That, as you mortals say, is for me to know and you to never find out." Is her reply, followed by a sly wink.  
  
I move to respond, but the walls are fading out around me and pretty soon I'm just standing in a dank, dark basement with Angel alone. I throw my hands into the air and look upwards, a huge grin breaking onto my face. "Thank you!" I call, my voice a whirlwind of emotions. I don't know how to feel right now. Happy that my child is safe from the visions? A little depressed that my job as Angel's seer is over and we don't share that bond anymore? Still in shock that she knew I was engaged? Worried about how to tell Angel about Lindsey and I? I don't care about how to feel right now, to tell you the truth. All I know is that sometimes we make choices and something right usually comes from them. Somehow I know that a lot of good has come from this. I just know.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
As we trudge back to the Hyperion, Angel looks at me again. He hasn't said anything yet. I guess he's waiting for me to make the first move. I mean, I *should* be the first to speak, considering this is all happening because of me. But what do I say? There's so much..I just don't know where to start.  
  
When he looks down at me once more I catch his eyes with mine. Swallowing, I open my mouth to say something. At this point, anything would be helpful. However, nothing comes out. I sigh disappointedly, and look back down at my feet, while Angel looks away again. We spend a few minutes in awkward silence until the words "Lindsey proposed." Fly out of my mouth.  
  
Angel stops in his tracks. He spins to look at me, somewhere between devastated and shocked. "What?" He asks, his tone a mixture of the same emotions.  
  
I look into his eyes. "Lindsey asked me to marry him."  
  
The manpire in front of me looks as if he's about to hyperventilate. Slowly and quietly he asks, "What did you tell him?"  
  
"I..I said yes." I prepare myself for the outburst of pent-up emotion, but it never comes.  
  
Angel looks to the ground sadly. "Congratulations." He says.  
  
"Thanks for the enthusiasm." I quip, trying to lighten the mood. No such luck. Okay, new approach. "Angel, look at me." He raises his eyes back up to me and I continue. "I know that you're not exactly happy about this..and I know that you're trying to accept Lindsey, I do, but I need you to try harder. I need you to be happy for me and I need you to accept this. But, most importantly, I need *you*. You're my family. If you're not gonna be here for me, I don't know what I'm gonna do.." The tears are forming again and I curse my hormones once more. "Angel..Please, don't hate me for this. Don't hate me. Please.."  
  
His arms wrap around me and I bawl onto his shoulder. He gently rubs my back. "Cordy..I could never *ever* hate you. You don't expect me to believe that you thought I could, do you?"  
  
I rub at my eyes and mumble, "I don't know..It's all so scary. I've changed everything. I'm not even your seer anymore.." And that thought sets me off again. I howl against him and sob even harder. "You can't still care about me after all of this..You can't..Not now..I'm not your seer..I never will be..I've ruined-"  
  
"Cordelia." Angel's voice is firm as cuts me off and pulls me from his shoulder to look me in the eye. His stare is hard and determined, yet there is still that element of love in it that brings me comfort. "You are my family. My only family. No matter what happens, I'll *never* stop loving you. The seer-champion thing was just a mechanism that helped to make our bond stronger. I don't care if you're my seer or not. You will always be one of the most important women in my life. You've changed me and, damnit Cordy, I am so happy for you. And I'm so proud of you. The fact that you're happy is what's important to me. Not *why* you're happy, not *who's making* you happy, not even what measures you take in order to be happy..Just that you are. I can't begin to describe how much I care about you. Do you understand?"  
  
I want to believe him, but I still can't help but think I'm hurting him. It's kinda funny, really. Once upon a time, I didn't give a damn what other people thought of me, especially Angel. I never even used to care whether my own parents were proud of me..But I can't bear the thought of disappointing, or upsetting, Angel.  
  
Looking into his eyes, I realise he's waiting for my reply. I find myself nodding very slowly, wiping at my eyes and trying to control my hitching breath. "I know..But-"  
  
"No." Again he cuts me off. "No 'but' anythings. Do you understand that you could never *ever* disappoint me?"  
  
"I *could* though..And I have. I've made so many mistakes and-"  
  
"We all make mistakes. But good things can come of them. And again I will tell you that you *cannot* disappoint me. You have *not* disappointed me. And if you even think of arguing with me one more time-"  
  
"But I have to argue. Have you ever known me to keep my opinions to myself?"  
  
He starts to chuckle a little at that. His gentle laughter is infectious and before long I'm giggling as well. After our laughing subsides, I smile up at him. "Thankyou..For everything. For understanding. For not hating me. For being here..Thankyou."  
  
"No Cordy," He replies, shaking his head and starting forward once more. "Thank *you*."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Honey," I call playfully, stepping into the lobby of the Hyperion. "I'm home!"  
  
Almost immediately, Lindsey appears in front of me, an almost relieved look on his face. I say 'almost' relieved, because even though I appear to be in a good mood, he's probably still worried about what the Oracles had to say. "Hey," He says, studying every inch of me carefully.  
  
I smile. "I'm fine. Baby's fine too."  
  
"Really?" He actually heaves a sigh of relief. "That's great. It's better than great..It's excellent! It sounds completely unprofessional, but I can't help saying 'I Told You So'." He runs forward and embraces me, lifting me off the ground and swinging me around with joy. I laugh and hug him tightly. When he puts me down, he becomes serious again. "What happened at the Oracles?"  
  
I take a deep breath and explain everything. Every tiny detail of the conversation with the female still etched in my brain. When I get to the part where I give up my visions, Lindsey looks a little guilty.  
  
"I'm sorry," He interrupts. "I know how much your visions meant to you."  
  
I smile and take his hand in mine. "No. Don't be. I gave them up for something so much more special. For something I wouldn't have had without you."  
  
He nods and I finish up the story. A few seconds later he asks, "How did Angel take it?"  
  
"Oh..He said that he was happy for me. That as long as I was happy and safe, he was happy."  
  
Lindsey shakes his head and looks to the ground. "I didn't really mean about the visions."  
  
"Neither did I." I respond.  
  
"So you told him about being engaged?" He sounds somewhere between relieved and surprised. He probably thought I was waiting until the right time or something.  
  
Nodding, I reply, "Yeah. I did."  
  
"And he didn't threaten to kill me?" I laugh a little at Lindsey's less- than-serious question. He raises an eyebrow and crosses his arms over his chest in mock offence. "What? It was a serious question." I giggle even more and he grins, before sobering and asking in all seriousness, "He was honestly okay with it?"  
  
"Well..when I told him about us he was a *little* taken aback, but he wasn't homicidal or anything like that. He just wants me to be happy. He wants what's best for me..And I've made it clear that *you* are what's best for me. *You* make me happy. And he accepts that." (I think..Or at least he's trying to accept that.)  
  
My fiancé leans in and kisses me gently. There is so much that remains unspoken between us, but right now I'm happy without talking. There's been enough of that for one day.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Well..It's official. I'm putting on weight. This baby is making me fat. I knew that at 9 weeks it was supposed to be like 5cm long (or something to that measure)..but I never thought 5cm inside me could make a difference *outside* me. Of course, when I called to make the appointment for my first ultra-sound, my doctor pointed out that with the extra lining and stuff in my uterine wall, the swelling was gonna become more noticeable pretty much each day. Not so much to others mind you, but to me definitely. Still, I hate this already. I have a bump in my once-perfect cheerleader body. A growing bump. And as much as I'm gonna love this kid, if I can't look good in these clothes for at least another 2 weeks, I will be cranky.  
  
"Cordy.." Linsey says, walking up behind me. "Please tell me you're not moping in front of the mirror again."  
  
I spin on him, suddenly furious. "I *DON'T* mope! If you even *think* that again I'll have Dennis kick you out!" As I say it, a hairbrush bobs up and down excitedly in the air. (Dennis and Lindsey don't exactly get along too well.)  
  
His eyes shine with laughter. "Uh huh." He says, not exactly sounding convinced. "Sure."  
  
I hit him on the arm and indignantly turn back to my reflection. Like I said, it may not be noticeable to others but I can see my stomach protruding a little further than usual. I scrunch my nose up in disapproval and reach for my sweater. Once it's on, I look at the mirror and find that my bump is no longer noticeable, not even to me; The Woman With The Eagle Eye. Actually, I look pretty damn good. (Especially for someone that spent a good half hour throwing up this morning.) I took a leaf out of Angel's book and went for black pants and a deep red, almost maroon, sweater. And as much as I like to tell him how important colours are, I gotta admit the outfit looks excellent.  
  
Now that I'm satisfied with the way I look, I turn back to Lindsey. "Okay," I begin. "I'm ready."  
  
He beams back at me. "It's about time." Sliding his arms around my waist, he pulls me in for a kiss.  
  
The hairbrush drops down onto my bed, almost indignantly, and I can only imagine Dennis pouting. The thought causes me to giggle and Lindsey pulls away, looking less than impressed.  
  
"Hey.." He says, "The last time I got that sort of reaction from a girl when I went in for the kiss was in 5th grade..and she wasn't exactly a pro either-"  
  
I burst into fits of laughter. He crosses his arms over his chest defensively. "Two words: Not Funny."  
  
"No." I manage to gasp between laughs. "It's not that.." I pause and giggle even more. "It's just you're sooo gorgeous. I was laughing at Dennis and-" At this, my bedroom door wings open and shuts dramatically.  
  
"I think you just hurt Casper's feelings." Lindsey informs me in a tone that is *way* too serious.  
  
I roll my eyes and try to calm myself. "Don't call him that." I chuckle.  
  
"Oh right. 'Cos 'Phantom Dennis' is much better."  
  
I narrow my eyes, but my continual giggling gives me away. Forcing myself to sober up, I look at Lindsey and point at the bed. "Sit and Stay."  
  
As I move out the door, I can hear Lindsey call after me. "Hey! I'm not a dog! Not even your lapdog! I refuse to be treated like I am. I object!"  
  
I turn. "Did I say 'Speak'?"  
  
His reply is a tiny "No."  
  
I smile to myself. "Good. Now Stay."  
  
I make my way into the kitchen and attempt to make peace with Dennis. Once that issue is settled, Lindsey and I make our way to the Hyperion. Even though I'm not the seer anymore, I still have work to do there. And I need to discuss Maternity Leave with my employer(s). Lindsey's even volunteered to help Wes with research and stuff, which I think is so sweet. After we check in, I've gotta head of to the doctor. Got my first sonogram today. I can't wait to see a picture of my baby. I wonder whether it's a girl or a boy? Do I even want to know? I mean..Lindsey might want a surprise.  
  
Oh Crap! Lindsey! I forgot to tell him about the appointment. I wonder if he'll want to come too.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"What do you mean this is the first time you're going?!" Lindsey exclaims angrily.  
  
We're currently at the Hyperion, and every set of eyes is on me. Connor whinges, and as Angel picks him up, he looks at me. "I'm gonna agree with Lindsey on this one. Isn't it customary to go..like..right after you find out or something?"  
  
"Gee," I respond, sounding frustrated. I place my hands on my hips as I speak. "There's an idea. Now..Lets see..After *I* found out, I was in a state of shock. I had to figure out what I was gonna do, how I was gonna tell you..whether I'd even be able to tell Lindsey..I had to come to *work* no less, with those thoughts bugging me. Seriously, the last thought on my mind was booking an appointment to have the kid's photo taken."  
  
Lindsey shakes his head and moves towards me. "I think it's a little more important than that." He says. "To make sure that the baby is healthy and-"  
  
"I hate to admit this, but the baby's health? Not exactly the first thing I thought about." I reply, cutting him off. "I mean, when I found out..I didn't think of it as a baby..I thought of it as an obstacle. I was being selfish..I was in shock. And then, by the time I was ready to accept it, all the crap with Wolfram & Hart started up..and I got sidetracked."  
  
Lindsey nods slowly. "What time's your appointment?" He asks, realising that no amount of arguing or telling me what I should have done is going to change what has been and gone.  
  
"Eleven." I answer. "You wanna come?"  
  
A huge grin crawls across his face. "I wouldn't miss it for the world."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Miss Chase?"  
  
Lindsey and I look up as my name is called. A pretty nurse with short blonde hair is smiling at me. "The doctor will see you now." She tells us.  
  
"Thanks," I reply, standing up along side Lindsey.  
  
She starts to walk down the hall and we follow her into the examination room. She hands me one of those hospital gown things. "Here," She says, "Dr. Kline will be here any second." She moves and draws across a curtain to provide me with a make-shift change room.  
  
After I'm changed, she helps me onto the examination table and prepares me for the sonogram, making with the small talk as she does. When the doctor walks in, she smiles at us and wishes us luck.  
  
We thank her and the doctor introduces himself. "Hi," He says, his green eyes shining, "Cordelia, was it? I'm doctor Kline." He extends his hand, smiling. "But it's a bit too formal for me, so you can call me Nick."  
  
Lindsey grunts, clearly unhappy that my obstetrician is a man, a young man at that, and that I'm getting along with him so well. Gotta admit the guy is kinda..okay..really good looking. Think George Clooney in his ER days, only in his 20s.  
  
I ignore Lindsey's obvious discomfort and smile back at the man from my slightly-reclined state, leaning forward, taking his hand and shaking it lightly. "Nice to meet you." Lindsey clears his throat pointedly and glares at me. I hit my forehead and pretend to look sheepish. "Oh my god!" I proclaim, "I'm sorry. I swear I'd forget my head if it wasn't screwed on." I giggle and point to my fiancé, though you would never guess he was with the way I'm flirting here. Honest to god I don't know why I am. It's like I'm suddenly on heat or something. Hang on..Its gotta be the hormones again. Shaking my thoughts away, I say "This is Lindsey."  
  
Lindsey takes Nick's hand and shakes it gruffly. "Not to sound rude or anything," He begins, "But aren't you a little young to be in this line of work?"  
  
"Lindsey," I hiss angrily.  
  
Nick chuckles. "No.. It's okay. I get that a lot. Its amazing the number of people that are concerned about my experience." He looks at Lindsey. "I promise you I know what I'm doing here. I've delivered 219 babies this past few months alone. And each one is safe and healthy. It's completely natural for an expecting father to want the very best for his family."  
  
Lindsey nods and smiles. "Yeah..I want the best for both of them. And so long as you are, we've got nothing to worry about."  
  
"Then we're all good here." I jump in. Both men turn to look at me and I throw my hands in the air. "So..when is the fun stuff gonna start?"  
  
Nick laughs and assumes his place next to me, fiddling with some buttons on the sonograph machine. Lindsey takes my hand and sits down on my other side. The doctor glances at us and powers up the monitor. "Okay guys, ready to see your baby?"  
  
We nod enthusiastically, and he places the cold, rollie thing on my stomach. I giggle at first, but get used to the feeling after a while. He tells us that it might take a few seconds for the image to appear on the screen and puts on some headphones so he can hear the heartbeat.  
  
"Hmm.That's interesting." He says.  
  
Both Lindsey and I snap our attention towards him. "What? What's interesting?" We rush.  
  
Nick looks at us, grins, and asks, "You haven't had a sonogram yet? This is your first time?"  
  
We nod slowly and watch as his grin widens. I am *THIS* close to slapping that look of his face and screaming for a straight answer. I can tell Lindsey is thinking something along the same lines 'cos his hand grips mine a little bit harder and he tries not to bark, "So..What's going on?"  
  
Dr. Kline pulls out the headphones and turns the volume up, at the same time as pointing at the monitor. "Congratulations." He says.  
  
My jaw drops open when I realise what's happening. The super fast, double beating is pounding in my ears and I look at the image in shock. Lindsey leans forward and gazes at the screen, obviously trying to force the words out of his mouth.  
  
"I-is that..I mean.. Am I right in assuming.." He rambles. "I mean.. Are we having.." He trails off, somehow knowing the answer.  
  
Nick laughs again, and finishes Lindsey's sentence. "Twins?"  
  
*******************************  
  
A/N- Dum Dum Dum..lol..Sorry..There we go. One more clichéd and horribly predictable chapter by yours truly. However, I kinda liked this one, so be nice and review. I mean it. The next chapter is already on its' way.all you need to do is review and it'll be up ASAP.  
  
BTW, Much thanks to Imzadi again. I promise the next chapter will be up ASAP. (I just gotta write it first.)  
  
PS- Please read and review my other fic, 'Alternate Reality or a Different Dimension' (completed..pondering a sequel) and keep an eye out for Mrs O- Town and my fic 'Drawn To You' (6th chapter on its way sometime soon..I think) ^_^ 


	27. better left unspoken lindsey pov

A/N- lol..wow. I got a few reviews after that last chapter. Okay, so I get that not everyone agrees with me on this one..but I PROMISE you that even though it is not C/A and probably won't be..ever, Angel won't be left out in the cold. I love him WAAAYYY too much. ^_^  
  
Thanks for reviewing, though. I love getting feedback and I'm SO VERY happy to have heard from Mrs O, Sabrina Spellman, Star, Imzadi (who emailed me her feedback.and helpful suggestions) and Adele Elisabeth.  
  
Thanks soo much guys. This chapter, even though I know you're not all Lindsey fans (And I refuse to question WHY 'cos I understand the whole different tastes thing), is dedicated to you for your honest feedback.  
  
Oh, BTW, this is probably gonna be a the last chapter that time goes by nice and slowly. The story will hopefully pick up speed next chapter and *fingers crossed* the fic will be finished within the next 4-5 chapters. (And yeah.there will be a sequel 'cos I'm TOTALLY psyched about their futures.TRUST me on this one.)  
  
Okay.. 3..2..1..  
  
************************  
  
"Twins?" Cordelia repeats for what seems to be the 100th time. "Twins?"  
  
I nod. The realisation hasn't hit me yet. Or Cordy for that matter. I think we've both gone into autopilot mode. I mean, one kid was a big enough surprise, but two? Dr. Kline, or Nick as he'd prefer to be called, nods happily.  
  
"Yes." He says. "Congratulations."  
  
Cordy is still staring at the screen. "TWINS?" She asks, yet again. At Nick's incessant nodding she shakes her head. "B-but it can't be. This is like dejavu. I mean..The last time this happened-"  
  
"Last Time?" Kline is quick to cut in. He pulls out her file. "Ms. Chase. It says here that you have not had a sonogram before, nor have you been pregnant before. Is this correct?"  
  
I look at him and narrow my eyes. "Of course it's correct." I state simply. "This is her first time with an ultrasound and this is her first pregnancy."  
  
"Then what, may I ask, did she mean when she referred to the 'last time this happened'?" He queries.  
  
I pat my fiancé's hand gently, all the while glaring at the Doctor in frustration. "Look, its easy to see that she's a little out of it right now. We're both kinda shocked to tell you the truth. It's more than obvious that we weren't expecting this and she's just rambling. It's her way of dealing," I look down at her, "Isn't it, honey?" For some strange reason, there is a trace of disbelief in my voice as well. I guess I also kinda need to know what she was talking about.  
  
She glares up at me. "Sweetie, I think you need to calm down a bit too." She turns and looks at Kline apologetically. "I'm sorry. I just zoned out. I mean, this is a real surprise for us..And I was kinda referring to getting told I was pregnant in the first place."  
  
He looks at her and smiles, although I can still see his scepticism in his eyes. "Ah, I see. So I take it this wasn't a planned pregnancy?"  
  
"What does that have to do with anything?" I snap again. Cordy glares at me once more, but this time I ignore her.  
  
Kline shakes his head. "Nothing. I was merely asking and-"  
  
"-Well it's none of your concern."  
  
"LINDSEY!" Cordy snaps. I look back at her sheepishly and move to apologise, but she waves her hand in my face. "No." She states angrily, pointing towards Kline. "You will apologise to the nice doctor man." I move to object, but one look at her face and I decide against it.  
  
Turning to look back at Nick Kline, I force another smile. "Sorry." I manage along with the grace to look ashamed. "I'm just..still a little in shock." I force a chuckle. "I guess I've gone into super-protecto mode now that I've got more people to take care of." I extend my hand. "No hard feelings, right?"  
  
The OB grins back and briefly shakes my hand. "Like I said, you're not the first dad-to-be that's been edgy. It's completely normal and understandable."  
  
I feel so lame doing this. Playing dumb, I mean. But, instead of causing a scene and stressing Cordy (which is a big no-no) I grin back at him. "Good to know I'm not alone." I state, all the while thinking how cheesy it sounded.  
  
There's silence for a few seconds and I motion to the monitor, completely captivated by the image and the rapid double beating in the background. "So, Doc..What more can you tell us?"  
  
I sit back down next to Cordelia and she smiles warmly at me, taking my hand in hers once more. I look at her still-pretty-flat stomach in awe, while the reality of what's happening starts to sink in. I look back at the screen and lose myself in thought. Those are my kids. As in plural. And I'm determined to do anything and everything for them and their mother.  
  
But, there is a nagging feeling at the back of my thoughts.  
  
What if I'm going to be an awful father? What if I screw it up? What if I fail them? It's not like I had the best role model when I was growing up. And, Oh God, how am I gonna support them? Financially, I mean. I don't have a job at the moment and, although I had a bit of cash stored up, there is no way there's enough for TWO lots of baby stuff..  
  
As I sit, mesmerized by my kids and their mother, I let the doubt and fears accumulate.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Lindsey.." Cordy says. I turn to look at her. She gazes back at me, concern etched across her gorgeous features. "Lin, what's wrong? You've barely spoken 2 words since we left."  
  
I smile and shrug. "I'm just..thinking." I turn to watch the road again, avoiding her stare.  
  
She knits her brow. "That's not an answer."  
  
"Yes it is." I respond, my attention still focussed on the drive home.  
  
"No..It's not." She places one of her perfectly manicured hands on my shoulder tentatively, forcing me to look towards her again. "Lindsey, please..You have to tell me what's going on with you." She places her other hand on her stomach protectively and her frown darkens. "You're not having second thoughts about staying are you? I mean, I know that twins is a bit of a shock..but I don't think I can deal with you coming and going like that. I mean-"  
  
"Cordelia." I cut her short, forcing my eyes to watch the highway. "No. No, I'm not..It's nothing like that." I glance into the rear-view mirror and catch her eyes for a second. "I'm just..thinking."  
  
I'm telling the truth. I am thinking. But I can't put what I'm thinking about into words. Well, I *could*..but it's just so complicated..and I don't want Cordelia to think any less of me. Oh God..she's really rubbed off on me ..I mean, I'm rambling INTERNALLY now.  
  
"Lindsey.." She says my name again, this time a little more sternly than before. "I need to know. If you're having any doubts whatsoever, I have to know. I mean, what if you let it all build up inside..like Angel does..and then snap and walk out of our lives and-"  
  
"Look, I've told you. I'm *not* going to..Wait. Did you just compare me to Angel?"  
  
Her eyes widen and she shakes her head as innocently as possible. "No..That would be a mistake. I would never do that."  
  
I smirk and briefly turn to look at her. "You did." I break into a huge grin. "You basically insinuated that I'm brooding like Angel."  
  
"Did not." She pouts.  
  
Still smiling, I look back at the road again and pause for a second, before muttering a quick, "Did too."  
  
She laughs. "Okay..so maybe I did..But, honestly Lin, I'm worried about you."  
  
'And I'm worried about you and my kids.' I want to respond. However, I choose to give her a small nod and look back towards the road once more, proceeding to drive in silence.  
  
How am I supposed to tell her that I'm afraid I can't provide for her and my children? That I don't know HOW to be a good father..or husband? That I have no idea what to do at all? That I'm afraid I'll be a failure just like my father was? That I'm scared shitless that my kids will grow up hating me because of it?  
  
How am I supposed to tell her that I'm afraid she'll leave me when she wakes up one day and realises that I'm no good for any of them?  
  
Less than 15 minutes later, I pull up outside the hotel and look at Cordelia. I force a smile onto my face and she brightens a little. "So.." I begin, not sure exactly what to say.  
  
She tilts her head to the side and looks up at the Hyperion, furrowing her brow slightly. "Do we tell them about the twins now..or wait to surprise them?"  
  
I can't help chuckling at her. "Surprise them? What does THAT mean?"  
  
She hits my arm playfully. "Don't pick on me." She says, smiling a little. "I don't know..Maybe wait 'til they're born and yell SURPRISE?"  
  
"Cordelia.." I pretend to tiptoe around the subject as if it's something really serious and earth shattering, but my mischievous grin gives away my true intent, "Have you ever considered being blonde?"  
  
She scowls. "It was a legitimate idea."  
  
"Sure it was. Like telling Angel to go sunbathing." I joke, but wipe the grin off my face when I realise she doesn't find it funny. I smile genuinely and take her hand, kissing it lightly. "Sweetheart," I start again, suddenly serious. "It's completely up to you when we tell them."  
  
She looks back at me and cups my face in her hands. "No..It's up to *us*." She emphasises, kissing my lips gently. She takes my hand and places it on her stomach, keeping her eyes locked to mine. I almost lose myself in those shimmering hazel pools of hers as they shine at me. (Jesus McDonald! Get a hold of yourself! Anyone would think you're turning into some sappy romance novelist!) Cordelia's voice brings me back to reality. "These are *our* kids. We created them together." She failed to mention the circumstances of said creation. Cordy doesn't stop there, though. After all, she still has a point to make. "These kids are as much a part of you as they are of me..We're a team on this, Lindsey. A family."  
  
A family.  
  
The words echo in my head as I smile at her. For the moment, I try to force all my doubts to the back of my mind. A family. I'm going to have a family again..and somehow everything will work out..I hope. God do I hope it will.  
  
We get out of the car and Cordelia squeezes my hand tightly as we begin to mount the steps. She grins at me sheepishly. "Sorry..I'm just nervous and excited and-" She stops and grimaces. "Nauseous." Then she's gone. Bolted up the remaining 4 steps, through the huge double doors, past the lobby and into the bathroom.  
  
The gang assembles in the lobby a few minutes later after Fred yells out that Cordy's back. Angel tries his best to be civil with me whilst perching on Cordy's desk and cradling Connor anxiously. Gunn is sprawled out on the bottom of the stairs casually, Fred in his lap, who is happily chatting away about having a playmate for Connor. Wes is standing next to me, leaning against the wall of the office area, pretending not to mind the fact that the girl of his dreams is playing smoochies with one of his best friends. Lorne, however, is smirking away happily next to Angel.  
  
I look at him and his grin widens. I roll my eyes and then glare. "I told you not to read me. You were supposed to be patient like *everyone* else."  
  
"Lindseybun," He begins. I cringe at my new nickname and catch Angel snickering to himself. Lorne ignores my discomfort and smiles even more. "I tried to..Really, I did. But patience has never really been one of my strong points and the information was rolling off you in waves."  
  
"Cordy's gonna kill you, you realise that." I throw back light-heartedly.  
  
He grins. "Not if I act surprised."  
  
"Lets hope you can act as well as you sing then."  
  
"Who's acting?" Cordelia asks, finally emerging from the bathroom. I stride over to her and wrap my arms around her waist.  
  
"Nobody." I tell her, then kiss her forehead. "Feeling better?"  
  
She nods. "Yeah..Morning sickness is a bitch. I mean..It's more like all day sickness..and then I had to brush my teeth..which woulda been fine except someone stole my toothbrush.." She looks down sheepishly, "Well, I thought they did..but then I remembered I had it in my handbag for emergencies.."  
  
I chuckle and lead her back to the others, who are waiting on the edge of their seats for the news. The second Cordelia and I turn towards them, the questions fly at us. Of course, each one of them is from Fred.  
  
"So..Is everything good? Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? If you do, what is it? Do you have any ideas for baby names? What about baby clothes? Oh..and what about-"  
  
"Fred, honey." Gunn says, squeezing her waist gently to get her attention. "How about taking a breath and letting *them* talk?"  
  
She blushes and smiles. "Sorry..It's just so excitin' is all."  
  
Cordy squeezes my hand as she beams back. "It's okay..I mean, this *is* really exciting." She looks up at me and I nod. She can tell everyone because they're *her* family, not mine. In fact, my only family is growing inside her right now. She grips my hand even tighter and grins around the room. "Okay..First of all, everything is perfect. Normal and healthy all 'round. And we do know the sex too.." She trails off, leaving everyone in suspense.  
  
"Cordelia.." Fred whines impatiently.  
  
Wes nods, a smile on his face. "I do believe I agree with Fred on this one..Cordeeeellllllliiiiiaaaaa.."  
  
We all chuckle at his imitation and I nudge her to continue. "It's both." She states simply.  
  
Gunn puts up his hand. "I thought you said it was normal."  
  
Her grin widens. "They are!" She exclaims enthusiastically. She looks around, her 1000-watt smile seeming to grow even more. "Guys! Lindsey and I are having twins! Isn't that amazing?" Her eyes glitter and land on Angel. He looks shocked..again.  
  
"Wow." He manages after a few seconds. He looks me in the eye and adds, "Congratulations." His tone somewhere around the 'have I mentioned I'm gonna kill you?' mark.  
  
Fred leaps up and bounds towards Cordelia, wrapping her arms around my fiancé's neck and exclaiming how amazing this is. Wes walks over and shakes my hand and then practically has to drag Fred away to give Cordy a hug as well. Angel stands off to the side glaring at me like I'm the devil (Hello! Pot calling the kettle black much?) and Gunn strides over to give me a pat on the back, before proceeding to line up for his chance to congratulate Cordy.  
  
Lorne says his bit as well and everyone, bar Angel, starts talking at a super-human rate, asking the same sort of questions as Fred did before. Cordy keeps trying to interrupt, but nobody is really listening. So she puts her fingers to her mouth and whistles to get their attention.  
  
"Hey!" She calls, a big smile on her face. "That wasn't it. We've actually got more to tell you." She pauses and looks up at me. I smile and move over to hold her hand again. "Lindsey and I are getting married."  
  
There is a moment where nobody speaks and then they're all saying congratulations and all that jazz again. Followed by the onslaught of questions. Cordelia grins at them, looking happier than I've ever seen her, and answers as much as she can.  
  
"A date?" She repeats one of the frequently asked questions. She looks up at me and tilts her head to the side, before looking back at the others and shaking her head. "No..We haven't set a date." She looks down at her stomach and frowns. " I was hoping it'd be BEFORE I got too round, but with two kids I guess that's gonna be a little impossible.."  
  
"How long does it take to plan a wedding?" I ask her without thinking.  
  
She looks up at me in surprise and I watch as she processes the reality of my question and the suggestion beneath it. After a few moments of silence, she stammers, "I..Did you..I mean.."  
  
"Damn girl, take a breath already." Gunn chuckles. Fred hits him across the chest and glares at him for a few seconds. He rubs his ribs and pouts at his girlfriend. "I was just sayin'-"  
  
"Careful Gunnyboy, looks like you might be next." Lorne jokes. This earns him a glare from both Fred and Cordy, while the other men chuckle.  
  
"I'll have you know that getting married is not a curse." My fiancé hisses, before nudging me hard in the chest. "Right?" She demands.  
  
I hide my grin and look back at the other men, nodding. "Completely." I state, rubbing my ribs tentatively. Then I sober up and gaze into Cordy's eyes. "So, When are we getting married?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
We worked it all out eventually. Well, most of it in any case. I was almost stupid enough to suggest a little ceremony at the church down the block. Luckily I stopped myself before I insulted Angel and ticked off Cordelia..or even visa-versa.  
  
Although we don't have a set time or place, Cordelia is determined to say 'I do' within the next few weeks. I don't mind in the least. I love her and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her.  
  
She keeps emphasising the importance of timing in regards to her weight. And I keep telling her that she's gorgeous and glowing and sexy no matter what. In fact, I think that the more obvious her pregnancy is, the more I want her. I know, it sounds really corny, but there's just something about the knowledge that she's carrying my children..  
  
Children.  
  
I still can't get over that. And I still can't help worrying about their future.  
  
"Lindsey..Hello! Earth to Lindsey!" Cordy repeats my name, prodding my shoulder a few times to get my attention.  
  
"Hmmm?" I respond, before shaking my head clear. I smile at her sheepishly. "Sorry sweetheart..I was..thinking."  
  
She furrows her brow at me and folds her arms over her chest. "We *will* talk." She states, then shrugs lightly. "Anyway..We were just discussing the ceremony." She motions to the others. "And I was thinking we had it outside and-"  
  
Angel clears his throat. "Uh..Cordy.." He starts. She waves a hand at him, signalling for him to keep his mouth shut.  
  
"I'm getting to that. Give a girl a break." She grins at him to let him know she's got it all figured out. "Anyway..we have it outside, like under a big shady tree or something. Or maybe we could hire one of those big, white tent things and decorate it with roses and-" She pauses, realising that she's getting off track. "Anyways, to combat your little sun problem Angel, we could set up a covered walkway thingy..like the big white tent..you know the type I'm talking about.."  
  
I watch as the others raise their eyebrows, but nod all the same. Best to just nod and smile if you do not understand..That seems to be their approach anyway. Come to think of it, it's kinda smart.  
  
"Hey.." I cut her short. "What about a night wedding? With fairy lights hanging from the trees and stuff like that? And therefore we won't need a big tent type thing.." I'm going to ignore the fact that I'm using her grammar now "..And Angel wont have any problems and it'd be different and romantic.."  
  
She tilts her head to the side and thinks about it, a tiny smile playing on her lips. "I like that. And it is better both financially overall *and* health wise for Angel and Spike-"  
  
"Spike?" Angel almost whines. "Does he have to come?"  
  
Cordelia chuckles and nods happily. "I thought you two worked out all your issues?"  
  
The vampire shrugs. "Yeah..but he still gets annoying. I swear if he calls me 'Peaches' or 'Poof' one more time, he'll be a pile of dust within two seconds flat."  
  
Everyone laughs at that and Cordelia shakes her head. "He's coming Angel and that's final." Then she starts to ramble about the ceremony again. First of all re-describing the possible night setting and moving on to the other details.  
  
I smile and listen, comforted by the joy and excitement in her voice."..And then we can get to the 'I Do's, bouquet throwing and the reception here in the hotel where we get the cake and-"  
  
"Whoa.." I cut in, looking down at her sternly. "Speaking of cake, you need to eat something."  
  
She shakes her head. "Lin..I'd love to eat something..But I can't keep any food down 'cos of the all-day sickness..I mean, I smell anything food-like and I want to throw up..and-"  
  
I glare at her with love and concern. "-You haven't eaten all day..And now that you're eating for three, I will not rest until I know *all* your nutritious needs have been met. Understood?"  
  
She nods, having lost the debate. I smile gratefully and notice that Angel and Wes have done the same. At least I know that they'll always look after her if she ever realises that she's better off without me. That's something I guess.  
  
"So..what's for lunch then?" Cordelia asks, bringing me out of my thoughts yet again.  
  
"Uh.." I look at Angel, who shrugs. Wes and Gunn do the same and then Fred and Lorne as well. I look back at Cordy. "What do you feel like?"  
  
She ponders the question for a few seconds. "Hmmm..uh..Chinese take-out?"  
  
"Aww.." Fred murmurs. "I was hopin' she'd say tacos.."  
  
Gunn squeezes his girlfriend to his chest and rests his head on top of hers. "Sweetie, you can have tacos if you want." She grins and nuzzles closer to him.  
  
I notice Wesley's obvious discomfort, so I look at him. "What about you? What do you want to eat?"  
  
He seems glad for the distraction. "Well..I wouldn't mind some fried rice either to tell the truth."  
  
I nod. "Good choice. Lorne? Angel?"  
  
The green one shrugs and the vampire eyes me as if I've gone crazy. "Ah..Vampire here." He responds. "Not really much of a food eater."  
  
"But you do eat human food, though." Cordelia cuts in.  
  
He nods. "Yeah..but it loses most of it's essence. I only eat as a social thing."  
  
"This is a social thing." She throws back, sounding a little insulted. "I mean, celebratory meal or whatever."  
  
He gives her a small smile. "Okay..Well..I might go with a burrito then..with extra chilli sauce."  
  
"Good." She beams back triumphantly, then looks back at me expectantly. "Well, who's gonna do the food run?"  
  
I grin and shake my head. "I'm goin'..I'm goin'.."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Trouble sleeping?"  
  
I jump at the hushed voice behind me. "Jesus Wes!" I hiss, turning to face him. "Don't *do* that!"  
  
He grins. "Sorry."  
  
"Yeah.." I respond in good-natured sarcasm. "Sure you are."  
  
Chuckling, he settles himself on a stool at the kitchen bench, reaching for the coffee pot while I grab him a mug. Once I'm settled across the island from him, he waits a few seconds before asking, "What's troubling you?"  
  
I tilt my head to the side. "What makes you think something's troubling me?" He points at the clock on the wall and then at the coffee in my hand. I smile. "Ah..I see..Well, it's nothing really."  
  
"McDonald. Honestly. You're marrying Cordelia..thus effectively marrying into all our lives as we are all family and I suppose if one member of this family has a problem-"  
  
"-You all have a problem." I finish for him. "How very Brady Bunch of you." At the not-so-impressed look on his face I smirk, "Lighten up. It was a joke."  
  
"And not a very good one."  
  
"Hey! Can I help it if you're just being British?"  
  
"Now that was uncalled for."  
  
"I'm an ex-evil lawyer..what the hell did you expect? Old habits die hard and all that."  
  
He laughs a little at that and I join him. Then he tries again. "So this not so big issue of yours.."  
  
I roll my eyes and decide to lie through my teeth. "It's nothing." I tell him. "I swear."  
  
"And yet I still don't believe you." He throws back. "I mean, what reasonable man would rather be seated in a cold dark kitchen talking to another man at 2 am when he has a woman like Cordelia waiting for him in his bed?"  
  
"Point taken." I nod, concentrating on my coffee. "I'm just..worried."  
  
"About..?"  
  
I look at him and shrug. "Does 'everything' class as an answer?"  
  
"Sounds like I'd better put on another pot." Wesley says, standing up and gesturing at his almost empty mug. "While you start talking. Preferably start with the issue that is disturbing you the most."  
  
I sigh. This is gonna be a long night. Correction- long *morning*. "Okay..first of all, I'm worried about the inevitable day when Cordy's gonna wake up and realise that she's better off without me in her life.."  
  
Wes spins. "What makes you think that?"  
  
"What?" I ask in response. "That it's inevitable she's gonna work it out one day or that she's better off without me? 'Cos the first is really obvious..I mean, she's a smart woman. It's only a matter of time before she does and-"  
  
"What makes you think she's better off without you?" He clarifies, cutting my babbling short. "And don't tell me Angel had anything to do with that logic."  
  
I let out a snort of laughter. "No..He had nothing to do with it." I become sombre again. "It's just that..I'm not sure I'll be a good father..or husband for that matter."  
  
He pauses thoughtfully. "What draws you to that conclusion?"  
  
With a small smile, I stare into my new cup of coffee. "I don't know how to be those things." I murmur sadly.  
  
"Ah..well, I believe it is supposed to come naturally. Paternal instincts and all that-"  
  
"Then why are so many men lacking that so-called 'natural' instinct?" I shoot back.  
  
"Honestly?" He asks. "I have no idea. Some men seem to have that talent and others.." Wesley drifts off, the mixture of sadness and bitterness in his tone somewhat matching my own. Now I'm getting the feeling that he and I are more alike than I first thought.  
  
There is silence again. I look at him after a while and tilt my head to the side. "Not to pry or anything.."  
  
He looks up and sighs, as if already knowing my question. "Yes?"  
  
I glance back at my coffee. "Was your father..I don't know how to put this..did you have a good relationship with him?" He lets out a short and sharp snort and I smile sadly. "Yeah..I wasn't exactly close to mine either."  
  
At that, Wesley nods, slowly putting two and two together. "So that's why you're doubting your own abilities." It's not a question. It's a statement of fact.  
  
I nod in return and let out another sigh. "I was the reason my father married my mom." I smile sadly. "Kinda ironic isn't it?"  
  
"But your situation is different." Wesley reminds me.  
  
My smile brightens. "Yeah..It is. Considerably. I mean, don't get me wrong, my father loved my mom..but he never wanted to settle down. He was going to get a football scholarship and leave that hell hole of a town." I say the words as if reciting a script. Afterall, I'd heard the man say it so many times to me, they kinda got stuck in my head. "And then *I* came along and wrecked his entire life."  
  
"I'm sure that's not the truth."  
  
"Well he sure made it feel like it." I throw back bitterly and glare at my mug. Wincing at the harshness in my voice I apologise to Wesley and continue to rant, my tone a good deal softer. "He started drinking..and when he drank he was an abusive son of a bitch..my mom knew when to stay out of his way, as did my siblings, but me? Not quite..He seemed to seek me out when he was drinking. And tell me over and over that I was the reason his life was so bad. I hated him." I pause and take a gulp of my coffee. Once I place the mug back down in front of me, I keep going, "So after I graduated I sold my soul to Wolfram and Hart, just to skip town..to get away from him. And here I am, about to have kids of my own, and the only role model father figures I've had have either been evil, demon worshipping lawyers..and him."  
  
I stop and wait in silence for Wes to start talking. I mean, he's gotta have some kind of opinion on this. After a minute or so, he looks at me. "I can't say I know exactly what that must feel like, but I can say that under a slightly similar circumstance, I do understand."  
  
"Your father?"  
  
He nods. "My father." After emptying his coffee mug, he starts to tell me about his personal woes. "My father has done nothing but chastise me my entire life. Nothing I have ever done has pleased him. Ever. He has never once shown me an ounce of compassion or concern." Wesley stops and lowers his voice even further. "And when I displeased him..he locked me in the cupboard.."  
  
Although I'm utterly shocked at what he's told me, I'm strangely comforted by the knowledge that Wes has accepted me not only to listen and give advice to, but to also talk to and trust with personal issues. I've actually made a friend. A true friend. "I'm sorry."  
  
"Don't be." I look at him, startled by his reaction. He mellows a little. "I do not need to be pitied."  
  
A grin makes its way to my lips and I nod. "Yeah..I know what you mean. But I'm still sorry that neither one of us knows what it's like to hold a good relationship with a father."  
  
"Make that the three of us." Wes and I both jump at Angel's statement and turn to look at him. He stands in the doorway and shrugs. "Vampire stealth. I couldn't help overhearing.." He walks towards his fridge, removes a packet of O pos, pours its contents into a mug, heats it in the microwave and gestures to the empty stool beside me. "Mind if I join you?"  
  
Still confused, I shake my head. "No.."  
  
"Not at all." Wes finishes for me.  
  
Angel settles himself at the counter and takes a swig of his pig's blood. An awkward silence creeps into the room and I look down at the empty mug in my hands. After a little while, I decide to break the ice into this conversation. "So.." Okay, not the most original way to get someone talking, or the most eloquent, but it has proven to work before.  
  
Angel shoots his glance across to me, then looks at Wes and then back at the mug in his hands. "We've all got something in common." He says.  
  
I don't reply. I mean, what am I supposed to say? 'I see..so you've got daddy issues too'? Somehow, I doubt that would help. Looking towards Wes, I see that I'm not the only one that thinks waiting for Angel to speak again on his own accord is a good idea.  
  
A few seconds pass and Angel speaks again. "My father and I didn't exactly get along either." He looks at me. "When I was still human."  
  
I nod. "I gathered that." Although, I can see how there might have been a few strains on their relationship when Angel became a vamp..Like, oh I don't know, being eaten by your own son.  
  
Unaware of my internal rambling, Angel continues. "I was always a failure to him. The rebellious son that could never do anything right." He grins, almost like a defiant teenager. "So that's what I became."  
  
"Okay..You lost me."  
  
He smirks sadly. "He kept beating me..telling me that I was worthless, good for nothing, a failure. I never listened to him..blah blah blah. Of course, that wasn't the truth until I started letting it become the truth. I started going out, womanising, drinking..all of it. I became the rebellious son that he kept telling me I was." A look of reminiscence crawls across his face. "And I'll admit that the whole rebellious scene had its perks.."  
  
Wesley looks horrified. Angel chuckles, but becomes sombre yet again. "But to the night I 'died', I never once pleased that man. Not once. And not once in my wasted human existence did he ever display any concern or compassion for me either."  
  
"Wow. I never figured that you would have come from a background similar to mine.." I say, accidentally speaking aloud. I only meant to *think* that. Cordelia *has* really had an effect on me, hasn't she?  
  
Angel nods. "Tell me about it. I always figured you for a yuppie from the get-go in life." He chuckles sadly. "Yet another example of why it's wrong to judge a book by its cover.."  
  
"Yep." I reply, bringing on the uncomfortable silence again. For a while we sit like this, nobody moving or speaking. Then, somehow, we end up back on the father rant. "..I just hope I can support my family." I hear myself telling the others mid-way during the discussion. "I mean, my father was a hopeless drunk. He never worked and couldn't take care of us kids, so my mom was unable to get a job and consequently we were dirt poor..barely had enough money for clothes or food, or even a house with a bathroom." I shudder at the once-repressed memory. "And I'm scared shitless that I wont be able to provide for Cordelia and the kids..I mean, I'm unemployed just like-"  
  
"Lindsey, Stop." I'm cut off by Angel. "I thought you were going to work here with us? It's a paid job and-"  
  
Now it's my turn to interrupt. Holding up my hand to silence him, I shake my head. "No, Angel. I mean, I promised to help out and I will most definitely handle the legal side of things for you guys, but I *volunteered* to do that. Working with you is part of my redemption. I'm not going to get paid for that. What I really need is a proper day-job. No offence guys, but After Wolfram & Hart, I don't like being handed things on a silver platter. I want to go out and work hard for my living so I can feel like I actually earned the pay." I stop and look at them, "You know what I mean?"  
  
They nod and I smile sadly. "I refuse to be like him. I won't let my kids see me that way. Ever." I stop again. I'm not actually talking to Wesley or Angel, but voicing my thoughts again. "I just hope that *this*-" I motion to myself "-apple fell very, very far from the tree.."  
  
Suddenly I feel compelled to ask Angel about Connor. I mean, who better to ask about raising kids even though you have no idea how? Okay, that thought came out wrong..But you get the general gist. "So, did you..how did you know that you could.." I stop, realising that nothing I've said has made sense. "That's it, I'm just gonna be blunt."  
  
"And you haven't been up 'til now?" Angel grins.  
  
I roll my eyes. "Very funny." Then in serious mode again, I ask "If you never had a good role model for a father, how did you know how to be one for Connor?"  
  
At mention of his son's name, Angel brightens with pride and love. "Honestly?" I nod and he continues. "I don't know. I just knew that he was my little miracle..and he deserved to have the best of everything. Instinct McDonald. It takes over. I can't explain it..but it just does. The difference between my father and I was that I wanted to be a good dad. I wanted my son to feel loved. From there instinct took over." He stops and looks me in the eye. "And that's it. If anything, you will learn from your father's mistakes. It's obvious that you'll make a great dad because you want so badly to be."  
  
"Wow.. Philosophical vampires. There's something you don't see everyday." I grin at him and Wesley chuckles. After another bout of silence I look at them seriously. "Thanks. Both of you. I mean, it's nice..having someone to talk to. Granted, I'm still surprised that you're not trying to rip my head off at the moment-" I smile, "-but I'm not going to argue. I like my head where it is to tell the truth."  
  
The vampire and the ex-watcher laugh and I look at the clock. 2:45am. I've been down here for an hour.  
  
"You should head on up to bed." Wesley tells me, "Before Cordelia notices you missing."  
  
I stand and rinse out my mug. "Yeah..You're right." I move to the door and look back at the others. "Thank you."  
  
Wesley nods. "Anytime."  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Sneaking back into the hotel room, I stop and look down at Cordelia. She's so beautiful..and looks so peaceful right now. A tiny smile creeps onto my face. Dare I try slipping beside her? Or should I avoid disturbing her sleep and just head over to the couch? One more look at Cordelia's content, slumbering form and I've decided.  
  
Couch it is.  
  
"Bed McDonald." I almost jump out of my skin at Cordelia's voice. So much for sleeping soundly. She opens her eyes and looks up at me. "Where have you been?" She demands.  
  
"I couldn't sleep." I shrug, "So, I went and made myself a coffee.."  
  
She rolls her beautiful hazel eyes. "Oh yeah, 'cos caffeine *really* helps people sleep easier."  
  
"I know..not the smartest move..but I just needed to think.." I give her a small smile, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you..I didn't mean to..You need your sleep.."  
  
A smile appears on her face and she rolls her eyes again. "Give it up McDonald." She pats the space beside her and sits up. I watch as the smile fades from her face, and she becomes serious. "We need to talk.."  
  
I nod slowly and sit beside her, my gaze not wavering from hers. "About?"  
  
She hesitates. "Us."  
  
My heart starts to race. Oh god. She's worked it out. She knows that she's made a mistake. She's better off without me. We're not going to get married. She'd rather raise the kids alone..or she's reconsidering Angel's proposition. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.  
  
Swallowing hard, I look into her eyes. "What about us?"  
  
She smiles and takes my hand in hers. "I need to know that you're not going anywhere..That you're not hiding anything from me..from us. I need you to trust me."  
  
"I..I do trust you..I love you more than anything..I'm not going anywhere..And I'm not hiding anything from you.."  
  
"Then why wont you talk to me?" Her voice quivers and she looks away.  
  
"What?"  
  
I watch as she fights to hide the tears in her eyes. I hate myself for making her cry. For making her doubt me. I don't want to do that to her. She swallows and looks at me again. "There's something going on with you..and you wont talk to me about it.."  
  
"No..Cordelia. I swear. There's nothing going on with me." I raise her hand to my lips and kiss it ever so gently. "I was just..Worried. This afternoon, I was just..shocked more than anything. I mean, the ultrasound made it all so real..and I just don't want to disappoint you..or them..I swear. I'll always be here for you..and for them. I love you too much..I could never hurt you.." I trail kisses up her arm and towards her lips. "I love you."  
  
She smiles brightly and catches my lips with her own. "Good."  
  
I pull away. "I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that, right?"  
  
"I believe you Lindsey. I really do." She looks down. "I just need to hear it every now and then..that's all."  
  
"Then you will." I inform her. "You will have anything you want."  
  
She grins. "I just want you Lindsey."  
  
I chuckle. "And right now I think it's pretty obvious how much I want you.."  
  
"Well..I guess we *do* need to work off all that caffeine induced energy.." She tells me with a wink and a sly smirk, her hands already pulling me closer.  
  
I kiss her deeply and grin. "Yeah..I guess we do.."  
  
****************************  
  
A/N- Lol..I just realised that this is beginning to get to be a very common ending for the chapters in this fic..lol..seriously, no wonder she's up the duff (to coin one of Australia's more annoying 'ocker' phrases, although it's still better than anything that freakin' Croc Hunter can come up with..grrs..not a fan..) with all the comshucking I have them doin'! lol..okay, I'm a 17 year old girl. What do you guys expect? ^_^ No..don't answer. Lol. Anywho, now that u've read this, can u review? Flame me if you must, but tell me why..I live for feedback guys and it helps me get motivated to write. ^_^  
  
Luv ya all  
  
*Neata 


	28. never in a million years angel pov

A/N- Well, I get it. Nobody (bar Imzadi, JayBee-Bug, Mrs O-Town and Sabrina Spellman) wants to read this anymore. Well, I'm still writing it for them..^_^ And although I only have 3 more chapters planned for this (2 more after this one) there is definitely a sequel awaiting me to be written. Imzadi already knows most of the plot of that one (shame on her.. But then, considering that they're mainly her ideas..lol..) I'm actually all buzzed about it, so please don't give up on me guys. I swear, I know that you like A/C. Hell, In some ways I do too. But come on! I've tried making Mr 'I'm a sexy blue eyed lawyer with the cutest smile' a sweetiepie.. although I like him as an evil one just as much..sorry getting off track..Where was I? Right. I've tried to make you guys like him half as much as Angel in this..and I promise that Angel will not be left out of the fluffy lovey- doveyness either. Sure, it won't be Cordy or Buffy..or Kate 'cos I know u don't like her..but u'll see. PLEASE don't give up on me.. Now, with the shameless grovelling done..on with the show  
  
***************************  
  
Now this is interesting. I was actually *bonding* with lawyer boy. Not forced, 'gotta be nice for Cordy's sake' bonding either. This was actual comradeship. Which then makes me wonder: Since when did I stop despising and start trusting him?  
  
Thinking hard over the events of the past few weeks, I stop and realise that it was an eventual thing. I guess I started trusting him the second he wanted to take responsibility. Sure, I still disliked the guy, but I knew there was something different about him, even then. And he has really proven himself.  
  
God that's frustrating! I mean, how am I supposed to hold a grudge against him when he's trying harder than ever to make Cordelia happy? And for completely selfless reasons too. And, I have to face it, it's been a long time since I've seen Cordelia this happy and worry free.  
  
Yeah, it hurts that I could never be the one to give her that, but I'm learning to accept it. I'm always going love her -nothing's ever going to stop that- but already that love is transforming back into a familial kind of love. I'm basically her big brother, and I'm happy for that. After all, it is better to receive her love as a brother, than not receive it at all. Besides, as Buffy of all people put it, there might still be love and *almost perfect* happiness waiting for me out there. And I'm hopeful that I will find it someday. But, until then, I have the love of my AI family..and my son. These are the most precious things to me, and I'm starting to believe that I wouldn't want to have my unlife any other way.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Angel!" Cordelia chirps, bouncing down the stairs and practically skipping towards me, her fiancé in tow.  
  
I smile at her, taking in the healthy glow of her skin and the contented gleam in her eyes. "Good morning."  
  
"No offence or anything," She starts, making herself a hot-chocolate, "But why are you up so early?" She sips at her mug and sighs. "I miss my coffee." Her eyes drift around the lobby and then land on me again. "So..?"  
  
I chuckle. Only Cordelia can chop and change between topics with such ease. "Connor woke me up.."  
  
She grins at me and nods. "Ah..I see. Baby plus vampire equals lack of sleep."  
  
"Well, I think it's baby in general equals lack of sleep." I smirk at her. "But I wouldn't give it up for the world."  
  
Her mega-watt smile broadens and she looks at Lindsey, her hand drifting towards her stomach. Surprisingly enough, the pang of jealousy I was expecting to take me over never comes and I watch as Cordy's gaze settles on me again. "So," She begins, sipping at her mug again, "What's planned today?"  
  
Shrugging I look around for an answer. "Apparently not too much. Gunn's out tying up a few loose ends-"  
  
"-Meaning he's beating up on some demons for information." She cuts in matter-of-factly for Lindsey's benefit.  
  
"Yeah." I agree. "And Wes is in his office doing some 'light reading'-"  
  
Again she cuts in to explain this to her fiancé. "He's stuck in some demon book and we wont hear from him for a few days."  
  
"And Fred and Lorne still have yet to emerge from their rooms." I finish.  
  
She nods and looks around the lobby. "Connor?" She asks, glancing back at me.  
  
I chuckle. "After waking me up for breakfast he decided to do what I couldn't and go back to sleep again. So he's in his basinet in my room." I pat at my belt buckle where one of those baby-monitor thingies resides. "Got it all under control."  
  
"So, in other words, today's gonna be one of those boring 'don't have anything to do' kinda days?" She asks, her eyes taking on one of her 'I have an idea' looks.  
  
I inch my way backwards, "Yeah.." I respond cautiously. "Why? What are you scheming?"  
  
She tries to look innocent and bats her eyelashes at me. "Who? Me?" Rolling my eyes, I grin at her and wait for her to tell me the truth. She laughs. "Fine. I was thinking-"  
  
"-Which we all know is never good." Lorne says, entering the conversation in his usual manner; an ill fated attempt at humour.  
  
She glares at him playfully and continues. "I was thinking that we go baby shopping seeing as Connor's a growing boy and I'm expanding like you wouldn't believe and-"  
  
"Hold up!" Lindsey calls, looking unimpressed with her. "Cordelia..What have I told you about saying stuff like that?" He scolds, as if talking to a child. She pouts at him and he rolls his eyes, wrapping his arms around her waist and pulling her closer until his forehead rests against hers. "You're gorgeous and I don't care if you're fishing for compliments or not but I don't wanna hear you criticising the way you look ever again. Got it?" He states, kissing her nose.  
  
She smiles and looks up at him all doe-eyed. "Okay. Okay." She snipes in jest. "No more complaining about how fat I'm getting around Lindsey. Got it."  
  
He laughs. "And if I hear about it-"  
  
"I know. I know. I'll never hear the end of it." She sighs.  
  
Lorne and I look away from their display. It's sweet and all that, but please, a little consideration for the vamp getting over her might be a good idea.  
  
After a few more seconds of them going ga-ga over each other, Cordelia looks back at me and raises an eyebrow. "So what do you say? You wanna come?"  
  
"WHAT?!" I choke out, knowing that I'm already starting to resemble a deer trapped in headlights. "I thought you meant YOU guys were gonna go baby shopping. Not..not.ME. Hello! Earth to Cordelia. Vampire here. Sun problems for one. And do I LOOK like the kinda guy that enjoys shopping...for baby stuff no less? No. I don't. So therefore-"  
  
"Angel, honey, I know you don't need to.. but take a breath." She says, folding her arms over her chest. I stop and look at her. She stares back determinedly. "Firstly, Connor is *your* son. You've gotta get out and buy him stuff yourself. Secondly, there are plenty of malls and stuff here in LA that do not involve sunlight. And Finally, don't think that I haven't caught you going through all those magazines with the tiny outfits and teddy bears and stuff, 'cos I have. You're a sap Angel and you *are* coming. End of story."  
  
"But-" I begin meekly.  
  
"No buts. You are coming. I'll get the car and you can hop in the back with the top up, ok?" And with that she's stalked out of the hotel.  
  
I look after her hopelessly, while Lindsey and Lorne battle to stay in control of their laughter. I shoot them both 'Shut up' looks and move to call out to Cordelia, having thought up yet another excuse not to go.  
  
She appears at the doorway again, keys in hand and beaming from ear to ear. "And by the way, don't think you can pull the 'I don't wanna wake Connor up 'cos he'll be cranky' thing 'cos look who's got him." She points towards the stairs and I turn to see Fred approaching us, cradling my son in her arms.  
  
The physicist looks up at me and blushes. "I thought we'd surprise you." She states. "See..after you went downstairs he started to fuss, okay, okay, scream the walls down and I figured you'd left the monitor off when you didn't come boundin' back up at a thousand miles per hour so I went in and got him all ready for the day." She explains.  
  
I smile and nod. "Thanks Fred."  
  
"Hey! Fred can come too!" Cordelia exclaims suddenly, catching both Fred and me off guard.  
  
"Huh?" Fred asks, looking at me curiously. "What did I miss?"  
  
Cordy grins somewhat wickedly. "Well, Angel, Connor and I are going shopping for baby stuff and whatever..And I thought it'd be neat if you came along too so that I have a fellow woman to shop with and-"  
  
"Max out my credit card." I finish for her.  
  
She nods eagerly. "What he said." She waits a beat. "So, are you up for it?"  
  
"No. I'm really not."  
  
My ex-seer spins and glares at me. "Angel! I don't CARE whether YOU are up for it." She rolls her eyes and waves her hand at Fred. "I WAS asking Fred if SHE was up for it."  
  
"Fine." I toss back, deliberately going into brood mode.  
  
Cordelia sighs and looks at Fred, who shrugs. "Yeah..sounds like fun."  
  
Oh no! This can't be happening! Not only have they turned on me, but it looks as if they're going to succeed! I fold my arms over my chest and glare into nothingness. "There is no way, no how, that you are going to get me to go with you." I state determinedly. Hah! Famous last words, I know. Not that I'll tell THEM that!  
  
Cordelia arches an eyebrow at me. "Oh..Is that so?"  
  
I nod. "Yep. I am NOT leaving this hotel."  
  
Like I said; famous last words.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"I *really* don't wanna be here." I state for the 10th time, furrowing my brow and folding my arms over my chest.  
  
Cordelia turns around and rolls her eyes at me. "Stop Whining!" She snaps. "Like I said before; You *need* to do this Angel."  
  
My frown darkens. "I wasn't whining." She tilts her head to the side and raises her eyebrows. I mimic her stance. "I wasn't." I insist.  
  
Fred, who's pushing Connor in his stroller, walks up beside me. "I hate to break it to ya Angel, but you kinda were."  
  
What is this? 'Everyone gang up on the vampire with a soul' day? I roll my eyes and move to add another highly mature "Was not" to her sentiments. However, before the words can pass through my lips, I am met with yet another baby outfit thrust in front of my eyes.  
  
Cordy's grinning face pops out from behind it. "Oh Angel!" She coos. "Isn't this the CUTEST thing you've ever seen?"  
  
"Weren't the last five supposed to be the cutest things ever?" I toss back lazily.  
  
Immediately, Cordelia narrows her gaze at me. (Note to self: Don't crack jokes around the hormonal ex-seer) "Well," She huffs, "THIS ONE is just as cute. Don't you agree?"  
  
I look her over, taking note of the tone in her voice telling me that I do. Tongue-in-cheek, I reply, "Oh..Of course."  
  
She brightens, seemingly ignoring the sarcasm in my words, and moves on to another pile of baby stuff. I watch as Fred eagerly joins her, rolling my eyes at their incessant 'ooh'ing and 'ahh'ing.  
  
I sigh and crouch down in front of Connor. He yawns and opens his big, blue eyes, smiling and giggling when he sees me. I grin at him, "Hey big guy.." I gush, trailing my index finger down his nose, causing him to burst into laughter. "Welcome to the world of women." I gesture to where Cordelia and Fred are eyeing different pairs of fuzzy pink booties and chuckle. "Good luck understanding them." Connor giggles and gurgles and I can't resist the urge to pick him up. I'm just about to unbuckle him when a surprised voice calls out behind me.  
  
"Angel?"  
  
I stand and spin, barely masking my own shock at being caught baby shopping. "David..Nabbit.." I stutter. "Mr Nabbit. Hi."  
  
He approaches, smile broadening and eyes scanning the shop excitedly. "What brings you here?" He asks, leaning in conspirationally and lowering his tone to a whisper. "Case? Demons inhabiting malls? Warlocks-"  
  
"No." I cut him off. "Nothing like that." The second the words have left my lips I regret it. Why couldn't I have just lied? It would have made this *that* much easier..not to mention less awkward. Now there'll most likely be more questions and ultimately this situation -considering his obvious crush on Cordelia- is going to get quite uncomfortable.  
  
Even more interested in my current actions and whereabouts, Nabbit tilts his head to the side. "Then why-"  
  
He's cut off by Fred this time as she rushes over, waving a tiny black shirt with the words 'Little Angel' scrawled on the front at me. "Gosh isn't this perfect? I mean, that's what Connor is 'cos, y'know, you're Angel and he-" She stops in her tracks, frozen to the spot when she notices David Nabbit. "Oh, hi. I'm sorry. I didn't see you there. I'm Fred." She extends her hand towards him as she rambles.  
  
"David." He addresses her, shaking hands politely. "David Nabbit."  
  
"It's real nice to meet you."  
  
He grins back, instantly taking a liking to her. Then again, everyone does with Fred. "Pleasure's all mine." He gestures to the shirt in her hand, looks down at Connor who's starting to fuss, and then allows his gaze to settle on her again. "Your son is adorable. Bet he'll look great in that shirt."  
  
"Thankyou." She blushes. "But Connor's not mine."  
  
He looks confused and Fred glances awkwardly towards me, most probably wondering why I haven't jumped in to explain things. In fact, I have no idea why, so I clear my throat and decide to take the spotlight from her. "No..." I agree, bending down to gather the baby in my arms, where he instantly settles. "He's mine."  
  
More confused than ever, Nabbit crinkles his brow. "Okay..I thought you were a vampire..and I thought that vampires...that it was impossible for you to have kids. But, seeing as I've seen stranger things, I'm going to accept it." I heave a sigh of relief. Don't want to have to go into a deep and meaningful about Connor's existence. However, when David makes it clear that he hasn't finished the external monologue, I catch an unneeded breath again and wait for the questions. "So, saying that it is possible...Who's his moth.." He trails off and stares past me, slumping his shoulders. "Oh."  
  
"What?" I ask as I follow his gaze to spy Cordelia eying off another pair of booties. "Oh..No. Cordy's not...Cordelia and I...we're not like that."  
  
Relief seems to flood over his features. "But then," he starts, confusion slowly creeping up on him again, "Who?"  
  
I sigh, "And old flame. Sorta. It's complicated. She, uh, died during childbirth." Okay, not exactly the whole truth, but not a complete lie either.  
  
"Oh." He fidgets, suddenly uncomfortable. "I'm sorry."  
  
I smile and look at Connor, noticing the way his eyes are glued on Cordy and the way he's stretching out a pudgy, little hand in her direction. "Thanks..I just regret the fact that he's not going to have a mother figure around all the time." I smirk, "And I refuse to get into a dress."  
  
Fred giggles and David laughs as well. We stand in silence for a few seconds, before I decide it's time that I start asking the questions. "If you don't mind me asking.." I look around, as if to check our location. "What are YOU doing here?"  
  
"One of my employees' wives is expecting. She's having a shower today, so I thought I'd drop a little something off for her." He replies casually.  
  
Fred beams back at him. "Aawww, that's so sweet."  
  
"Yeah," Cordelia agrees, making her grand entrance into the conversation. "I wish that my boss was that considerate."  
  
I'm halfway towards nodding in agreement before I realise what she actually said. I spin to glare mockingly at her. "Hey!" I protest. "I think I've been more than *considerate* and *sweet* and-"  
  
She laughs. "I was actually referring to Wes 'cos I'm thinking he's the one that's going to organise maternity leave and stuff. But now that you mention it.." She winks.  
  
I roll my eyes. "Funny."  
  
"Always am." She tosses back, reaching for my son. "Come here you.." She coos at him. "Give Daddy back some brooding space."  
  
"And again I say 'HEY!'" I throw at her in playful jest, allowing her take the baby from my arms. "He's not too heavy for you is he?" I ask suddenly, with genuine concern.  
  
She gives me one of her looks. "Angel." She warns.  
  
"Shutting up."  
  
"Uh.." Nabbit starts, looking between Cordelia and myself with caution. "What did I miss there?"  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Poor, poor Nabbit. The look on his face when Cordelia had explained that she was engaged and expecting twins had been one of sadness. Of course, he'd quickly changes it to surprise and feigned happiness for her, but on the inside I think her news tore him apart. I can't help but sympathise. I mean, I know exactly what he just went through. Okay, maybe not *exactly* but I still understand. He just realised that now there wasn't even a smidgen of a chance to be with her.  
  
Cordelia Chase has been taken. Claimed. Spoken for. No longer available. And there is nothing -not money, power, social status- nothing that can change that. So men like Nabbit and myself that were once under her thrall have to wake up and look elsewhere. I've managed to accept that..I just hope he can as well.  
  
"Well, I've gotta head off." He says, already pulling away from the group. He turns to Cordy and smiles kindly at her, a tiny bit of the pain of his loss shining in his eyes. "Congratulations again. And if there's anything I can do to help you guys," He looks at me, "Anything at all..You have my card."  
  
Grinning Cordelia shakes his hand. "Thanks."  
  
"Anytime." He turns to walk away. "See ya 'round sometime."  
  
And with that, Fred, Cordy and I watch him walk off. Fred turns back to face Cordelia and I. "He was nice." She states happily, before continuing to help Cordy shop.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
"Ooh." Cordelia says, spying an outfit she likes.  
  
We've moved on from baby merchandise to maternity wear and I'm beginning to regret this. Baby clothes and stuff for Connor I can understand me having to look for, but looking for Cordelia-type maternity wear..well, let's just say it isn't really my thing.  
  
"Angel! What do you think of this?"  
  
I look at the dress in her hands and tilt my head to the side. "It's nice..Not really my style, but it would probably suit you."  
  
She chuckles and rolls her eyes. "Dork." She mutters. As she spins it around I catch a glimpse at the price-tag and, on instinct, gasp. She looks at me, puzzled. "What?"  
  
I try to act nonchalant. "Oh. Nothing. Just saw the price."  
  
She grins. "We've been through this, Angel. The cost of my baby-related stuff is being covered by Lindsey and me."  
  
"Yeah. I know." I brace myself and try to find a way to phrase the rest of my reply. After all, it was just last night that Lindsey spelled out all his fears and worries. One of them being his lack of finances. "It's just..I don't know if that's the kinda price range you should be looking at though."  
  
She narrows her eyes at me. "What are you getting at Angel?"  
  
"Nothing." I grimace. "I mean, Lindsey wasn't really planning on supporting twins and-"  
  
"He told you this?" I nod and she scowls in anger. "He told me there was nothing bothering him! He told me he-"  
  
"I'm guessing he didn't want to worry you." I suggest optimistically, before wondering why it is I am DEFENDING Lindsey all of a sudden.  
  
"Worry me?" She snorts. "WORRY me? Hah! The son of a bitch LIED TO ME! Let's see who's the worried one after I'm done with him!"  
  
And, before I can protest, she's stormed off.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
The drive home was pretty uneventful. Cordelia was still fuming and I was keeping my big mouth shut. I didn't want to complicate things even further. Now that's a first. Why am I suddenly looking out for Lindsey? Why am I so afraid of Cordelia and him splitting up? It takes me a while before I work out that not only am I afraid Cordy will be hurt in the process, I've actually started to trust and maybe even like Lindsey. It's a startling revelation, but understandable all the same.  
  
As we walk back in (or rather, as Cordy and Fred walk back in and I rush in underneath a blanket) Wesley looks up at us expectantly. "Well?" He asks. "How did it go?"  
  
Cordelia scowls at him and mumbles something about Lindsey and Wes looks back at me. "That well, huh?"  
  
I nod, and make a mental note to tell him all about the day later, especially our run-in with David Nabbit. I have a few things to discuss with Wesley about that, concerning the latest member of our AI family and a real job..  
  
*************************  
  
A/N- Review now PLEASE...Need feedback. ^_^  
  
Luv ya all  
  
Neata 


End file.
